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The Anatomy of a Bikini Carwash

High School Cheerleader Fundraising Carwashes are f*cked up.  They look and act exactly like the beginning of a porno, except that all the stars are underage.  Basically, it’s a pedophile’s wet dream come true.  This creates a huge problem for normal dudes who don’t really need a car wash, but can’t resist the allure of a bunch of hot young girls in bikinis covered in suds.  It’s very difficult to not look like a pervert in this situation, but it probably helps to have a better understanding of the essential elements that the infamous Cheerleader Bikini Carwash is comprised of, so here are 7 things you’ll see at every cheerleader bikini carwash. Plus, pictures of cheerleaders in bikinis.
 
Jailbait
 
 
High school girls are understandably immature, but in carwash terms, this translates to water and soap fights that erupt quickly and frequently.  Sure, it’s creepy to be aroused by wet, be-sudded underage girls, but that doesn’t stop willing patrons from lining up all the way down the street to wait their turn for ten minutes of free "being a pervert in public" time.  Plus, it’s for a good cause: cheerleader uniforms for underage girls!  The best example of the general f*cked-upedness of a High School Cheer Carwash is the Sign Girl, positioned on the street to draw in customers.  When you’re fishing for perverts, you cast out the sluttiest lure you’ve got.  The Sign Girl is amazingly hot, and she’s probably just wearing a bikini and high heels.  If she’s any good at her job, she’s also sucking on a lollipop.  The most imprtant aspect of her job, and one that she has a firm grasp on, is that she must never hold the sign in front of her tits.  It’s always above her head, or off to the side, which is why traffic is all backed up on the road in front of her.
 
The Married Guy
 
 

This guy will pull the minivan into the carwash after waiting in line for 20 minutes with his wife and their kids in the back seat.  His objective is simple: check out some real-life hot chicks without his wife noticing.  Obviously, his first move is to separate himself from his wife, and to have a believable motive for doing so.  He’ll get out of the van and explain that he wants to make sure he gets a quality wash.  Everyone at the carwash knows that this is complete bullshit.  Nobody goes to a cheerleader carwash for the quality work.  They go for the young, soggy, half-naked chicks.  The Married Guy will point out the missed spots on the lower-back part of the minivan, where his wife can’t see him in the rearview mirrors.  Although he will be looking at cheerleaders the whole time, he will never make eye contact with a single one.  When the wash is done, he’ll give a couple of his favorite cheerleaders a one-armed side-hug sort of thing, which he knows he’ll get in trouble for on the drive home, but it’s an innocent enough move that he can blow it off as her over-reacting.  He will jerk off to the memory of those one-armed side-hugs in the shower later.
 
The Chubby Cheerleader
 
 
There’s always the one fat cheerleader that was picked for the squad because she’s an excellent base for the pyramid.  She’s the one that, if this were college, would be the stocky, muscular, questionably gay dude that’s tossing the smaller, more agile chicks in the air.  She’s a necessary evil at the Cheerleader Carwash, and her placement is very important.  She’s more of a "behind the scenes" type.  You can’t very well put her in a bikini and parade her around for people to look at, and maybe mistakenly toss a small fish to, hoping for some kind of beachball trick to follow.  That type of behavior would scare off the clientel.  You can’t put the base of the pyramid out by the street holding the sign, either, because you’d be appealing to only a very small niche of pervert by doing that.  The Chubby Cheerleader’s job is to stay as clothed as possible and work as the team’s "muscle".  In carwash terms, that means she collects the money.
 
Location, Location, Location
 
 
If you’ve taken your car to a Cheerleader Carwash, you’ll find yourself standing in one of two places: either in an Arby’s parking lot, or on the side of a Mobil gas station.  Either way, the air all around you is filled with toxic fumes that are not doing your brain cells any favors.  If the girls who had to hang around here all day weren’t cheerleaders, there might be substantial reason to be concerned for their health and safety, but most likely there’s not much there for the toxic gas/arby’s fumes to damage.  In fact, it may even work to your advantage: the fumes could potentially lower the rationale of the cheerleaders, possibly leading to more playful soap and water antics or, if you’re really lucky, even a soaking wet rival cheerleader catfight, which would make it the best day of your entire life.
 
The Creepy Guy
 
 
Perverts are drawn to a Cheerleader Carwash like fat people to a bacon truck accident, and there’s bound to be at least one Creepy Guy that’s just kind of hanging around the carwash awkwardly.  This guy doesn’t even have a car, nor did he pay to get anything washed. He just showed up at some point.  He prefers to stand near the outskirts of the invisible border of "The Car Washing Zone", wearing a creepy Buffalo Bill-style smirk on his pudgy face.  Sometimes, if a cheerleader wanders to close to him for some reason, he might attempt to strike up a conversation, summoning all of the confidence his awkard body contains to mutter something fairly pedestrian, but that somehow still comes out creepy, like "so, having fun washing all those cars?"  The cheerleader, being a naturally bubbly person, will respond enthusiastically but dismissively, saying something like "Yep!".  Later, the Creepy Guy will masturbate furiously to the memory of this encounter, unless he’s shewed away by his natural enemy:
 
The Cheer Coach
 
 
 
The saddest sight at the Cheerleader Car Wash isn’t the creepy pedos that swarm like bees, or the middle-aged married men just stopping in for a good, cheap carwash.  It’s the middle-aged cheer coach re-living her high school glory days.  This whole undertaking was her brainchild.  She parades around in nothing more than a pair of cut-offs and a bikini top, looking like the DVD box cover of some homemade porno you’d find in a truck stop in Oklahoma, but her role in this operation is crucial.  Without her, the girls would never wash enough cars to pay for those new uniforms.  She’s the deal closer.  Since she’s the only articulate one of the group, she’s the one that goes from car to car negotiating for more money.  If she’s any good at her job, she’ll have managed to pull in money for the new uniforms and enough extra cash to send the girls on a week-long trip to Panama City for the cheerleading championships and a chance to be on Girls Gone Wild.
 
It’s A Shitty Carwash
 
 
If you’ve decided to get your car washed at a Cheerleader Carwash, just make sure you have enough money left over to get your car washed at a legitimate establishment on your way home.  No one actually goes to a cheerleader carwash expecting to have any dirt removed from their car.  For starters, most of the chicks you’re gawking at can’t even reach the top of your car, and if the 20 minutes waiting in line has taught you anything, it’s this: the only thing that gets even remotely cleaned here is the middle of your hood.  Anything else is just sprayed with a hose for 5 minutes.  Your tires are going to look like absolute shit, your grill is still going to be covered with bugs, and if there was any bird shit on your car before the wash, it will be replaced by smeared around bird shit.  Your car is going to look exactly like it did when you arrived, only it’s going to have a shitload of water spots all over it, and the hood is going to look like the Kool-Aid man just f*cked on it.
 

21 Responses to "The Anatomy of a Bikini Carwash"

  1. guy who pretty much does nothing but beat off to porn says:

    WLT = We Live Together. fuckin hottest lesbian shit anywhere.

  2. Bikini Deals says:

    I LOVE this post! Genius! Great photos! Girls in bikinis rule. the creepy guy with one tooth is so funny. haha. Love it! Thanks so much! I agree tho underage girls in bikinis washing cars is so twisted. I think Ill post a blog at http://www.bikinideals.com/blog in response to this article. Thanks so much!

  3. Pyramid Top says:

    HAAA! So f***ing true. I was a cheerleader in highschool and this is a play by play account of our car washes. And yes, we had 2 fat girls on the squad and they were always the base – sad but true…!

  4. James bdffdg says:

    I hate people that try to put ad’s in the comments like the idiot that is advertising clothinfashion123. Get a life dude! I wouldn’t buy from them just because of this!!!!!

  5. Pervert says:

    I love carwashes… Get in there nice and deep like boy…

  6. jimbo says:

    i love dodgeball

  7. chester says:

    I masturbate at the car washes and the girls seem to love it!

  8. AnonCake says:

    FAILtaco. bad. lol

    a.Those ‘jailbait’ Girls, look like their from the Playboy mansion, I mean Im 18 and know what Jailbait looks like, GOOGLE IT! or Bing it (I dont care, really) :P

    b. That girl is NOT FAT! She actually looks quite skinny lol She has bad knees and that polystyrene Jumper is oversized :P

    yep (:

  9. Anonuuu says:

    Ooor she could be fat, which she is.

  10. PedoBear says:

    is it okay to crank one off at one of these washes if no one notices?

  11. P says:

    only if you have dark tint of course

  12. MrKillson says:

    Who says it isn’t ok?

  13. LOKi says:

    Like on a motorcycle?

  14. Cop says:

    Absolutley

  15. philosopher says:

    they should have more anatomy lists, this was hilarious

  16. Anonymous1 says:

    Great work guys… and gals, but mostly guys.

  17. James bdffdg says:

    I hate people that try to put ad’s in the comments like the idiot that is advertising electronic cigarettes. Get a life dude! I wouldn’t buy from them just because of this!!!!!

  18. Chill says:

    this article is freakin hilarious! true words were never spoken. lol :)