Every middle school fight goes pretty much the same way. In case you ever find yourself in a battle with a 10-14-year-old, it’s best if you follow these eight easy steps.
Step 1: The Problem
Most middle school fights start off with something like, "Hey, I heard that Lisa heard that Tommy said that your sister shoves shampoo bottles up your ass every Wednesday. And you like it." You’re not totally sure why Tommy would say that, since he’s your third best friend, but upon hearing this you’re filled with a rage that no amount of Fruit Rollups can quench.
Step 2: Name Calling
If you want to keep your rep around the school and make sure the girls don’t think you’re a pussy, it’s important that you fire back with a cunning retort to let Tommy know that his denigration of your character will not be tolerated. So, for the next seven hours, you will call Tommy a "fag" approximately 76 times while he will call you a "gay bitch" roughly the same amount of times. (As you can see, homophobia is still rampant throughout many middle schools.)
Step 3: Picking The Time And Place
Since no one has a car, or even a license for that matter, there are only three places a middle school fight can take place: the school parking lot before school, the school parking lot during P.E. or the school parking lot after school. Ideally, the fight will occur at the next possible time, but a momentarily delay is acceptable due to previous appointments (i.e. a trip to the dentist, detention or an unforeseen fire alarm.)
Step 4: The Talking of Shit
During this stage you both continue with your verbal barbs (fag, bitch, smegmaface, etc) but now you incorporate it with a very dramatic removal of the clothing you don’t want to get torn or stained during the fight. This is usually accompanied with, "I don’t want to get any of that smegmaface’s blood on my new sweater. My mom gave it to me." This is followed by the repeated statement of "I ain’t scared. Ain’t scared of that little tittybitch," which is usually said in the direction of friends, but loud enough for the foe to hear it. If you don’t want to sit at the table full of asthmatic kids during lunch, it is of the utmost importance that your peers know that you are not scared of that little tittybitch.
Step 5: The Fight
At this point, everyone at the school has gathered around the fight location and you quickly realize that if you back out on this fight they’ll react like a crowd at the Apollo being alerted that Chris Rock can’t make it and will be replaced with a performance by Creed. Once the crowd has gathered around you, you call each other a fag or a pussy a few more times, and potentially accuse each others mom’s of being promiscuous and the effect that that has had on the size of her vagina. Then one of you makes a fist and swings your arm wildly like it was covered in a thousand bees. Unfortunately, much like a reliever for the New York Mets, you’ll miss your target repeatedly until you tire out. At this point you roll around on the ground stretching out the necks of each other’s shirts until an adult comes by which causes the crowd to disperse in a nuclear explosion type fashion.
Step 6: The Crying
Middle school fights are like sex: it’s not over until someone cries. As soon as you’re being led away by a school employee, either you or your foe will break down into tears like you’re a celebrity at the Golden Globes who realizes the camera is on them during a tribute to Heath Ledger.
Step 7: The Punishment
You’re definitely getting suspended or put into detention, but at this point the thing you’re most terrified about is your parents finding out. Not to mention you’re forced to sit four feet away from the guy you’ve been calling a ìfaggot Bitchî for the last seven hours. Usually you’ll hear your mom’s voice before you even see her, as she stands listening to the counselor describe the level of your dumbshit. If you happen to hear your fathers voice, you suddenly turn in to Anne Frank during a Nazi raid, remaining incredibly quiet in hopes they’ll just leave.
Step 8: The Aftermath
Build up, fight, crying, everybody’s going to remember that right? Wrong. Just like in nursing homes, unless someone shit or pissed their pants, nobody really cares. As soon as you get back to school, there’ll be some talk about it, but mostly things will carry on just as they were. Until you hear from someone that heard from someone that your friend Tommy looks at gay porn. Then you’ll have to tell him.