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The Anatomy Of A Middle School Fight

Every middle school fight goes pretty much the same way. In case you ever find yourself in a battle with a 10-14-year-old, it’s best if you follow these eight easy steps.
funny photos
Step 1: The Problem

Most middle school fights start off with something like, "Hey, I heard that Lisa heard that Tommy said that your sister shoves shampoo bottles up your ass every Wednesday. And you like it." You’re not totally sure why Tommy would say that, since he’s your third best friend, but upon hearing this you’re filled with a rage that no amount of Fruit Rollups can quench.
funny photo middle school fight name calling
Step 2: Name Calling

If you want to keep your rep around the school and make sure the girls don’t think you’re a pussy, it’s important that you fire back with a cunning retort to let Tommy know that his denigration of your character will not be tolerated. So, for the next seven hours, you will call Tommy a "fag" approximately 76 times while he will call you a "gay bitch" roughly the same amount of times. (As you can see, homophobia is still rampant throughout many middle schools.)

middle school fight funny
Step 3: Picking The Time And Place
Since no one has a car, or even a license for that matter, there are only three places a middle school fight can take place: the school parking lot before school, the school parking lot during P.E. or the school parking lot after school. Ideally, the fight will occur at the next possible time, but a momentarily delay is acceptable due to previous appointments (i.e. a trip to the dentist, detention or an unforeseen fire alarm.)
school fight talkign shit
Step 4: The Talking of Shit

During this stage you both continue with your verbal barbs (fag, bitch, smegmaface, etc) but now you incorporate it with a very dramatic removal of the clothing you don’t want to get torn or stained during the fight. This is usually accompanied with, "I don’t want to get any of that smegmaface’s blood on my new sweater. My mom gave it to me." This is followed by the repeated statement of "I ain’t scared. Ain’t scared of that little tittybitch," which is usually said in the direction of friends, but loud enough for the foe to hear it. If you don’t want to sit at the table full of asthmatic kids during lunch, it is of the utmost importance that your peers know that you are not scared of that little tittybitch.

middle school funny photo fight
Step 5: The Fight
At this point, everyone at the school has gathered around the fight location and you quickly realize that if you back out on this fight they’ll react like a crowd at the Apollo being alerted that Chris Rock can’t make it and will be replaced with a performance by Creed.  Once the crowd has gathered around you, you call each other a fag or a pussy a few more times, and potentially accuse each others mom’s of being promiscuous and the effect that that has had on the size of her vagina.  Then one of you makes a fist and swings your arm wildly like it was covered in a thousand bees.  Unfortunately, much like a reliever for the New York Mets, you’ll miss your target repeatedly until you tire out.  At this point you roll around on the ground stretching out the necks of each other’s shirts until an adult comes by which causes the crowd to disperse in a nuclear explosion type fashion.
middle school fight crying
Step 6: The Crying
Middle school fights are like sex: it’s not over until someone cries.  As soon as you’re being led away by a school employee, either you or your foe will break down into tears like you’re a celebrity at the Golden Globes who realizes the camera is on them during a tribute to Heath Ledger.
punishment middle school funny
Step 7: The Punishment

You’re definitely getting suspended or put into detention, but at this point the thing you’re most terrified about is your parents finding out.  Not to mention you’re forced to sit four feet away from the guy you’ve been calling a ìfaggot Bitchî for the last seven hours.  Usually you’ll hear your mom’s voice before you even see her, as she stands listening to the counselor describe the level of your dumbshit.  If you happen to hear your fathers voice, you suddenly turn in to Anne Frank during a Nazi raid, remaining incredibly quiet in hopes they’ll just leave.

funny middle school
Step 8: The Aftermath

Build up, fight, crying, everybody’s going to remember that right?  Wrong.  Just like in nursing homes, unless someone shit or pissed their pants, nobody really cares.  As soon as you get back to school, there’ll be some talk about it, but mostly things will carry on just as they were.  Until you hear from someone that heard from someone that your friend Tommy looks at gay porn.  Then you’ll have to tell him. 

22 Responses to "The Anatomy Of A Middle School Fight"

  1. Anonymous says:

    thats cool man what the fuck your so ugly

  2. Messatsu says:

    LMFAO wow this is the best website all time

  3. Zatak says:

    I vividly remember hearing the terms “douche-ass” and “douche-cock” at least three times each in middle school….not a very creative bunch.

  4. ioplio says:

    Somebody HAS to sit on somebody’s face. Especially if it’s a fat kid.

  5. ioplio says:

    I thought that was “stupid homo”. At least, that was at MY middle school, and they were all goat-fucking rednecks.

  6. Jewel Henry says:

    Hah, this shit is so true. I remember it all.

  7. Messatsu says:

    Littletittybitch LMFAO

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  9. Anonymous says:

    You left out “gaywad”, the pinnacle of middle school insults.

  10. HoraceRider says:

    They left out the hair pulling during the fight. There should be an unwritten rule in a cat fight that hair pulling will not be tolerated by the spectators. Rule should read like this. Any spectator who wants to see less hair pulling and more real fighting, may at any time announce that the contestants must release their grip on their opponents hair. If the release is not accomplished within five seconds the spectator is permitted to kick the offending participant directly in the teeth.

  11. AK_Transplant says:

    Unless of course you LIKE a shampoo bottle in yout poo hole . . . then once a week might not be enough.

    It was a great day when two bitches got in a fight, especially minority bitches. A LOT more violent.

  12. Anonymous says:

    So, when I was flinging my arms wildly during my middle school fights, I was doing it right?

    Who knew?

  13. Poverty Line says:

    Hopefully it’s just a hotel shampoo bottle and not a family size head and shoulders.

  14. Anonymous says:

    …..or it could just be his twin brother.

  15. Anonymous says:

    That kid in the black shirt pointing and laughing at the kid in the white shirt…is the same freaking kid. That’s some deep, introspective…and really, really sad shit. Or the pic is just showing a passage of time, which would make the kid a victim of wild mood swings. Emotional bitch.

  16. annonymous says:

    …or, on the out side, he is pointing and laughing at someone lesser than him. as on the inside, he feels exactly the same as the kid he is laughing at.

  17. Anonymous says:


  18. annonymous says:

    not funny. this crap is serious.

  19. Dom says:

    Dude I almost pissed myself with the line,

    “potentially accuse each others mom’s of being promiscuous and the effect that that has had on the size of her vagina”

  20. Josh says:

    I think a shampoo bottle in the ass once a week is a little excessive.

  21. Tommy Tuggerdong says:

    what ever happened to some good old-fashioned Yo Mama jokes?

    Oh yeah, Fez whored it out for MTV… :-(

    Hey, if you’d like to see a hilarious video about the MAN WHO GOT TRAMPLED TO DEATH AT WALMART, check out Digital Funtown:


  22. Broke says:

    Then these kids will grow up to be passive-agressive backstabbers just like every other adult.