It's no secret that every summer, the exact same types of movies come out. So in the interest of helping you all become super successful screen writers and directors, we decided to go ahead and break down the four types of summer movies, and what goes in to making them.
1. The Live Action Remake Of A Beloved 1980s Franchise.
Transformers, G.I. Joe, Miami Vice, etc... have all come out in the past three years, and there are tons more on their way. (Magnum P.I., He-Man).
Scripts are like prostitutes, most of them suck and the ones that don't, usually don't become widely popular. Studios know this too, so they figure, "well, if our script is going to suck, why don't we have a sucky script that's about something everyone remembers and loves?"
Reimagine: That's the word of the day here. All that means is "remake, but with better special effects." Then once youv'e done that, make a movie poster that just hints at what those beloved characters of ours now look like, wait for it..., wait for it.... REIMAGINED! As you can see here, or, as you CAN'T see here, in our Snorks movie, you can only see the silohuette of the Snork, and his identifying snorkel. And thus, launches thousand of blogs, just like this one, saying shit like "Leaked picture of the Snorks!"
2. The Animated Film That Anthropomorphizes An Animal Or Object
At this point, if the heads of pixar aren't shitting solid gold, they're definitely at least finding large chunks of gold in their shit. Every summer Pixar plops out one of these films, and it kills it at the box office.
The key to this is, find an animal or object people encounter every day (Cars, fish, toys) and then make them talk. After that, have them dream of a bigger life. If it's a fish in an aquarium, have it wish to be in the ocean. A toy in a toy chest, have it wish to see the outside world. In our film "Forks," we take a dingy fork that sits in a silverware drawer in someone's house, that desperately wants to leave and become a fork used by the President of the United States. On the way, he falls in love with a sterling silver fork from a rich person's house, and then blah blah everyone says she's too good for him, you get the fuggin point here.
The beauty of this is that it's a cartoon so kids want to see it, and it's also a parable for adults, reminding them of how they're in an incredibly shitty job that they wish they could get out of and move on to better things. Everyone's happy for two hours and you're shitting gold.
3. The Sequel
Why do you get drunk and call up your ex to see if they'll f*&k? Because you know you're not going to have to think about it, and the last time you f*&ked them it felt pretty good. The sequel is the perfect summer movie because you've already "f*&ked it," and you liked it, so it doesn't take much to get you to see it again.
Studios are in a no lose situation. If they don't make the movie, they make no money, and if they make the movie and it's horrible, they still will make a ton of money that they otherwise wouldn't have had. And if they make the movie and it's half way decent, well then they know you'll get drunk and dial their number one more time.
What you don't want to do, is what we've done above; take a film that was mildly successful, and definitely did not lend itself to a sequel, and try to make one anyway. As movie goers, we may not be able to resist a shitty sequel, but we can definitely resist a sequel that clearly looks like a complete shit storm.
4. The Comic Book Movie
As we all know, comic book movies are huge right now, and they seem to make the perfect summer blockbusters. They have familiar characters, imaginative storylines, and non-stop action and adventure.
But there are only so many cool comic book stories out there, and judging from some of the more recent comic books turned movies, they’re running a little short on ideas. Those movie-making people aren’t stupid, though. Sure, they’ve almost tapped out the action comic book well, but there’s a whole reservoir of boring, out-dated, 1950’s coming-of-age love triangle comics just sitting there, waiting to be brought to life.
the sad thing is as i kept scrolling down i kept thinking to myself 'Why the fuck have they not done these?!'... what is this article about anyway... didnt read it, too long.
Don't forget the latest craze of taking a successful movie franchise and starting over again from the beginning. (i.e. Batman, Star Trek, Superman). People already loved the original franchise, lets do the same franchise again, but with different actors and a new story. Odds are you'll go see it and if you like the first one, you'll go watch then next 2 even if they suck.
The other reason those pixar movies mint money - the whole family goes. All the other movies you sell two tickets at a time. With the family flick, it's a whole mess of kids paying full price. Again. And again and again...
Unfortunately The Sequel should have had more experience with my past relationships: I fucked it, but the action wasn't as good as the plot, so I'm never going back there again for fear of bastardizing the original.
Come along with the Snorks
Swim along with the Snorks
So much to see
Waiting for you and me
Have some fun with the Snorks
Play along with the Snorks
Sing along with the Snorks
Happy we'll be
Living under the sea
Come along with the snorks
If you could breathe underwater
Where would you go
If you had friends underwater who would you know
Come along
Sing along
Swim along too
'YA!'
Come along with the Snorks
Swim along with the Snorks
So much to see
Waiting for you and me
Swim along with the
Have some fun with the
Come along with the Snorks!
(22 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
May 8th, 2009 at 02:08 pm
Third
May 8th, 2009 at 02:09 pm
FIRRSSTT
May 8th, 2009 at 02:59 pm
FAIL!
May 8th, 2009 at 02:15 pm
With no outs.
May 9th, 2009 at 09:08 pm
Don't know how many strikes, but definitely no balls.
May 8th, 2009 at 02:16 pm
second
May 8th, 2009 at 02:19 pm
the sad thing is as i kept scrolling down i kept thinking to myself 'Why the fuck have they not done these?!'... what is this article about anyway... didnt read it, too long.
May 8th, 2009 at 02:42 pm
Forks would definitely make tons of money, which is so sad considering its just you guys mocking the idea.
May 8th, 2009 at 02:46 pm
I would DEFINITELY go see Snorks.
May 8th, 2009 at 02:46 pm
Why is Forks dated 2008 anyway?
May 8th, 2009 at 03:30 pm
I'd go see "Archie" in a second, just for Kirsten Dunst. Scarlet Johanssen too? Anyone else wanna camp out?
May 8th, 2009 at 03:44 pm
Don't forget the latest craze of taking a successful movie franchise and starting over again from the beginning. (i.e. Batman, Star Trek, Superman). People already loved the original franchise, lets do the same franchise again, but with different actors and a new story. Odds are you'll go see it and if you like the first one, you'll go watch then next 2 even if they suck.
May 9th, 2009 at 03:30 pm
It's called a prequel.
May 9th, 2009 at 04:01 pm
Or a "reboot", right? I'm glad they did it with Bond and Batman; Superman not so much.
May 8th, 2009 at 04:24 pm
The other reason those pixar movies mint money - the whole family goes. All the other movies you sell two tickets at a time. With the family flick, it's a whole mess of kids paying full price. Again. And again and again...
May 8th, 2009 at 04:59 pm
hahah Michael Bay directed the Snorks. You know there better be some fucking massive explosions in it.
May 8th, 2009 at 06:05 pm
I would love to see Screech in a movie.
I haven't pissed my pants in a LONG TIME
May 9th, 2009 at 09:41 am
Holy shit, A+.
May 9th, 2009 at 03:28 pm
Unfortunately The Sequel should have had more experience with my past relationships: I fucked it, but the action wasn't as good as the plot, so I'm never going back there again for fear of bastardizing the original.
May 10th, 2009 at 02:37 am
Check out all the Summer Blockbusters right now!!!
May 13th, 2009 at 09:07 am
Come along with the Snorks
Swim along with the Snorks
So much to see
Waiting for you and me
Have some fun with the Snorks
Play along with the Snorks
Sing along with the Snorks
Happy we'll be
Living under the sea
Come along with the snorks
If you could breathe underwater
Where would you go
If you had friends underwater who would you know
Come along
Sing along
Swim along too
'YA!'
Come along with the Snorks
Swim along with the Snorks
So much to see
Waiting for you and me
Swim along with the
Have some fun with the
Come along with the Snorks!
Fuckin Classic!!!
May 23rd, 2009 at 07:57 pm
really good artcile plastic injection molding regards!!
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