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The Anatomy Of A Summer Movie Blockbuster

It’s no secret that every summer, the exact same types of movies come out.  So in the interest of helping you all become super successful screen writers and directors, we decided to go ahead and break down the four types of summer movies, and what goes in to making them.

1. The Live Action Remake Of A Beloved 1980s Franchise.

Transformers, G.I. Joe, Miami Vice, etc… have all come out in the past three years, and there are tons more on their way. (Magnum P.I., He-Man). 

 
Scripts are like prostitutes, most of them suck and the ones that don’t, usually don’t become widely popular.  Studios know this too, so they figure, "well, if our script is going to suck, why don’t we have a sucky script that’s about something everyone remembers and loves?" 
 
Reimagine:  That’s the word of the day here.  All that means is "remake, but with better special effects."  Then once youv’e done that, make a movie poster that just hints at what those beloved characters of ours now look like, wait for it…, wait for it…. REIMAGINED!  As you can see here, or, as you CAN’T see here, in our Snorks movie, you can only see the silohuette of the Snork, and his identifying snorkel.  And thus, launches thousand of blogs, just like this one, saying shit like "Leaked picture of the Snorks!"
 
2. The Animated Film That Anthropomorphizes An Animal Or Object
 
 
At this point, if the heads of pixar aren’t shitting solid gold, they’re definitely at least finding large chunks of gold in their shit.  Every summer Pixar plops out one of these films, and it kills it at the box office. 
 
The key to this is, find an animal or object people encounter every day (Cars, fish, toys) and then make them talk.  After that, have them dream of a bigger life.  If it’s a fish in an aquarium, have it wish to be in the ocean.  A toy in a toy chest, have it wish to see the outside world.  In our film "Forks," we take a dingy fork that sits in a silverware drawer in someone’s house, that desperately wants to leave and become a fork used by the President of the United States.  On the way, he falls in love with a sterling silver fork from a rich person’s house, and then blah blah everyone says she’s too good for him, you get the fuggin point here. 
 
The beauty of this is that it’s a cartoon so kids want to see it, and it’s also a parable for adults, reminding them of how they’re in an incredibly shitty job that they wish they could get out of and move on to better things.  Everyone’s happy for two hours and you’re shitting gold.
 

 
 
3. The Sequel
 
 
Why do you get drunk and call up your ex to see if they’ll f*&k?  Because you know you’re not going to have to think about it, and the last time you f*&ked them it felt pretty good.  The sequel is the perfect summer movie because you’ve already "f*&ked it," and you liked it, so it doesn’t take much to get you to see it again. 
 
Studios are in a no lose situation.  If they don’t make the movie, they make no money, and if they make the movie and it’s horrible, they still will make a ton of money that they otherwise wouldn’t have had.  And if they make the movie and it’s half way decent, well then they know you’ll get drunk and dial their number one more time.
 
What you don’t want to do, is what we’ve done above; take a film that was mildly successful, and definitely did not lend itself to a sequel, and try to make one anyway.  As movie goers, we may not be able to resist a shitty sequel, but we can definitely resist a sequel that clearly looks like a complete shit storm.
 
4. The Comic Book Movie
 
 
 
As we all know, comic book movies are huge right now, and they seem to make the perfect summer blockbusters. They have familiar characters, imaginative storylines, and non-stop action and adventure.
 
But there are only so many cool comic book stories out there, and judging from some of the more recent comic books turned movies, they’re running a little short on ideas. Those movie-making people aren’t stupid, though. Sure, they’ve almost tapped out the action comic book well, but there’s a whole reservoir of boring, out-dated, 1950’s coming-of-age love triangle comics just sitting there, waiting to be brought to life.
 

22 Responses to "The Anatomy Of A Summer Movie Blockbuster"

  1. PistonsNationBlog.com says:

    Holy shit, A+.

  2. Everyone Thinks I'm Jewish says:

    Unfortunately The Sequel should have had more experience with my past relationships: I fucked it, but the action wasn’t as good as the plot, so I’m never going back there again for fear of bastardizing the original.

  3. Everyone Thinks I'm Jewish says:

    It’s called a prequel.

  4. Anonymous says:

    Come along with the Snorks
    Swim along with the Snorks
    So much to see
    Waiting for you and me
    Have some fun with the Snorks
    Play along with the Snorks
    Sing along with the Snorks
    Happy we’ll be
    Living under the sea
    Come along with the snorks
    If you could breathe underwater
    Where would you go
    If you had friends underwater who would you know
    Come along
    Sing along
    Swim along too
    ‘YA!’
    Come along with the Snorks
    Swim along with the Snorks
    So much to see
    Waiting for you and me
    Swim along with the
    Have some fun with the
    Come along with the Snorks!

    Fuckin Classic!!!

  5. Bastage says:

    The other reason those pixar movies mint money – the whole family goes. All the other movies you sell two tickets at a time. With the family flick, it’s a whole mess of kids paying full price. Again. And again and again…

  6. Sexy Biatch says:

    Check out all the Summer Blockbusters right now!!!

  7. Trekkie!!! says:

    Don’t forget the latest craze of taking a successful movie franchise and starting over again from the beginning. (i.e. Batman, Star Trek, Superman). People already loved the original franchise, lets do the same franchise again, but with different actors and a new story. Odds are you’ll go see it and if you like the first one, you’ll go watch then next 2 even if they suck.

  8. Brad2325 says:

    Or a “reboot”, right? I’m glad they did it with Bond and Batman; Superman not so much.

  9. Anonymous says:

    I would love to see Screech in a movie.

    I haven’t pissed my pants in a LONG TIME

  10. Pierre says:

    hahah Michael Bay directed the Snorks. You know there better be some fucking massive explosions in it.

  11. jackie says:

    really good artcile plastic injection molding regards!!

  12. Anonymous says:

    With no outs.

  13. vaffanculo says:

    Don’t know how many strikes, but definitely no balls.

  14. elwoodinontario says:

    I’d go see “Archie” in a second, just for Kirsten Dunst. Scarlet Johanssen too? Anyone else wanna camp out?

  15. C. Norris says:

    FAIL!

  16. Anonymous says:

    FIRRSSTT

  17. Anonymous says:

    the sad thing is as i kept scrolling down i kept thinking to myself ‘Why the fuck have they not done these?!’… what is this article about anyway… didnt read it, too long.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Third

  19. Woody says:

    Why is Forks dated 2008 anyway?

  20. Woody says:

    I would DEFINITELY go see Snorks.

  21. Anonymous says:

    second

  22. Anonymous says:

    Forks would definitely make tons of money, which is so sad considering its just you guys mocking the idea.