It’s no secret that every summer, the exact same types of movies come out. So in the interest of helping you all become super successful screen writers and directors, we decided to go ahead and break down the four types of summer movies, and what goes in to making them.
1. The Live Action Remake Of A Beloved 1980s Franchise.
Transformers, G.I. Joe, Miami Vice, etc… have all come out in the past three years, and there are tons more on their way. (Magnum P.I., He-Man).
Scripts are like prostitutes, most of them suck and the ones that don’t, usually don’t become widely popular. Studios know this too, so they figure, "well, if our script is going to suck, why don’t we have a sucky script that’s about something everyone remembers and loves?"
Reimagine: That’s the word of the day here. All that means is "remake, but with better special effects." Then once youv’e done that, make a movie poster that just hints at what those beloved characters of ours now look like, wait for it…, wait for it…. REIMAGINED! As you can see here, or, as you CAN’T see here, in our Snorks movie, you can only see the silohuette of the Snork, and his identifying snorkel. And thus, launches thousand of blogs, just like this one, saying shit like "Leaked picture of the Snorks!"
2. The Animated Film That Anthropomorphizes An Animal Or Object
At this point, if the heads of pixar aren’t shitting solid gold, they’re definitely at least finding large chunks of gold in their shit. Every summer Pixar plops out one of these films, and it kills it at the box office.
The key to this is, find an animal or object people encounter every day (Cars, fish, toys) and then make them talk. After that, have them dream of a bigger life. If it’s a fish in an aquarium, have it wish to be in the ocean. A toy in a toy chest, have it wish to see the outside world. In our film "Forks," we take a dingy fork that sits in a silverware drawer in someone’s house, that desperately wants to leave and become a fork used by the President of the United States. On the way, he falls in love with a sterling silver fork from a rich person’s house, and then blah blah everyone says she’s too good for him, you get the fuggin point here.
The beauty of this is that it’s a cartoon so kids want to see it, and it’s also a parable for adults, reminding them of how they’re in an incredibly shitty job that they wish they could get out of and move on to better things. Everyone’s happy for two hours and you’re shitting gold.
3. The Sequel
Why do you get drunk and call up your ex to see if they’ll f*&k? Because you know you’re not going to have to think about it, and the last time you f*&ked them it felt pretty good. The sequel is the perfect summer movie because you’ve already "f*&ked it," and you liked it, so it doesn’t take much to get you to see it again.
Studios are in a no lose situation. If they don’t make the movie, they make no money, and if they make the movie and it’s horrible, they still will make a ton of money that they otherwise wouldn’t have had. And if they make the movie and it’s half way decent, well then they know you’ll get drunk and dial their number one more time.
What you don’t want to do, is what we’ve done above; take a film that was mildly successful, and definitely did not lend itself to a sequel, and try to make one anyway. As movie goers, we may not be able to resist a shitty sequel, but we can definitely resist a sequel that clearly looks like a complete shit storm.
4. The Comic Book Movie
As we all know, comic book movies are huge right now, and they seem to make the perfect summer blockbusters. They have familiar characters, imaginative storylines, and non-stop action and adventure.
But there are only so many cool comic book stories out there, and judging from some of the more recent comic books turned movies, they’re running a little short on ideas. Those movie-making people aren’t stupid, though. Sure, they’ve almost tapped out the action comic book well, but there’s a whole reservoir of boring, out-dated, 1950’s coming-of-age love triangle comics just sitting there, waiting to be brought to life.