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And Here Is A Video Of A Talking Vibrator

Talking Vibrator

There’s a very good chance that I will get fired if I post a video of a talking vibrator in action, even if it isn’t even inside of someone. But, then again, I’m not sure, because this article exists. And this one. The video might be considered pornographic by our overlords. So seeing as I will not take that chance, I urge you, before reading this article, to watch this video. Watch it from beginning to end; completely disregarding the number of showers and hot lava baths you will have to take to wash off the dirty when it’s done. In case you didn’t read the headline, the video is about a vibrator that speaks to you as you use it to do all of the vibrate-y things you do with vibrators. Presumably, you use them to shake your genitals like detectives from the 40s shake hysterical women.

If you want to revel in the joy and merriment that comes along with making fun of a talking vibrator, which is what I intend on doing in this article after the break, then you’re going to have to suck it up and watch a four minute video of a talking vibrator that twirls and shakes as it stands — fully erect, floppy, and transparent — on a picnic table.

Oh, and by the way, in case you’re too dense to piece this puzzle together, the video is NSFW. Probably because it’s about a talking vibrator.


If you listen closely at around the 1:45 mark, the vibrator’s narrator says “I’m going to stick my finger in your…uh…pussy.” The voice actor flubbed a line, and the sound engineer left that shit in and it made it on to the final cut of the dildo album. There was no “Hey, Philip, can you redo that part about sticking a finger in her pussy? You paused a little bit and you sound indecisive. Like, you’re not sure if you’re going to stick a finger in her pussy, or maybe her ass. In fact, it kind of sounds like you’re about to say ‘stick a finger in your ear’. We don’t want to have women or men that are about to plunge this into themselves feel as though they’re going to get finger blasted by an timid, wavering sex beast with an ear fetish.” None of that. The engineer heard the slight pause and figured that people using the talking vibrator will appreciate a little uncertainty in the vibrator’s voice, as if it, too, were unsure if it should exist, let alone smooth talk its way in to raping someone – which is what it clearly sounds like it’s trying to do.

Another great quote spoken by the vibrator is this “Ooooh yeaah. I like it”, which you can hear at around the 2:45 mark.  When typed, that line loses its charm. It’s all in the delivery. When the narrator, who is guiding you on this journey through the caverns of your moist sex junk, says “I like it” he doesn’t say it with the same sexually charged gusto he says every other line with. No; instead, he says it very matter-of-factly, as if he were an office manager approving of an underling’s idea for reorganizing the supply closet. “Ooooh yeaah. I like it. Put the paper clips ooooover therrrrrrre. Oh Yeeeeeeaaah…just like that.”

Of course, there’s only so much one can say about such a nightmarish implement; of a vibrator forged in the fires of hell. But there is this idea out there called Crowd Sourcing, which is all about getting a bunch of people with no tangible connection to each other to submit ideas for a project. In this case, I’m going to crowd source the Youtube comments on this video, which would make it less “crowd sourcing” and more “stealing”, but I don’t care.

The following is a collection of the best comments from the talking vibrator’s Youtube page:

 

“Some guy had to say all of this. Somebody paid him to say this.”

“I want this to speak at my funeral.”

“OK, I haven’t seen anyone else say something. But I have never been so disturbed by someone having an unsteady hand while filming. Because I’m scared to think of what the person behind the camera is doing to have such shaky hands.”

“I’ve always wanted to get f*cked by the Kool-Aid man.”

“LANGUAGE, SIR. I may be the loneliest woman in the world but that does NOT mean you are allowed to use the F-word”

“I’ve never actually recoiled from the computer screen before”

 

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