Some things I just can’t wait for, like masturbating and…well, pretty much just masturbating. Another highly anticipated moment for me is the next Andy Dick news item. Christmas has just come in July because Andy Penis got arrested early this morning for several things outside of L.A. (Is it just me, or does he look like Satan in that picture?)
Police were called to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta at about 1:13 a.m. to investigate a report of “an intoxicated male” urinating outside the bar and causing a disturbance, according to a police statement.
When they arrived, a 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, “grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts,” the statement said.
Friends escorted Dick to a truck, which officers stopped at a nearby Sam’s Club, police said.
Marijuana and the drug Xanax were found his pants pockets during a search and he appeared “extremely intoxicated,” police said.
What is it with this guy and pissing and groping everywhere he goes? Sure, I’ve peed outside a bar in the middle of the night while I was totally wasted and even let loose a revenge piss in the drawers of someone’s armoire I had to move up three flights of stairs when I was delivering furniture, but this guy is gunning for some sort of world record. He got nailed for peeing last year on the sidewalk in Columbus, Ohio and on the floor of the bathroom at the comedy club he was working at — and he pissed on a person. Seriously, if Andy Dick pissed on me, there are only three possible outcomes:
1) I immediately die of alcohol poisoning.
2) I ride the stream of his urine into the seventh ring of hell.
3) There’s no shower nearby and I’m forced to hang myself with my belt.
Although I will say that if he had peed on Ivanka Trump when he was on Kimmel instead of touching her, that would have made my year.