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Animal Skin, Vodka, and Designer Vibrators Are All Lovely Car Accessories


Like most people in the world, you’re probably uber-rich and own a farm that breeds poor people so that you may murder them with spears made of paper mached 100-dollar bills. As a person in possession of such vast reserves of money, the products that commoners purchase aren’t good enough for you. Why own an iPad when you can pay Tom Cruise to mime his hand movements from Minority Report as you surf for vintage Victorian erotica on the internet to satisfy your discerning cranial desires?

The same goes for automobiles. You’re extremely rich. Why buy a Jetta or a Lamborghini when you can plunk down $740,000 on an SUV that gets 999 horsepower, comes with a designer viberator, and your choice of snake, crocodile or elephant skins?

Sounds amazing, right?

Well, guess what, rich people? This lavish SUV, named the Iron.Diamond, can be yours…FOR FREE! The SUV itself will cost you absolutely nothing as it comes as a free gift when you purchase this $740,000 bottle of vodka, which is the world’s most expensive vodka, and it made by the same company that makes the SUV, Russo-Baltique. Why is the vodka so expensive? Because it’s made from the flesh of sentient, bipedal super-potatoes from the future that were captured and dismembered during the Great Potatoes War of 2498. That’s a lie. It’s probably just some regular-ass potatoes and lighter fluid. The bottle’s cap made is from white and yellow gold and contains a diamond-encrusted replica of the Russian Imperial Eagle. On top of that, the bottle is made of 30 centimeters-thick bulletproof glass, so that not a drop of your precious vodka is spilled when you ultimately use the bottle as a shield when the poor revolt.

So for only $740,000, you can drive around in an SUV that has its seats lined with elephants with one hand holding a liquid that costs around the same amount of money that most American’s will ever make in their lifetimes, and the other hand sliding a designer viberator in an out of your most likely gold-gilded vag.

With all that going on, we wonder why Russo-Baltique didn’t just consolidate the stick shift and the viberator in to a single unit that can pleasure your neither regions while and move you in to 3rd gear with a simple reverse cowgirl hip thrust.

3 Responses to "Animal Skin, Vodka, and Designer Vibrators Are All Lovely Car Accessories"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Pretty cher that’s not how you spell ‘vibrator’


    ohh those crazy russians. got fun after 45 and never stopped

  3. Billy-Bob says:

    its called COMBAT T-98