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Answering All Your Questions About the “Airplane Almost Hits Sunbather” Video

By Jared Jones

Earlier this week, a video of an elderly man nearly being run over by an airplane while sunbathing went viral, as videos of that nature are wont to do. Expectedly, footage of a man nearly being run over by an airplane while sunbathing has raised a heap of inquires from Internet users regarding everything from Germany’s zoning laws to the (admittedly epic) suicide-by-human-runway that the old kraut may or may not have been attempting. Luckily, I am something of an expert when it comes to just these subjects, and have rounded up all my resources to answer the questions that have so far gone unanswered. Questions like…

Good question, Bernard, except that the man in question was sunbathing, not napping. You see, those of us who don’t spend every waking moment of our lives asking inane questions on Youtube know that the prime real estate when it comes to sunbathing is located directly in front of a runway, where you have the smallest chance of your sunlight being interrupted by a tree, apartment complex, or other such obstruction. And if the area in front of said runway happens to be a beautiful, sandy beach? Bingo, you’ve found yourself some primo brown-town (beautiful people speak for “tanning area). But you wouldn’t know that, would you, you pasty, habitually-hibernating dickturd.

Did that sound hostile? Because it was supposed to.

I can’t confirm whether underpants were truly shat or not during the incident, but the pilot, 52-year-old pilot Juergen Drucker, did offer the the following half-hearted apology:

“It was me that was flying and I am really sorry. I have to say, as the pictures show, that it wasn’t one of my greatest achievements in the cockpit. In my defence I can say that I didn’t see him because he was lying down and I’m just very grateful it worked out well and I didn’t land on him.”

Oh yeah, it worked out just fine. Can I ask what constitutes a bad day at the office for you, Juergen? 9/11?

Not typically, FlamingBrad. According to an interview with the Daily Mail, Juergen did not actually kill his engine on approach, but rather misjudged his approach to the nearby airfield. What you are perceiving as the propeller slowing down is an optical illusion created by the shutter speed of the camera, which, being German and all, is likely more suited for filming scat porn than impromptu plane crashes.

Clearly you *don’t* know, Bodhidharma. There were in fact several signs posted around the area reading “ATTENTION!, Low Flying Airplanes, RISK OF DEATH.” Anonymous sunbathing dude is either illiterate, a tourist, or some kind of adrenaline junkie who can only become aroused by near-death situations.

Because he almost just killed a man with his plane. Did you even watch the video? Jesus Christ, you guys…

Given that the pilot in this instance almost ran over a man with his plane, that seems like a pretty f*cking dumb question to ask, Bonnie. Am I to assume you’re an expeet dumb f*cking question asker?

A tough question to answer, Alex, being that there are several different ways in which to perceive and measure intelligence. The vague, almost philosophical context by which your question applies to this video also warrants further explanation. Do you mean the stupidest a person can be, like, in general? Because an IQ of 71 is the lowest possible score you can get without being mentally challenged. Or are you simply thinking aloud in the hopes that someone out there will come forth and prove that he or she is in fact the stupidest person alive? Given that this is the Internet, I can’t imagine it will take too long…

I hope you’re satisfied, Alex.

Germany. It says right in the f*cking description. In case you’re also wondering, the year is 2014. Most of us learn these things by reading. Can we *please* get back on track here?

God. Damn. It.

This has been a pointless endeavor. It has become quite apparent that the human race is doomed to become enslaved by our vastly superior primate predecessors. Goodbye, everyone. It’s been real.

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