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Ant Man Should Stay Directorless (and Go Scriptless)

For reasons that likely start and stop with “it’s fucking Ant Man,” the Ant Man movie is now director-less and in tatters. Edgar Wright, apparently the only person aware of the superhero’s existence up until now, is out as director because his vision of a hero named after a harmless bug clashed with other people’s vision of a hero named after a harmless bug.

You can blame Mothra for the Harmless Bug genre having legs to begin with.

Nevertheless, Marvel doesn’t want to delay the movie or replace it with a better movie about a better superhero. In their minds, tons of people are absolutely clamoring to see something that sounds like an SNL parody of a superhero flick and are working their tails off to find a new director. Every time they approach one though, they run away screaming — apparently, the combination of a stupid-ass premise and annoying-ass bosses equals creative death for a lot of people.

So what to do? This movie must continue, for if it doesn’t, Marvel will only be left with a billion movies on their schedule as opposed to a billion and one. But what to do, if Wright’s not coming back and nobody else wants to take over because bathing in curdled milk is a more appetizing life choice?

Simple: no director. And, no script. Turn this movie into an utter free-for-all and watch the profits soar!

Especially if you run Rifftrax.

Ultimately, nobody very few people know about Ant Man, and probably assume my crude Photoshop at the beginning of this article is the real thing. And most people who do know about Ant Man don’t give a shit, because the second they hear the name, they burst out laughing. Marvel Studios should use that widespread ignorance/apathy to their advantage. They should just cast a bunch of people who know nothing about him (which would limit their options to Just About Everybody) and let them make shit up off the top of their heads. All Marvel needs to do is supply them with a few vague bullet points, such as …

  • His name is Ant Man
  • He’s good
  • There’s a bad guy
  • Ant Man wins
  • Ant Man has sex
  • He must be tied to the Avengers somehow

That’s literally all you need. Leave the rest up to the actors. Let them flesh out the plot by doing whatever they think will work best. Is Ant Man tiny? Is he life-size but simply dressed like an ant? Is he brooding? Merry? Unaware of his own existence because he actually IS an ant? Does the villain attempt to kill him by setting up a giant magnifying glass pointed at the Sun? Or is the villain simply an 8-year-old boy obsessed with stepping on ant hills? What out-of-work F-lister would look best in a sexy ant costume so Ant Man can get busy right before the villain shows up and ruins everything?

Should we make her an evil seductress red ant who talks our hero’s ear off and then betrays him?

The possibilities are endless, and all the cast needs to know is ants exist and that somebody based a superhero on them. And if you run a post-credits teaser where Robert Downey Jr. shows up to recruit him for the Avengers, the public will simply gossip about that all day, and your hilariously-awful film will be off the hook.

And if Downey pours molten aluminum all over Ant Man’s's hideout, you just might win an Oscar.

Some might complain that such roughshod, chaotic, confusing film-making will ruin the film or turn it into an utter laughing stock. Those people are right, but they’re also wrong — an organized, well-scripted, expertly-choreographed Ant Man movie will still be a laughing stock, because an Ant Man movie couldn’t hope to be anything but that. Sometimes a cigar is a just a cigar, and sometimes a bad idea is just a bad idea. The least you can do is have some fun with it.

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