Arie Oren: The Love Doctor

Awwww, yeah. Hello, there, ladies. My name is Arie Oren, and I’ll be your doctor as you attempt to shed some pounds here in my Weight Control medical office. When you come by I’ll hoist your legs up upon the stirrups and whatnot while giving you all kinds of sexy advice for losing weight.

For starters, let me rub on you a little bit. Aww, yeah. The ladies can feel the weight being lifted off their fine bodies whenever I rub them like this. You like it, right? Yeah, I know you do.

Now, let’s move on to step-two of the program. Open them legs up every so slowly…that’s right…just like that. Now, you’re going to feel a slight vibration as I run this wand up and down your thighs, but that’s normal. That’s just your cottage cheese thighs melting away in my hands. So just sit back, relax, and let the doctor and his wand do their thang.

Oops! I’m so sorry, sexy lady! I did not mean to put my wand in your no-no sector. Heavens, what kind of doctor what I be if I did such a rude thang? Not a good one, I’ll tell you that.

But, seeing as you didn’t mace me like my last patient, let’s try that maneuver again and see how many pounds shake off that problematic lower region of yours. You know, have I ever mentioned the totally true fact that every orgasm sheds 200 calories? It’s true. So, let’s do some math here: if I give you, say, 90 orgasms right now, that’s 18,000 calories flying off your body right here in this room, baby. Ain’t no body loosing 18,000 calroies in one day…except you, baby. Only you.

Yeah…yeah…you like that? That’s the miracle of my weight loss program. Who said getting thin had to be hard work? All you’ve gotta do is lie back on my mat and let daddy Oren do all the work.

Also, it helps if you touch my penis a little. It’ll get both our heart rates up, our blood pumping, and our genitals juicing with fat burning glee. And maybe if you squeeze it you’ll lose even more weight. How much? I don’t know. Let’s just call it an even 1 million. 90 orgasms and a little pee-pee squeeze will have you in bikini shape just in time for beach season. That’s just science. You can’t refute it.

Alright, now, I have to know: how serious are you about losing weight? Very serious? Good. Because I have a surefire way for you to drop 20 pounds right here, right now. Wanna do it? Good. Now scream at my butthole, baby. Yeah, it sounds a little strange, I’ll admit. But it works. You see, when your vocal chords rattle together quickly, as they do when you scream, it scares your fat away. And if you scream in to a butthole, specifically my butthole, the puckered nature of my butthole will send the soundwaves bouncing back in to your mouth, thus multiplying the fat scaring effect by a factor of my butthole squared.

What? Nah, baby. I would never scam you in to thinking do dirty sex stuff with me to lose weight is a ploy. I wouldn’t do that to you. You know me. I don’t roll that way.

Hm? What’s that?

Oh, you’re calling the cops?

I guess I should have seen that coming, baby.