Hey, sometime you’ve just gotta clutch your fingers in to a claw-like position, reach them in you’re the outer anal walls, and give it a rough rubdown. Maybe you’re doing it pull out some undies that got sucked up there after you sneezed and there was this kind of suction effect that pulled them straight up your butt, or maybe you didn’t wipe very well after that morning poop and you’re kind of itchy – whatever your reason, it’s about time you learned the art of picking your butt in public.
Most people just assume that when they’re surrounded by humans in a public area that any old butt picking method will do. One thing to keep in mind about this fact is that most people are idiots that you shouldn’t trust with a pair child safety scissors, let alone advice on probing your most sacred hole of poopdom. So, let us tell you how to do it. Consider Holy Taco your friendly neighborhood creepy guy that everyone on the block tries to avoid at all costs, but will occasionally have to visit because he’s filled with a bunch of genuinely good advice. On the matters of picking ass.
So get your Purell ready, kids! You’re butt is about to get schooled in the art of picking!
There are many hand configurations to choose from when you reach down to your ass, separate the cheeks, and get to digging. Some are simple and have a very light learning curve, while others are highly technical and should not be attempted without a trusted friend that’s CPR trained and knows the complex internal configuration of your anus.
For something simple and classic, you can do no wrong with The Pincher, and its classic index/thumb usage. Or, for something a little more advanced, you can use a method we love here at HT, The Sock Puppet, which is when you position your fingers in the same manner you would when operating a sock puppet – four flattened fingers with the thumb as the bottom jaw of a mouth. This method is handy for a couple of reasons: 1) it’s like your hand is talking to your butthole, and 2) it creates a nice massaging sensation that relaxes while soothing away that pesky itch. It’s also great for shoveling out that underwear from within the depths of your dirty button.
There’s also the Vertical Brontosaurs, which is claw-like and makes it seem like your hand is a long dead sauropod. If that’s too difficult for you to imagine, then here’s a picture. Just imagine putting this in your pooper…
The Part About Doing It In Public
Picking your butt in public – there are two main ways you can go about it. Firstly, you can be very up front about it and not hold anything back. Some people like the balls you show by openly shoveling fingers in your butt. It shows spunk. If you reach deeper in to your rectum, you may even be able to produce spunk, but that’s an article for a website that’s much filthier than we are allowed to be. The second method is the clandestine butt picking; the kind that you want no one to know about.
Both are perfectly viable options, but with vastly different techniques. Let’s start off with the upfront style.
When you are making it very apparent that you are picking your butt in the company of other humans, it would be wise to slightly exaggerate your movements as a curtsey to those in your presence. So, if you need to pick your butt as you are walking towards someone or something, reach behind and plunge you fingers in to your butt, then give a nice, vigorous scratching, while walking with a slight hunch and with your legs stiffened at the knees. This adds a sense of dramatic flair to your butt scratching that will really pop out at people and make them think, “Man, when Tom scratches his ass, it’s like I’m cheering him on with the hope that he may one day conquer that itch, or wedgie, or anal lice, or whatever. It’s moving. It’s like he’s scratching my heart’s asshole.”
Of course, going the other way is cool, too; and people tend to prefer this method due to issues with embarrassment. One way to do it is with the Cordless Vac method, which is one of the most poorly named methods of the thousands out there. Anyway, the Cordless Vac method involves no hands, and it’s all about trying to juggle your butt cheeks around in a way that allows the filthy hair around your O-ring to act as an abrasive that does the scratching for you. This is a favorite among public butt scratching enthusiasts; for it both councils the act of scratching, and it makes you feel like a MacGyver of the ass. The one downside, though, is that the sensation can be too pleasurable, and can cause minor eye twitching and mumbled, pleasure groans of “Yeah…yeah…right in my stink sink.”