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As Americans Get Fatter, Our Ability To Care Lowers

Fat Kids

Remember back in 1990 when you were just coming out of your Andrew McCarthy phase, you always bumped your Deee-Lite cassette tape, completely wearing out the section of tape that held “Grove Is In The Heart”, and you weighed an average of 180 pound and your ideal weight was 171 pounds?

Man, those were the days. I mean, personally, I still listen to Deee-Lite as a part of my morning Thigh Master-ing, and I’ve cut back my viewings of Mannequin by 63% in the past year, but it sure was great when I weighed 180 pounds and 171 was an easily attainable goal.

Sadly, not anymore. Not for me, and not for many other Americans.

According to a Gallup Survey of 1,012 American adults, as a whole, Americans are getting fatter and we’re all becoming more and more accepting of that fact as the decades roll on and as we roll off things that we can’t just lift ourselves off of anymore, because all of a sudden getting out of a chair is just as exhausting as whatever it was that made us sit in a chair to begin with.

I know what you’re thinking – why a poll of only 1,012 people? Because 1,012 people is the exact number of people you need to speak for over 300,000,000 people.

On average, today’s man on the go is slightly less mobile, weighing in at around 196 pounds, as compared to the average weight of a man in 1990, 180 pounds.

The same goes for women, who averaged 142 pounds in 1990, and now average 160 pounds.

Folks, this just goes to show that whatever a woman does a man can do better. Of course, it’s not entirely a woman’s fault for not being able to cram food in to their pie-stained calorie gullets as efficiently as a man can, because the wage gap between men and women is so heavily weighted in favor of men that it’s a no-contest. Men can by all the food they want, and women can only afford a little bit less. How heavily weighed is this monetary favoritism? Well, whatever the difference 196 and 160 is. My fingers tell me it’s 112, but I might be wrong seeing as I don’t have 112 fingers and I don’t know how I came to that number.

Only 39% of the polled adults considered themselves to be overweight, while the other 61% of those adults still believe Santa is real, Big Foot will soon be found, and their son’s aren’t gay, they just have a lot of straight guy-friends named Majesty.

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