Because Holy Taco is about self improvement, probably, it stands to reason we should have an advice column that helps you be all the you you can be before some other shmuck steps in and tries to out you you. Man, that’d suck. And what better way to fully be you than by getting the full spread of advice from a man and a woman in the know?
To keep it totally balanced and legit, we cornered Mal, a real life girl with fallopian tubes and mood swings, in the break room and forced her to help so we can have all chromosomes present and accounted for in our answers to your super tough questions. She types up other stuff over at her blog if you doubt us, and you should, we lie about women like you wouldn’t believe. Anyway, let’s check out today’s questions of rousing importance, hijacked from some sites frequented by lonely, sad men.
I am a 51 year old male- who stands 5’ 4” tall. My questions have to do with my difficulty finding suitable partners due to (I believe) my short stature. What is the best way for a smaller than average male to overcome this height prejudice? Secondly, why do most women list the qualities they are looking for in their online profiles, then when a man (like me) with those qualities responds, they ignore them?
-Nothing Lacking Here
Height, shmite. You are probably one or more of the following: really poor, in possession of a penis that resembles Gonzo’s nose, or are ignoring a vital flaw and hiding behind your issue – or, from the sound of your stature, a moderately-sized rock or ottoman.
The best way to overcome this prejudice is to threaten every woman you meet with a discrimination lawsuit if she seems to dislike you. This will scare/seduce her into submission. Or, take a page from the book of the Jews (not the Torah, the one about dating and coupon clipping… they keep it in the back) and tell stories of how you’ve been persecuted; give ‘em a real sob story. Try not to bore them, though, like you just did with me. Really make sure you guilt trip the girl into sleeping with you. Hey, it worked for my parents!
The reason women list qualities they aren’t really looking for on online dating sites is because they want to hide the fact they have no substance, happiness or sanity. Try listing things like "tolerant of poo fetish activities," "not afraid to watch a woman cry for hours on end," and "I don’t care if your picture is actually from six years and 100lbs ago."
If all else fails, try injecting some of Stretch Armstrong’s genes into your veins. Not too much, though, or every erection you have will slam against a wall.
Little buddy, I have bad news for you – no one likes a tiny person. Blame TLC. If you haven’t noticed, every show on TLC is either about pastries or tiny people. In fact, there’s one about tiny people who make pastries. If you watch it you’ll probably get a nosebleed because the average brain cannot and will not tolerate TLC.
That said, stop being retarded. No offense. But really, stop it. The reason women list all those qualities is because they do want those, they just want them in a human, not an Ewok. Look at it this way, if you go to a restaurant and you see a tasty steak on the menu, and then when it arrives it happens to have a steamy mound of dog shit on it, are you going to look past the dog shit and eat the steak? If you answered yes, you definitely belong on the internet. But also, you’re terrible and wrong. Just like those women would be if they looked past your crippling inability to not be so goddamn short and accepted you for whatever qualities you feel you’ve packed into your little pint-sized body.
In conclusion, perhaps you could find a nice legless girl, or maybe someone from TLC. Have fun!
I’m in a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a woman I get along with really well, and I am interested in a real relationship. I know she’s open to it, but there’s one thing holding me back: She’s overweight. And while it doesn’t matter to me, it restricts what’s possible in bed. Do I talk to her about it? If so, how?
- Some Dude
First of all, you’re in an "arrangement?" That’s pretty official-sounding. I mean, that seems legit. Was there paperwork and everything? Does a notary have to sign off on it every time you pork?
Second, you should absolutely talk to her about it, and as bluntly as possible. Girls aren’t very sensitive about their weight, despite what the media may tell you, and beating around the bush will just piss her off. Sit her down (although, let’s be honest, she was probably sitting anyway) and tell her what’s what. You want to get laid, and you don’t just want the salad bar – you want the whole buffet.
Then you tell her that she is the issue – not you, not your bed, not society – her. Tell her straight up, "you are limiting my sexual options." If she doesn’t immediately start running on the treadmill due to guilt, remind her that it is her duty as Friend with Benefits to be the best lay possible.
If this doesn’t work, find some hot, skinny chicks and engage in an orgy. Then, arrange for your friend to walk in. Smirk and say, "sorry, I didn’t see you there… I was buried under skinny vagine!" This oughtta do it.
Finally, I must tell you that you are wrong- the only limitation you will encounter with fat girl sex is the weight limitation of your bed. Even then, you can always bang in the grass. There may be some huge fatties on this planet, but few of them have manned to hump a hole to the center of the earth.
It needs to be pointed out right off the bat that your question makes just short of no sense. Was she cutting off your oxygen supply shortly before you wrote that? Aren’t you banging her right now? Do you change your technique when you’re in a relationship? What the f*ck are you talking about?
Anyway, if we accept that friends with benefit sex is somehow different than relationship sex as it relates to fat people, then all you need to know is this – you can rig a penis extender with some masking tape and a discarded paper towel tube. Once firmly affixed you’re packing the extra inches necessary to hump around corners, or around errant flab. Sound stupid? So did your question but it was the best I could come up with.