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Ask Holy Taco: Some Answers

Last week we asked you, dear readers, to ask us any questions you wanted and we would provide you with the most honest, forthright answers possible. Kind of like Dear Abby, but with more penis references. Here are our answers.

DrEvil:  I know stalking laws vary from state to state, but generally speaking, if I confine my activities to daylight hours, is that still considered stalking?
A: I don’t think it’s a daytime night time thing. I think stalking is sort of dependent on if the person you’re stalking wants to have sex with you.
Here’s an example: Say Megan Fox was following me all day, everywhere I went.  Then I come out of my house and she runs up and throws her ejaculate on my face.  I would laugh and say, "we should hang out." Not stalking.
Now, reverse it.  I’m the one who throws the ejaculate.  Stalking.

Josh: What are the perfect co-workers?

A: There is no such thing as a perfect coworker because everyone you work with is really annoying. After you’ve spent time cooped up with someone in a cubicle maze, anything they do or say makes you want to murder them with your bare hands. Whether it’s because they sneeze too much, or take a dump on your desk, or try to get you fired, they always find ways to get on your nerves. But, having said that, a coworker who will have sex with you is pretty cool.

Curious in NC: Does getting a blowjob from a guy make you gay? What about 18 blowjobs from 13 different guys?

A: A few weeks ago, I would’ve said "Yes, multiple dude-on-dude blowjobs would probably qualify as gay." But, according to the Christian Nymphos, you can do pretty much anything you want to your genitals as long as you keep your thoughts pure. So, just make sure you think of Jesus or God or something holy (Holy Taco?) while those 13 guys are giving you those 18 blowjobs. And if it’s OK with God, then it’s not a sin, because as we all have been told that God hates the gays by sign-holding hillbilly children. Just to be sure, you may want to call on the Lord with a few, "Oh God! Oh Jesus! Oh God! Yes, yes, yes Jesus!" while it’s happening to make sure it’s not gay.

Alex Says: A certain nuclear reactor is fueld with 2,000 kg of uranium rods enriched to 25.0 weight percent 235U. The remainder is 238U. The density of the Uranium is 19.1 g/cm^3.

How much 235U is in the reactor?

A: 69.

Flip Washington: How do blind people know when to stop wiping?
A: To better answer your question, I blindfolded myself and took a shit.
But then as I was doing it I thought "What if I suddenly die right now, taking a shit with a blindfold on?"  And THEN I thought, "Man, if that happens, that would really be a confusing case for the cops.  I hope the case would be given to an overzealous rookie cop who’s trying to make a name for himself.  Then he turns it into this huge conspiracy, and has a big white board in his office with a picture of me dead, with the blindfold and shitty ass at the top, and then all these arrows leading to clues and other pictures of suspects and stuff below my picture.  And he stares at it all night until his older, more seasoned partner comes in and is like "don’t do this to yourself.  You’re letting your emotions get involved, kid."  Then after I thought that, I realized I didn’t know when to stop wiping my ass, so I just took off my blindfold.  So to answer your question, I don’t know.

Jambo:  Why do the writers/bloggers at ‘Holy Taco’ seem to drop the ball when it comes to proper punctuation and use of the English language
A: That’s an excellent question.  My dad asks me the same question all the time and I¹ll tell you what I tell him, "If it bothers you that much, you shouldn¹t have fucked my mom."  In all seriousness, it also bothers us when we have grammatical mistakes, in the same way it bothers me when I don’t bring my girlfriend to orgasm.  Which is to say I comment aloud about how it bothers me, and then do nothing to fix the situation.

Matt Dogg: What exactly is Kim Kardashian’s ass made of??

A: Hamburger meat and packing peanuts.

Seth:  Why holy taco? Why a taco? and why is it holy? why not unholy? and why not a churro? I know thats more than one question but………..fuck u.
A: There’s not really any cool story.  Our boss owned like a thousand domains and he just picked that one, then hired us.  To be honest, it reminds me of something Screech would say on Saved By The Bell, if he walked in on Zach stealing tests or something, (Hooooly Tacooooooo, Zach!) which would then cause the studio audience to erupt in laughter.  Therefore, there’s no significance to the name. It means nothing.  Although my mom called me when I first started and I swear to God, says "People are telling me that your site is a term for when a woman has a desirable vagina."  At which point my penis looked up at me and said ³Don¹t expect me to ever be hard again.

fuck you: where can i get dinosaur pornography?

A: In what is the only helpful answer to a question in this list: right here. (careful, it’s really NSFW)

Feel free to ask us some more questions in the comments section. And if your questions was answered, send your address to feedback@holytaco.com and we’ll send you some crap.

11 Responses to "Ask Holy Taco: Some Answers"

  1. Josh says:

    How many licks does it TRULY take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

  2. Confused Parent says:

    Is it bad to name my new kid after my dead dog?

  3. dr_brunster says:

    I don’t know if it helps answer Flip’s question, but I wear glasses and don’t wipe at all.

  4. Blake says:

    There is 500kg U235 in the reactor.

  5. Pratik says:

    The writer’s mom is the coolest older lady I’ve heard of so far.

  6. Anonymous says:

    @Flip. They use their sense of taste.

  7. Tyler says:

    I actually clicked on the linked to the dinosaur porn….30 seconds in I couldn’t stop laughing.

    This world is a very strange place.

  8. Blake says:

    Why is my father in that picture up there? I asked this last week and it is bothering me more now that I know he’ll be the standard picture used for this lame ass segment.

  9. Jay T. says:

    For the rest of my life, whenever I hear someone mention a terradactyl that clip is going to run through my mind. It takes on a double meaning with this: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=terradactyl

  10. jack23 says:

    Isn’t Christian Nymphos an oxymoron?

  11. jack23 says:

    Isn’t Christian Nymphos an oxymoron?