We receive dozens of emails every single day in which readers ask us a wide variety of questions. Usually these questions are way too stupid to answer, but recently we’ve received a lot of Thanksgiving-oriented questions
, so we thought we’d do you all a holiday favor and provide some much needed answers to these important holiday queries:
Great question, Jack. We all have shitty, smelly, diaper-clad old relatives
that we wish were dead by now. The important thing to remember about these relatives is that, while they may not be dead yet, they will
be soon. Very
soon. Does this mean that you should be sympathetic to their craziness? Abso-f*ckin’-lutely NOT. Just because they’re still shellshocked from a 60-year old war doesn’t mean that you should have to miss the second quarter of the Cowboys/Lions football game, no matter how uneventful and boring it’s going to be. All it means is that, should they happen to pass away, nobody would be very surprised. Don’t get ahead of us here. We’re not saying you should kill your own relatives. Your job is much easier than that. Just look through your old crazy relative’s personal belongings for something that looks like this:
This is a pillbox. It contains all of your relative’s medication, sorted by day. Some simple rearranging before Thanksgiving dinner should provide your relative with an unexpected post-meal medicinal cocktail that’ll knock them right out. Drag them into a closet or a laundry room to account for snoring, and enjoy your inconsequential football game in peace. If the mystery cocktail
should happen to kill your relative, your family will just assume that they had a fabulous T-Day and went out on top. Glad we could help, Jack!
Thanks for writing in, Robin. This is a great question, especially coming from a cunt like yourself. Pretty strong words for a couple of homos, huh? Even though modern Thanksgiving meals are based around a giant, delicious, preferrably deep-fried turkey, the first Thanksgiving
likely didn’t involve any turkey at all. The pilgrims who arrived in (what would later become) America were incredibly poor and stupid, and they didn’t bring any ovens or deep-friers along with them. As a result, they were forced to just cook whatever they could hunt, so the meal probably consisted of duck, fish, venison, and a collection of disgusting vegetables, none of which were served in pie form because pre-made pie crusts were in very short supply back then. They probably did
try to center the holiday meal around hamburger at some point, but have you ever tried to sculpt something out of raw ground beef? It’s way too hard to mold hamburger meat into the shape of a turkey and get it to stay that way, so they just decided to eat actual turkey instead. Thanks for your question, stupidface!
Finally, a good question! Thanks, Cameron. Technically, what you heard is true: turkey contains a naturally occuring amino acid called tryptophan. In fact, all poultry meat contains tryptophan, and it does make you sleepy. A normal turkey dinner will contain mere micrograms of tryptophan, though, and this is about the average for all poultry meats, so there’s nothing particularly special about the tryptophan levels in turkey specifically. The reason people fall asleep after Thanksgiving dinner is two-fold: first, they’ve just eaten about three times as much food as they do in a normal meal, and their bodies literally have to shut down for a while to process the calories. Secondly, falling asleep is the best way to avoid horrible conversations with family members that you hate. As for utilizing tryptophan as a date rape drug, it would totally work, but you’d have to extract massive amounts of tryptophan, but if there’s anywhere in the world that someone could make a decent living from selling concentrated tryptophan as a date rape drug, it’s in New Haven, Connecticut. Good luck, Cam!
Do You Have an important question for Holy Taco? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org
, and maybe we’ll answer your question in the next round of Ask Holy Taco.