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Attention Microbes In The Ocean: Stop Farting In Our Water


Knowing that sea-fearing microbes make up a large percentage of our readership, I am going to address this article to them, or really, to you.

My message is simple, and I will be very direct:

Microbes, Stop Farting In our Oceans.

I know, you’re but a simple form of life that must release your pent-up gasses, but according to some smarty-pants scientists over at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution (WHOI), your farts contribute to the trapping of greenhouse gasses, thus dooming us all. Or something to that affect. That doesn’t bother us very much though. I mean, it will, when the earth is all Water World-y and we all have gills and we’re drinking our own pee, but in the short run we just don’t want to see a bubble spring up from beneath the surface and know that it came from your microscopic asshole. We already know that fish are polluting our beach time fun with their fecal mess, we just don’t want your ass turning a day at the beach in to a tour of our local sewage waste facility.

Seeing as the actual scientific explanation for why you guys fart so often is a little too complex for us to explain, we’ll just copy and paste this explanation from a site we found called trebuchet-magazine.com:

“bacteria coalesce on tiny particles of carbon-rich detritus sinking through the depths. WHOI marine biogeochemists Laura Hmelo, Benjamin Van Mooy, and Tracy Mincer found that these bacteria send out chemical signals to discern if other bacteria are in the neighborhood. If enough of their cohorts are nearby, then bacteria en masse commence secreting enzymes that break up the carbon-containing molecules within the particles into more digestible bits. It has been suggested that coordinated expression of enzymes is very advantageous for bacteria on sinking particles, and Hmelo and her colleagues have uncovered the first proof of this in the ocean.”

If we’re reading this correctly, which we may not be, then it seems you ocean microbes use farts as a means of communication. In your world of floating endlessly through the earth’s many seas, the way you make friends is by slapping out a beefy gust of wind. What are you, a child? I know you’re a simple form of life, but you are a part of the complex and deeply interesting system of life and are studied by some of the world’s smartest humans. Do you really want to be known as the idiots that make friends by impressing each other with farts? Isn’t that a little childish? You’ve been around since the dawn of time, since life began, and in all that time you haven’t matured beyond the point of farting at each other, laughing, and forming deep, meaningful partnerships as result. I’m sorry to say it, but that’s pathetic. I once made a friend because in high school we both liked the Insane Clown Posse. That’s pretty pathetic by human standards. But by microbial standards being brought together by ICP is like making a new best friend at a MENSA meeting.

I know I shouldn’t expect much from a simple form of life like you, microbes. But I hold everything that meets the requirements for being officially classified as living to a high standard. Thus, while you are a living creature, you are making an ass of ourselves and are embarrassing us. Besides, what are we going to say to the aliens that visit us in 500 years, after the polar ice caps have melted and the coldest place on earth is 105 degrees? That a simple form of life farted us in to the apocalypse? Do you know how embarrassing that will be for us? No grand nuclear war. No asteroid-caused mass extinction. Just microscopic farts. We will officially be known as the biggest pussies in the cosmos. And you will be to blame.

So, in closing: Microbes, please, grow the f*ck up.

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