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Attention Shoppers: Stop Smearing Your Buttholes on the Shopping Carts. Thank You.

Shopping cart

Attention Shoppers: we at SuperFoods supermarket just read a news story that we feel we have to pass along to you, our loyal customers.

It appears researchers from the University of Arizona recently swabbed 85 shopping carts from a number of grocery stores from different 4 states. The researchers found 72 percent of the carts had traces of fecal matter, and 50 percent had traces of had E. Coli. We can only assume that you, our loyal customers, are gently pressing your exposed buttholes all over our carts, for reasons that we can not even begin to fathom. Maybe you like the feeling of the cold steel being mashed up against your sensitive anal nerve endings? Or maybe you guys just like the thought of someone else that you will never meet touching something slathered in your shit smears? We don’t know. We’ve been bashing our heads together for the past few hours to come up with a logical reason, and the only one that makes any kind of sense is that you people are absolutely disgusting, and, if this were a less modern era, would all have died years ago from putting spoons in your mouths that you forgot you had rammed up your filthy asses no less than an hour earlier.

While we at SuperFoods sympathize and completely understand your need/desire to press your buttholes on to random objects that literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people will eventually use. That being said, we strongly suggest you consider pressing your buttholes on to other things. But let’s be clear about one thing, though: we don’t want you pressing your buttholes and smearing your ass funk all over anything that has to do with the SuperFoods grocery chain. That goes for shopping carts, fresh produce, frozen dinners, canned soups, etc. Basically anything you can find within one of our stores and within a 5,000 foot diameter of one of our stores. Although, you can still smear your buttholes on our toilets. That’s what they’re there for.

Also, let’s clarify one more thing: you are more than welcome to purchase phallic-shaped fresh produce, like zucchini and cucumbers, and ram them up your asses, completely dousing them with your fecal marinade. But, please, do this in the privacy of your own home, and please, we urge you, DO NOT RETURN THE PRODUCE BECAUSE “IT SMELLS LIKE ASS.” If you didn’t notice the stench when you bought it, then we can only assume it was in your ass.

Poopcumber

But back to the issue of the shopping carts.

The article went on to state that most of the restrooms in these grocery stores contained less fecal residue than the shopping carts, due to the fact that they are sterilized far more often than the carts. While we take pride in our clean restrooms here at SuperFoods, we do realize that a very small portion of the blame for the literal shittiness of our carts can be heaped upon us. But even if we did sterilize every single cart every day, they’d still be loaded with feces come closing time. This is because all of you are quite possibly retarded and view your own feces as some kind of arts and crafts tool that allows you to make stick figures that you pose in various sexual positions. Well, here’s a newsflash, folks: shit melts in a kiln, so you’re wasting your time.

We just don’t get it. You use your hands to rub your eyes, pick your teeth, to touch your children, and to feed yourself. You’d think with all of that intimate hand contact you’d want to keep your hands free of doo-doo particles. Apparently not. When you wipe your asses and realize you never grabbed toilet paper and have been rubbing your bare hand on your filth anuses, you just walk away thinking to yourselves “well, at least my butthole’s clean,” and then you cram gooey nachos in to your gaping maws.

While some of you are clearly immune to feces floating in your systems, the rest of us have no tolerance for it, probably because, as human beings, we, unlike you, are not pigs. Literal pigs.

So, finally, and we repeat, please, stop smearing your buttholes on our carts, and stop handling your own fecal matter before touching things, especially our shopping carts.

Also, if you check our weekly flier you’ll notice we are currently having a fire sale on antibacterial wipes.

Antibacterial wipes

3 Responses to "Attention Shoppers: Stop Smearing Your Buttholes on the Shopping Carts. Thank You."

  1. Keith says:

    Hey Einstein,
    This is probably from dumb, shitty little kids leaking shit from their diapers.
    FYI
    Thanks