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The Audible Monologue of a 63-Year-Old Woman Watching ‘The Walking Dead’ for the First Time

63 year old woman

What’s this show about? Zombies? I don’t think I like that. The only thing I ever saw with zombies was that comedy. It had Woody Harrelson and some young actor. At one point they showed up at Chevy Chase’s house. No, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Bill Murray. I think it was called Zombieville. Yeah, that’s what I said. Zombieland. It was stupid.

Whose hand is that? Why would he cut off his own hand? That’s horrible. Why would they leave him there? Wouldn’t his brother have helped him? Well, where was the brother? What camp? This is all very confusing.

Who are those girls? Are they zombies? Well, how should I know who’s a zombie and who’s not? I’ve never seen this movie before. I thought zombies couldn’t go out in the sunlight? Vampires? What’s the difference? I can’t make heads of tails of this.

Oh my god! What’s wrong with that woman’s face? So she’s a zombie? I don’t care for this movie one bit. Why did they shoot her? This is very violent. Wait, who are those Mexicans? Are they zombies too? Then why are they fighting? Don’t shush me!

t dog walking dead

So that guy’s a cop? Why doesn’t he just arrest the zombies? Well, where are all the other police? I find that hard to believe. Do you remember when we went to visit your cousin Sarah in Atlanta? It was so hot that summer. I didn’t care for that city. Sarah ended up marrying that black guy. What was his name? Terry? Something with a ‘T.’ They’re divorced, now. That’s it, Tyreese! Hey, that black guy’s name is Tyreese, too! Is that an African name? He kind of looks like Sarah’s Tyreese. Wait, that’s not Tyreese? Which one’s that? T-Dog? Why do black people always call each other dogs? Like that Snoops Dog, and Dogs the Bounty Hunter. He is? Then who am I thinking of? I said don’t shush me!

OK, what just happened? Why is that guy digging holes? Well I thought you said you’d seen this before? So there’s more than one movie? It’s a TV show? What channel’s it on? What the hell is AMC? Is that were that Connor O’Brien went? I didn’t like his show at all. He was always making stupid voices. I’m glad that Jay’s back. Oh my god, did she just bite him? Are all those people vampires? Why don’t they drive away? Is that little boy his son? What other cop? I thought you said the other cops were dead? No, you shut up!

It’s over? What kind of ending is that for a movie? The things people watch these days. No wonder kids are shooting each other at school. Go ahead and laugh if you want. I guess I don’t know what I’m talking about, and you know everything! Well I’ll tell you this, at least I have enough sense not to watch this Twilight, crap. Fine, "Walking Dead!" Whatever it is, I know I don’t like it. I’m not drunk! Change the channel. "Dancing with the Stars" is on.

4 Responses to "The Audible Monologue of a 63-Year-Old Woman Watching ‘The Walking Dead’ for the First Time"

  1. FIRST! says:

    FIRST!

  2. First. says:

    Second!

  3. theGERMAN says:

    Old people smell funny!