I can’t even count the number of times I’ve engaged my genitals in a sexual act with another person and thought that this situation would be so much better if the scent of fried pork punched itself out of our nether regions each and every time I thrusted. When I share an intimate moment with another person, I want the natural muskiness of sex to be replaced by the smell of a Wendy’s Baconator.
Luckily for people like me there is now a massage oil and “personal lubricant” aptly called Baconlube, and it’s a sex lube that smells and tastes like bacon, because you’ve always wanted your hog to smell like pork so when you pork it can smell like hog.
Some may wonder if there is even a market out there for a sexual lubricant that smells and tastes like bacon. But those naysayers are instantly silenced when they take one look at Baconlube’s marketing materials and see this ad…
…and understand that Baconlube is made specifically for those that wish to knock boots with a pig but don’t want to deal with the sty, and by sty, of course, I mean a boil you get in your eye after getting a face full of sexy lady-pig parts.
That, or it’s for people that get a little overly excited when their Denny’s waitress brings their Grandslam to the table.
Folks, this sexual fascination with bacon is all well and good, but I can’t but feel we’re ignoring the other, some argue even more delicious and more inherently sexually arousing breakfast meat out there: Canadian bacon. Some say it’s just ham, but I call it Canada’s Meat Drape.
According to the Baconlube product description on Baconsalt.com, when given a choice, four in 10 Canadians would choose bacon over sex, according to a survey conducted by Maple Leaf Foods, “Canada’s market leader in the bacon category”. That’s an actual quote from the Baconlube product description, which leads me to believe that Canadians don’t think they have a lot to be proud of. It’s bacon and Alan Thicke.
If the substance of the Baconlube product description is to be believed, then Canada is the number-one place to sell and market bacon-sex paraphernalia. And if we’re going to fetishize bacon, why not go all-in and include the bacon that’s so Canadian the word Canada is in the name? So why can’t there be Canadian bacon condoms? Or Canadian bacon sex wipes? Who wouldn’t want to pull away from their lover after some passionate love making and wipe away the gooey love stickiness with a room temperature slice of wet maple-scented ham? Because to a Canadian, nothing says “I love you” more than erotic odors of processed pig meat and sex juices.