Folks, it’s no secret that the Chinese are plotting an extravagant and deadly scheme to kidnap the state of Massachusetts and hold it for ransom in an effort to get back all the money America owes them. But for quite some time the manner of the takeover has been shrouded in secret. For so long we have wondered exactly how the Chinese are going to strike, and what fruit-based weaponry will they use?
Well, the answers to those questions were leaked to the press today, and prepare to have your pantaloons become a bubbling cauldron of fear poo:
Watermelons have been bursting by the score in eastern China after farmers gave them overdoses of growth chemicals during wet weather, creating what state media called fields of “land mines.”
That’s right: the Chinese has created explosive watermelons!
We always knew they retribution would be fast, gruesome, and deadly, but we never knew it would also have seeds and be perfect on a hot summer day.
The WMDs (Watermelons of Mass Destruction) are the result of the recent high global demand for watermelons, which prompted scores of Chinese farmers to plant watermelon seeds so they could rake in some cash. So if you’re enjoying a nice all-American summer picnic in the park with your friends and family, you can all rest assure knowing that it truly is “all-American” when you read the words “Made In China” on your Frisbee, sunglasses, barbeque spatula, and now your watermelons.
The watermelon farmers, many of whom were growing watermelon for the first time and didn’t exactly know the proper watermelon-growing procedure, over-used a chemical growth accelerator called forchlorfenuron — a chemical used in the U.S. on kiwi fruit and grapes. But what these farmers didn’t realize is that they were not only creating a larger form of a delicious, juicy treat, but also a dirty bomb filled with rind and seed shrapnel.
And that’s not all, folks. Apparently, the types of melons the farmers were pouring forchlorfenuron on to are known in melon growing circles as “exploding melons,” due to their thin rinds and tendency to split and unleash their fiery broth of that Blow Pop flavor that nobody likes all on their own, without the aid of growth accelerators. Do you know what this means? The Chinese are making genetically altered super-bombs out of naturally occurring regular bombs. We all marveled at our ability to split atoms, but China has watermelons that can split themselves. Terrifying.
There’s still some debate as to how the watermelons will be detonated on U.S. soil, but considering the Chinese invented fireworks, it’s probably not too difficult to figure out. Although, there are some conspiracy theorists that believe food-smashing stand-up comedian Gallagher may be a Chinese sleeper agent, perhaps even being the lead scientist on the exploding watermelon project.