Best Burning Man Tweets

So if you were unable or unwilling to attend the infamous Burning Man festival this week, you missed out on a lot of mind-expanding experiences. You missed out on a lot of dusty, half-naked women and sinewy forty-something dudes with way more confidence than you. While Burning Man is supposed to be a disconnected retreat for confused college students and old people who can’t let go, there was no way it was going to remain untweeted.

There’s a danger that nobody was warned about during Burning Man’s safety briefing. Mostly because nobody could foresee flying backpacks as a real danger, but also because Burning Man doesn’t give a safety briefing.

Yeah, be careful! You wouldn’t want to end up listening to bad music with a bunch of well-to-do thirty year olds desperately clinging to their early college years! Burning Man, or Dave concert — I can’t, for the life of me, figure out which one of those would be worse.

… By the giant glowing dog. Next to the smoldering fish full of fireworks. Between the re-saging station and giant penis statue made from dead hawk feathers… You still don’t know where we’re talking about? Let me draw you a map in the sand.

Attention burning man attendees, if you miss spacepod #2, you’re going to have to wait up to one hour for spacepod #3. If you miss spacepod #3, you’re going to have to get in your Jetta and drive back to reality, where your wife and children are waiting for you.

6:55 AM: walk by giant lobster trap again, aforementioned burners were naked, screaming at the spiders on the walls. There were no spiders. Or walls. #burnalujah

Or maybe they just dress like extras in a Mad Max movie and get high in the desert…

Please don’t call Attorney Steve Evenson to file suit against the guy who sold you bad ecstasy. I know you’re mad about it, but you’re going to get yourself in trouble.

… I was just asking because my girlfriend is there with some guy friends and her phone keeps going right to voicemail.