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Bill O’Reilly’s Walk of Shame: 4 of O’Reilly’s Greatest Hits

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Bill O’Reilly is FOX News’ answer to a question asked by an angry racist who’s choking on a mouthful of chitlins and made up facts.  He’s popular because he talks fast, yells loud and doesn’t let people disagree with him, then enjoys a moment of self satisfaction as he takes this as proof that his point of view is correct.  He’s an asshole and there isn’t even any bias in that statement.  He just is.

This week, Gawker dropped a story claiming that O’Reilly has been using his local police force to do some dirty work for him in investigating a fellow officer who may have been sleeping with O’Reilly’s wife.  It’s an interesting read but it also brings to mind the fact that Bill O’Reilly is not a good man.  Never has been.  He’s clearly a control freak who hates being wrong and hates differing viewpoints.  But how much of a scumbag fool is he, really?  Let’s look at some of his past hits!

Sexual Harassment Suit


O’Reilly’s biggest moment to shine in shame was his sexual harassment lawsuit that went on for a few years before ending in an out of court settlement that saw total silence as one of the conditions of settlement.  That’s legal talk for “Bill O’Reilly was very guilty and paid this woman to shut up.”

A prominent figure accused of sexual harassment isn’t anything particularly new, but O’Reilly’s sexual harassment was the kind of epically awkward and ridiculous shit that comedians dream of and victims apparently record.  Highlights?  Yes, we got ‘em.

“I’d take the other hand with the falafel thing and I’d put it on you [censored].”  Why is Bill rubbing a lady on her lady bits with a falafel?  Because he forgot the word for loofa.  Isn’t that sexy?  Isn’t it?

In legal filings, O’Reilly is said to have had his mind blown by a “girl” at a Thai sex show.

Bill admitted to owning a vibrator shaped like a little wang.  Ha ha… I’m sorry, I have nothing else to say about that.

O’Reilly was filing a counterclaim until word of recordings came out.  Then his lawyer said he wasn’t afraid of anything in the recordings and promptly agreed to pay the plaintiff millions.  Millions of dollars just to prove how innocent he was.  God willing she bought a falafel.

Inside Edition Freakout

Before O’Reilly discovered that FOX News was a horrible, jaded fraud-engine that would pander to his own brand of unique assholery, he was a legitimate journalist.  Just kidding!  He was on Inside Edition, which is to news what the Kardashians are to talent.

On one particularly mundane episode of the show, now infamous thanks to the internet, Billy ran afoul of the term “play us out” which to most of us means something is going to play as the show ends but to Bill was some kind of Sanskrit Voodoo gibberish about his mother.  As you can see in the clip he loses his mind, drops some F-bombs and, judging from the final scenes as he takes off his jacket and mic, he may have run to a warehouse and done that angry Kevin Bacon dance from Footloose.

 

God Causes Tides

Philosophers have debated the existence of God and the Divine since before Christianity.  There are 101 arguments for God’s existence from the ontological argument of St. Anselm, Descartes and Leibniz to our intern’s argument that God must exist because of magnets.  We think he stole that one but whatever.  But no argument stands so high (with the exception of that magnet one) in the ranks of proofs for a Creator as Bill O’Reilly’s theory on the tides.  Not familiar?  Let’s break it down for you;

Tides come in.  Tides go out.  You can’t explain that.

Before you go all sciencey and mention the moon, you need to know that you should shut your saucy mouth.  What part of “you can’t explain that” don’t you understand?  Besides as O’Reilly later explained in another video, so what if the moon does it.  How’d the moon get there?  You can’t explain that.

As a handy guide for O’Reilly fans (or Juggalos) we have compiled this list of other things that serve as proofs for God’s existence.  Yes, it was once a meme but whatever.

  • Milk.  It’s white and you can drink it but it comes out of cows.  You can’t explain that.
  • Pie.  You put crust and fruit in a pan, bake it and pie comes out.  You can’t explain that.
  • Wind.  No one’s next to you blowing on your face.  You can’t explain that.
  • TLC.  The Learning Channel but it makes you stupider.  You can’t explain that.
  • Jesus.  He rode a fish on a mountain full of lepers.  You can’t explain that.
  • Ice is water that is hard.  You can’t explain that.
  • 80’s music.  It’s 2011 but you can still listen to it.  You can’t explain that.
  • Sexual harassment.  You tell one girl you want to do her with a falafel and it costs you millions of dollars.  You can’t explain that.

 

The Blue Collar

One of O’Reilly’s big selling points (to idjits) is that he’s just like them.  He’s a blue collar guy.  He comes from working class roots just like your coal miner daddy and your waitress momma.  He ate ketchup sandwiches like your poor, wretched children do.  He walked sometimes instead of being carried around by strong-backed minorities.  He’s on your side, screw those rich Liberals in their solar-powered cars trying to give all your hard-earned money away.

O’Reilly claims that, during George Bush’s inauguration dinner, people got up to leave when he sat down at a table.  Because he’s po’ white trash, you see.  Not upper crust snobs like them.  Of course, O’Reilly gets paid millions per year, has best-selling books and a top-rated cable news show but nevermind that.  He’s downtrodden.

He often tells stories of growing up with his poor dad only making $35,000 a year.  Gads!  Of course the average income of an American family in the 60s was around $7000.  O’Reilly didn’t like it when LA Times editor Michael Kinsley exposed his more upper middle class background a few years back, because it kind of ruined his image as a righteous asshole rather than a privileged one.

Ah, Bill.  You suck.

 

 

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