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Billboard’s Top 10 Singles: A Holy Taco Rundown

Billboard is your number one source for finding out what flavor of musical pablum people are choking down, aside from the Grammy’s. Rather than try to devise our own list of generic radio-friendly beats, we let Billboard do the work for us so we could mix up a delicious Holy Taco rundown and break down these musical mishaps for you.

#10 – Just a Dream

Is anyone else weirded out that this video opens just like 3 Creed songs? Luckily, at 20 seconds, instead of Scott Stapp wailing like a moose in a highway crash, Nelly starts his signature grunting. This is Nelly’s homage to tang – you need that soulful black and white video where you look introspective and romantic sometimes to convince that small percentage of groupies who seem reluctant to give you mouth love that really, it’s OK to give you mouth love. Because you’re sensitive.

#9 – Just the Way You Are

This guy spelled his name with friggin’ audio tape, and then made a drum out of it, imagine what he could do with an Etch-a-Sketch. Manly types and non-bather Andrew WK fans would mock this guy furiously for singing shmalzty R&B riffs but you know what? This guy probably gets more ass than a proctologist and arguably of better quality as well. You may not know this but, historically, that’s all R&B was for; ass getting. It was invented in the 50’s so dudes who weren’t getting enough ass could experience an ass deluge. You could look like a goddamn CHUD but if you sang this song, the way this guy does, you’d have vagina clinging to you like face huggers form the movie Alien before the second verse.

#8 – Black and Yellow

This is not a song about bees. It is about the awesome contrast between what your parents know as “bling” and a dude eating bacon and eggs off of Styrofoam plates. Can you even recall the last time you saw a hip hop video featuring Styrofoam plate breakfast? It was 1991’s Styrofoam Porkin’ You by 2 Live Crew. Good song.

#7 – The Time (Dirty Bit)

If you know Holy Taco you know how much we love BEP. They’re the musical equivalent of a rash around your o-ring. But we are man enough to concede that the bastards can string the worst rhymes since Dr. Suess got smashed on peyote and drain cleaner into some catchy, albeit IQ point destroying, songs. That’s arguably an enviable talent, so good for them. All of them except Fergie, anyway, she’s dead weight.

That said, this song that defiles the memory of Patrick Swayze is notable for a couple of things – pixilated vomit scene in the club, and the gaping maw of Apl.de.ap. How come we never noticed he has a mouth like Fizzgig before?

#6 – Tonight (I’m Lovin’ You)

Is it just me or does Enrique sound like he’s having a seizure when this song begins? And then he looks all sweaty and slightly dirty like maybe he needs a vaccine of some kind. No wonder the ladies like him.

Now that I’m on the subject, does Enrique Iglesias make any videos in which he doesn’t come across as vaguely menacing? He looks like his plan is to get this woman, and then take her to a cabin in the woods. Also, and this is unrelated, but at 0:58, is that an ass hanging from the ceiling in the background? And then he bangs her in the toilet? Awesome.

#5 – Raise Your Glass

Just to be clear, Pink murders a matador at the beginning of this video, after disguising herself as Rosie the Riveter. And then two dudes kiss. And there’s a girl with a corn dog. And Pink is a gangsta on a bicycle. And to make a long story short this video is what happens if you and Pink both go into that teleportation device from the Fly with some Quaaludes.

#4 – What’s My Name

The thing I like about this video is that, if I saw a girl in a store dressed like Rihanna, I’d assume she was off her meds. And she just wants some damn milk but this Drake character is looking to pick up some Pringles and a sexual assault charge. Music videos insist every situation is pretty OK for banging someone. I wish I lived in a music video.

#3 – We R Who We R

Have you ever bought a taco kit and cooked up the ground beef and noticed that reddish orange sludge grease that it seems to bathe in once you simmer it? And even if you use a slotted spoon to drain it off, once you put it on the tortilla and fold it, you’ll inevitably end up with a dick trickle of neon orange grease down your chin after you bite into it? Doesn’t Ke$ha look like she naturally forms that stuff?

Can I make fun of the line “we’re dancing’ like we’re dumb” or is that what Ke$ha wants? Maybe it doesn’t matter – what does matter is that they’re using plentyoffish.com at some manner of underpass rave. To pick up guys who don’t have credit cards with which they can use to subscribe to a reasonable dating site. Yes.

#2 – Grenade

It’s Bruno Mars again and he was kissing a girl whose eyes were open – damn. DAMN YOU, EYES OPEN GIRL! WHY WERE THEY OPEN?!? AND WHY ARE YOU MAKING HIM DRAG THAT PIANO?!?

#1 – Firework

Katy Perry made a cancer kid video? So this is her Unpretty by TLC? Beautiful by Christina Aguilera? Ugly by Sugarbabes? Stupid Girls by Pink? Crazy by Simple Plan? Yeah. It is. And you know what, she doesn’t show her boobs in this. They set off a pyrotechnic display, sure, but they’re pretty much covered up and that’s lame ass, Katy Perry. Way to let me down.

10 Responses to "Billboard’s Top 10 Singles: A Holy Taco Rundown"

  1. RGAR says:

    I laughed out loud at the Kesha description.

    I’d still bang her Holy Taco though.

  2. DonkeyXote says:

    Meh! Making fun of those peeps it’s like making fun of the handicapped.