What the hell is going on with awesome people dying lately?! On Thursday, we lost the King of Pop. Yesterday, we lost the King of Pitch, Billy Mays. Billy was a larger-than-life character, and he left us too soon, so we decided to honor him the best way we know how: by coming up with 6 Ridiculous Products that Only Billy Mays Could Have Sold:
The Flush Saver
What It Does: It saves you precious water, by easily masking up to four bowls worth of human waste before you even have to flush once!
Billy’s Pitch: "Hey, folks! Are you tired of flushing the toilet every single time you use it? Wish you could keep it to two or three flushes a week? Well, now you can! Billy Mays here for the environmentally friendly Flush Saver! The Flush Saver is a scented masking device that you can use to hide your shame! It’s designed to look like the inside of your toilet, and it easily allows you to stack a week’s worth of human waste before flushing even once! It’s great for the home, the office, and the environment! The durable, biodegradable material is guaranteed to never tear, leak, or let any know that you’re hoarding a month’s worth of crap in your toilet! Comes in three different signature masking scents: Ocean Breeze, Overwhelming Citrus, and Pine! Everyone loves the smell of Pine! Order your box of Flush Savers today!"
What It Does: It’s a special paint that’s designed to eliminate the effects of pesky windows!
Billy’s Pitch: "Hey, folks, Billy Mays here with a great new product: Window-B-Gone! If you’re like me, it seems like your always annoyed by windows, and they’re everywhere! Windows here, windows there! Windows in the living room, windows in the bedroom, windows in the kitchen! Enough is enough! Now, with Window-B-Gone, you decide where there’s a window and where there’s not! The best part about it is that it’s easy to use! If you’ve ever covered up a window with normal paint, then you already know how to use this product! It comes in 5 great colors to compliment any room! Take charge of your life by taking charge of your windows, with Window-B-Gone!"
Super Space Jerk-Off Juice
What It Does: It’s a Space-Aged lubricant that you can use to jerk off with.
Billy’s Pitch: "Hi, folks, Billy Mays here for Super Space Jerk Off Juice! Everybody admires astronauts, because they get to jerk off in zero-gravity, using the most slippery industrial machine lubricants known to man! Well, I can’t get rid of the gravity, but now you can get the most incredible space-aged lubricant to jerk off with in the privacy of your own home: Super Space Jerk Off Juice! It’s developed by NASA, and it’s 3,000 times more slippery than the grease that’s used in most machinery on Earth! You’ll be able to go for hours, and best of all: it comes off easily with soap and water! Don’t waste precious time and lotion trying to jerk off with earthly products! Get my Super Space Jerk Off Juice and beat it like the astronauts do!"
The Spray-On Beard
What It Does: It’s a spray-on beard, so it sprays on, and it looks like a beard!
Billy’s Pitch: "Hey, folks, Billy Mays here with the Spray-On Beard! Have you ever wanted to have a beard but just didn’t want to put in the time and effort to grow and maintain it?! Are you trying to hide from the government?! Just need an unbeatable halloween costume?! Then my Spray-On Beard is just what the doctor ordered! Literally: a doctor ordered some from me yesterday! It’s non-toxic, so it’s safe for kids, pets, the elderly, you name it! Anything that you think needs a beard, now you’ve got it!"
The Public Masturbation Concealment Kit
What It Does: It’s a shirt with fake arms, allowing you to use your real arms to masturbate in public, undetected!
Billy’s Pitch: "Billy Mays here for the Public Masturbation Concealment Kit! Designed with you in mind, the Public Masturbation Concealment Kit is a one-size-fits-all blue shirt shield with two ‘thumbs up’ decoy arms! It easily fits over anyone’s shoulders! Make waiting to masturbate until you get home a thing of the past! Masturbate at the zoo, in church, or even at work! The Public Masturbation Concealment Kit is roomy enough inside to allow yo to masturbate wildly and vigorously, all while giving two encouraging thumbs up! No one will be the wiser! Great for teachers, motivational speakers, or anyone who wants to look encouraging while simultaneously pleasuring themselves in public!"
The Ultimate Weapon
What It Does: The Ultimate Weapon is the ultimate weapon.
Billy’s Pitch: "Hey, folks, Billy Mays here with a revolutionary new product: The Ultimate Weapon! It’s a riot shotgun, a sword, a taser, a chainsaw, a sledgehammer, and 5 sticks of dynamite all in one! Tell me one thing you won’t be able to kill with this! Y’know what? You can’t, because there’s nothing that can’t be killed with the ultimate weapon! Grizzly bears, tigers, dinosaurs, gypsies, aliens, you name it! The Ultimate Weapon gives you a wide range of options for dealing with any adversary! Don’t be afraid to fall asleep at night! With the Ultimate Weapon by your side, there’s no need to fear anything but yourself! Order today and I’ll throw in 5 replacement sticks of dynamite, absolutely free!"