BoarTaint.com Is A Real Website About A Real Problem

April 3rd, 2009 | 05:21 am

When I first saw a link to Boartaint.com, my first thought was, "Holy shit. Now that's a fetish. My mind raced with the possibilities of what some sick, twisted perverts were going to do with, or to, the piece of skin between a pig's balls and a-hole. But I was sad to find out that "boar taint" is actually an industry term about the "unpleasant odor or taste that many consumers would notice if they cooked or ate pork from male pigs that had reached puberty. It has been compared to the smell of urine, feces and sweat."

Boooooring. But this did give me an idea for a sitcom called "Taint Is Enough" where a Boar Taint Executive, who's well-meaning but a little oblivious, lives with his sassy wife and precocious children in a small suburban setting. Here's a sample:

Taint Is Enough: Episode 1, Scene 1

Dad (sits down at dinner table): Hooo, boy. I had a real tough day at the office today. I came across a LOT of boar taint.

Teenage Son: You...(giggling) came across some boar taint at the orifice, Dad?

[Cue Laughtrack]

Dad: Yeah, it seemed like everywhere I turned, bam, there was some boar taint in my face.

Teenage Daughter: What can you do when you're face-to-face with some taint, Dad?

[Laughtrack]

Dad: Well, I looked that taint square in the eye and I said, "Taint, I'm coming after you. I am going to give you everything I got."

Mom: I just wish you'd learn to love the taint, honey.

Dad: Love the taint? How can I love the taint? I work for Boartaint.com. Destroying taint has been my life's work.

Mom: Oh, we're talking about boar taint again? Nevermind.

(Laughtrack, followed by applause. Cut to commercial.)