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Brainstorming Wacky Oreo Flavors is Harder Then You Think

OK Biff, think! The boss wants weird, wild, and just plain wacky Oreo creme filling flavor ideas, and he wants them now! This is what you were hired for so make the magic happen, as you’ve done countless times before.

But I swear, all the good ones have been done. Strawberry cream, banana split, orange ice cream, blueberry ice cream, watermelon, birthday cake — shit, we even did organic, because those who eat healthy, choose Oreo.

I know I’m good at what I do. My latest creation, the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Oreo? That’s just plain seductive. If cookie designers had groupies, I’d be swimming in them right now.

Took me a whole weekend to dream this baby up.

But you know those corporate types: never happy, and you’re lucky to get even a single pat on the back once a year from them. You give them pure quality, they just want you to do it again and again and again. I’m only one crazy flavor designer guy, for crying out loud!

But my next batch of ideas better be goddamn delicious. Peanut butter cup aside, I’ve been slipping lately. I can’t afford to make another mistake like that time I pitched Oreos that taste like green goddamn tea. What in the blue fuck was I snorting? How many people crave chocolate creme cookies and then think “fuck milk, these things need a good liquid leaf bath”? Not enough to spare me from 40 lashings with the Whipping Cane, apparently.

Why Nabisco didn’t mention this on the first day of training is beyond me.

It’s time like this I get pissed at my friends who think my job is easy. “You just sit there and think of flavors” they say. It’s so much more than that! I have to think of potential sales and markets and look at charts and if I have a bad idea they force-feed me a dozen boxes of it so I learn my lesson. I haven’t pitched Rotten Egg Oreos since, so I guess their approach works, but it’s still a damn difficult process.

It almost makes me wish I went to medical school instead. You don’t see heart surgeons under pressure to come up with ten new ways to operate per day, do you? No! They memorize a book or two and then they just slice chests all day according to pre-written instructions. A monkey could do that!

Or a robot.

OK, enough kvetching: time to get to work. They want new ideas, ones that will appeal to the average person. Well, what does the average person like? Hmm … hey, Justin Bieber’s still popular, despite displaying what amounts to narcissistic psychopathy almost every single day. Maybe Bieber-flavored Oreos would work! I just need a vial of his sweat and we can concoct a creme fermented with the musk. It’ll sell millions!

Limited-edition followup: Justin Bieber Mop Bucket Piss Oreos.

I need some food ideas too. Do people still believe that witch doctor bullshit about superfruits and how they’ll save your life better than regular old boring fruit? If so, then a line of those would probably sell out in seconds. Pomegranate Oreo, Dragonfruit Oreo, Noni Oreo, Mangosteen Oreo, Asai Berry Oreo, Some Berry We Literally Just Made Up Oreo — as long as we call it super, and maybe mention the Fountain of Youth on the front, stores won’t be able to keep it on the shelves!

Some blog said one time that these things might have antioxidants in them. How much more scientific can you get?

Wait, I got it: dead animal Oreos! If you eat its flesh for dinner, then you can eat it as a creme, right? Turkey, hamburger, steak, pork, lobster — man, I’m drooling just thinking about it! And it won’t just be flavored like the meat, it’ll BE the meat. We can take little chunks of the animal, mix it in with the creme, and sell it as a meal on the go. That’ll attract the overworked business person demographic: the ones too busy with five meetings a day to sit down and actually eat. Just pop a half-dozen Steak Oreos in your mouth and you’re good to go for the rest of the day.

Or until dessert.

OK, that’s good for one day I think. Time to send these to the Boss and see what he thinks. While I’m at it, I should really get some feedback on those Porn Star Oreos I pitched last week. Talk about a great way to market our product to adults. Plus, we wouldn’t even need to change the color of the creme.

And in a couple years, we could recycle the recipe and market them as Tuna Oreos.

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