Breaking Bad is the heartwarming tale of Malcolm in the Middle’s dad getting cancer and using his knowledge of chemistry to produce and then sell meth. It’s the inevitable fate of all chemistry teachers. And lest you think that’s an overstatement, you need to be aware that nearly all teachers are criminals. Probably. We tried to get a math teacher to figure the numbers for us but he just stole our calculator and sold it for weed. Anyway, point is, Walter White isn’t the only teacher out there resorting to shady dealings in his spare time. And hey, when you’re done this, check out more of our Action Unleashed stuff.
Borrowing a page from AMC’s playbook, Mohammad Sarwar from the UK opted to play both teacher and massive drug pusher to make ends meet and maybe buy the odd yacht.
Sarwar was an IT teacher and, as such, probably hated his life. To compensate for this he was also a purveyor of cocaine. And not your street corner cocaine dealer (assuming you live in a bad neighborhood), he was a wholesaler who supplied all the local dealers and ran his own properly British criminal gang. He even had a cool gang name – The Teacher. Admit it, in this context, that actually sounds kind of badass.
Unfortunately for the Teacher, police had been on to him for a while, since an IT teacher who regularly associates with gang members and known criminals seems a tad suspicious, even in England where everyone seems shady. When they finally caught up with Sarwar and canned him, he got 21 years. Taught him a lesson. Zing!
Any article with this theme has to have an entry about a teacher moonlighting as a prostitute because that’s the sort of people we are. But for a fun twist we’re pulling this one from New Zealand, where prostitution isn’t actually a crime, making it more of a difficult issue for people to get all pissy about.
In this case, the teacher was also a mother of two who decided that education was OK, but education and blowies was the key to the good life. And really, can any of us honestly argue against that? No. Don’t even try.
Once word got out, and take a moment to speculate on the hilarious way a parent discovered she was a hooker, the school board was set to meet to decide on what was to be done, given that prostitution was actually legal there so it’s not like she could be canned out of hand for it. They were basically deciding if they can fire someone for having what amounts to a second job at McDonald’s. Only, you know, with handjobs instead of McNuggets.
The final result? Who knows, our 5 minute Google search turned up the original story but no follow up. Damn our lazy hides. We like to think she’s still enriching young minds while deriching old ones.
Two Filipino teachers smuggling drugs into China? We’ll take it! In this lurid tale, our non-heroes figured smuggling 800 grams of heroin into China would be a walk in the park. Nigerian drug syndicates would pay them upwards of $3,000 for being drug mules, which almost sounds tempting if you’re not aware that a gram of heroin sells for about $300 on the street in the US, meaning they were carrying around $240,000 worth of horse.
As you might imagine, heroin is alongside bottled water and nail clippers on the list of stuff airport security doesn’t want to see in your luggage. When they found the teachers with their brown sugar, they declined their ticket and hooked them up with some sweet orange jumpsuits. With any luck they got sent to that awesome prison that makes Youtube dance videos, which would make it all worthwhile.
One time fourth grade teacher, Michael Innuarto decided that teaching kids was a sucker’s game and a better way to spend his time would be burglarizing houses and stealing cash, jewelry and guns. Because those are three of the four main batshit crazy food groups, the fourth being getaway cars.
When he went on the lam, as detectives in 50’s movies say, he had already stolen $1,000 diamond earrings, a .45 caliber plus two additional guns and $6,000 in cash. His lesson plan was clearly mayhem!
When cops caught up with him he was wanted or about 6 burglaries in total and told cops if they didn’t pull him out of the car then and there he was going to kill himself. So probably we can assume he taught social studies. Depressing subject, that.
Putting a Hit on a Student
OK, so strictly speaking this wasn’t a night job, but it’s such a wonderful story it had to be shared. And it kind of shames the others anyway. Randolph Forde, who taught at an Atlanta high school, really got fed up with a 16 year old student who he suspected was gay. For reasons glossed over in every story written about it, he then offered another student $50 to kill the potentially gay student. No hit was made and, after losing his job and waiting about a year to go through the legal system there wasn’t even an indictment because the grand jury felt there wasn’t enough evidence. Doesn’t mean he didn’t try to have the kid killed or anything, just means he may have gotten away with it. Well, nothing happened, but you get the idea.