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Bringham Young University’s Basketball Team Is Fueled By Sexual Frustration

Leave it to the Mormon’s to remove probably the biggest perk of being a college basketball player — the college girls. Brandon Davies was removed from BYU’s basketball team because he admitted to having sex with his girlfriend. Sounds reasonable, I guess. If you’re a Mormon.

Bringham Young is a prestigious Mormon university, and they have a strict code of conduct that all students, especially athletes must adhere to. No alcohol, no drugs, no premarital diddling, no caffeine and lots of church. I’m sure that helped Brandon Davies concentrate for a while, but eventually the deprivation of everything in life that’s f*cking awesome will get to you.

I myself am a man of many vices. At the very least, some trace amount of alcohol is present in my blood stream at all times. I couldn’t pass a piss test, I’m about to go smoke a cigarette as soon as I finish writing this, and I can’t remember last time I brushed my teeth, put my pajamas on and “went to bed”. It’s generally more of a fully-clothed collapse. (Sex wasn’t really in that list of vices, but if I had an easier time finding it, it would be.) I’m not a basketball player, so I don’t need to be in top physical condition, but the thought of abstaining from everything, just so I could play basketball is unfathomable. If I were forced to make a decision between playing basketball and having sex with a real live woman, even just once, I would without question choose the woman. Have you ever had sex with a woman? It’s probably the best thing ever. Way better than basketball.

Let’s assume Brandon Davies continued playing ball at the college level and did really well. If that were the case, he’d eventually end up playing in the NBA. Not exactly a league of proper gentlemen. If you think college girls are hard to avoid, imagine trying to fend of Laker girls and hordes of jersey chasers and gold diggers that are probably just standing in line to steal your seed.

The whole abstaining from life thing is obviously due to the fact that BYU is a Mormon school. They make the rules, and their rules are really weird. A portion of hardcore mormons practice polygamy. Makes complete sense, if you’re following the “no sex before marriage rule”. How do you get to have sex with all the women you want to have sex with? You just marry them, then you can sleep with them and still get into one of three Mormon heavens. Oh sure, you have to stay married to all of them, but I’m bet they’d all be pretty conservative and rather subservient, which means you’ll never have to do a lick of laundry!

BYU is currently in third place on the AP poll, which means whatever they’re doing is sort of working. I know if I were forced to play basketball and not have sex, I’d get really good at basketball. Every shot I took would be a metaphor for the act itself. And I’d play my Joseph Smith loving heart out if I thought it would get me closer to the dark side. What I’m saying is, Brandon Davies, you’re going to be fine. I’ve played basketball and I’ve had sex. Sex is better.

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