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Cabbage Patch Kids: Forever Creepy

Now that the worst Oscars ever are over, and all the world’s problems are solved, we can go back to focusing on nostalgia! Let’s talk about Cabbage Patch Kids. Remember those? Remember how weird-looking they were? Do you even know where they came from? They came from a cabbage patch, in a mythical land where humans have cylindrical limbs and round melon heads. Their mythology, according to Wikipedia, they were all horded and harvested in a hidden cabbage patch to protect them from enslaved in a gold mine (not kidding).

They haunt your dreams like expressionless gargoyles. They’re also a kid’s toy!

Nothing weird going on here — just a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome growing out of a head of cabbage.

Congratulations, Barack Obama, on being the first African-American president in history, and also the creepiest Cabbage Patch Kid ever.

If they can grow out of the dirt in a cabbage patch, there’s no reason they couldn’t grow out of the damp, fertile innards of your ears. THIS IS TERRIFYING.

Cabbage Patch Cankles. Not very flattering, Mrs. Palin. Should’ve licensed your likeness to the Barbie people.

Is that the dead guy who used to sell Oxi-Clean wearing a cowboy hat? Nope. Not even close. It’s Xavier Roberts, the creator of Cabbage Patch Kids. That’s who signs their ass.

There’s his signature! Right on the tiny baby butt of every doll. Grown in a cabbage patch by a guy who looks like Billy Mays, inked, named and shipped to your local toy store!

No nipples, no genitals. Just loose nylon skin and phallic limbs.

Nailed the likeness. Finally.

WELCOME TO HELL!

 

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