You’ve probably joked a time or two about robbing a little girl’s lemonade stand. Why? Because that’s just a funny idea. Stealing away the few dollars a defenseless little girl has earned by selling her very own batch of a sweet and tart beverage is such a pathetic idea that we can’t help but smirk at the very idea of it. It’s the kind of think you’d expect a couple of a dumb thugs from a Home Alone movie to do.
You know what’s not so funny? When some assholes actually do it.
Worse yet, it’s even less funny when some assholes rob a girl’s lemonade stand that she started so she could help pay for her 2-year-old cousin’s medical bills. By the way, the cousin in question has had multiple surgeries that attempted to fix an intestinal disorder, and, well, let me really highlight this next part for extra emotional impact…
HE WAS BORN WITH PART OF HIS BRAIN MISSING!
And two people, specifically, Gage Turner, 20, and Amber Umbarger, 21, jacked all of the girl’s money.
Okay, so maybe it’s kind of funny.
Chelsea Edwards, 13, was selling lemonade with two friends when Gage and Amber approached her stand. Gage asked how much the lemonade was, and then stole the jar of cash Chelsea had collected. The jar was filled with approximately $130, which begs the question: did Chelsea drum-up a lot of business, or is she a price gouging lemonade tyrant? Let’s say she charged $1 for a cup of her lemonade, which I think sounds fair. Anything else above that is insane for a lemonade stand. That means she sold 130 glasses of lemonade. But that can’t be right. So let’s assume she’s a price gouging lemonade tyrant. As a price gouging lemonade tyrant she probably sold her lemonade for $7. At seven-bucks a pop, she only had to sell roughly 19 cups to break the $130 barrier. That’s a far more reasonable figure for a lemonade stand run by 13-year-old girls.
But then again, maybe she was flashing some thigh to passing cars? We all know sex sells. Hell, the only reason I have a T-Mobile phone is because I think owning one will bring me one-step closer to banging Catherine Zeta-Jones. So, let’s factor in the sexually charged marketing campaign run by Chelsea that there’s absolutely no proof of because I just made that shit up. But let’s say that’s totally what she did. If we assume that, then the $130 becomes even more reasonable, as horny males all over town would come to get some of Chelsea’s lemonade – lemonade, in this case, is probably a euphemism for sex. So she’d mark up the price considerably to, say, $13, thus bringing the final number of cups sold to 10. Even then that’s far more cups sold than any lemonade stand I’ve ever heard of, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’s just that sexy.
Regardless, it still doesn’t change the fact that she was robbed by two assholes. And Gage was the bigger asshole in this equation, because as soon as he nabbed the jar of cash, he hopped in his car and sped off, leaving Amber to fend for herself. Nice, Gage. Nice. You stole money from a 13-year-old girl that was raising money to help pay the medical bills of her infirm cousin, and then you leave your female accomplice behind.
You, sir, are an asshole of the highest order. May someone set you up to make it look like you murdered your inmate at the state penitentiary, which is the place that I’m 100% certain they put people that steal lemonade stand money.