This weekend new photos surfaced of Tom Hardy in full-on Bane gear from the Dark Knight Rises. With Anne Hathaway playing Catwoman and inspired choices from previous films including Cillian Murphy’s Scarecrow and Heather Ledger’s Joker, Christopher Nolan has taken superhero movies to their highest heights. But just because his time with the franchise ends here doesn’t mean Batman can’t continue a glorious reign of awesome.
Do you remember Blossom? Did you ever think that Blossom could totally be the Penguin? Because we think Blossom could totally be the Penguin. Seriously. All she needs to go is get a little more hippy, fill out a tux a bit better, pop on a top hat and Bob’s your uncle.
Tom Kite is a professional golfer who looks exactly the same as a baby alligator. You know those pictures when you see a lizard and it seems like it’s really happy and smiling? And you think “Oh, cute” but then you think “wait, that’s a cold-blooded predator, that thing doesn’t smile. That thing would eat me.” Tom Kite looks like that. Only he probably couldn’t eat you.
If you see just one movie this year featuring a villain whose skin seems to be oozing from his body, make it the one in which Rupert Murdoch is playing Batman villain Clayface. Murdoch is clearly custom made for this role in a creepy, method-acting sort of way, insofar as he’s taken it upon himself to actually structure his body out of what appears to be an oozy, malleable substance and, of course, he’s the closest thing the world has to a supervillain these days now that Osama bin Laden is dead.
You might think Matthew Lesko is the way to go with this novelty casting choice, but that’s silly ass – he’s an asshole in commercials who wears a question mark suit. To really get to the heart of the Riddler, you need someone who’s both insane and confusing. Ideally Joaquin Phoenix is your man here, as he’s extremely questionable at the best of times.
I was all set to write a big piece here justifying why Cedric the Entertainer could have pulled off a wicked Harley Quinn and then I found out that there’s a porn star named Harley Quinn and that seemed kind of poetic. And then I found out she was born a dude and that seemed like something that should be in a Holy Taco article, which makes this entry pretty much complete.
Arnold Schwarzenegger pretty much ruined this character, especially since he was never very good to begin with. His last name is Fries and he changed it to Freeze because of irony or some such. And then he uses freeze rays, which is the most ridiculous weapon since the gun that shoots you with a boxing glove on a spring. But if he was going to be made cool and put in a new movie in which he does not make ice-related puns, probably a good choice would be Bruce Willis. On account of he looks half like Mr. Freeze on the poster for 12 Monkeys anyway.
Uma Thurman is responsible for the abominable Poison Ivy in the previous run of craptastic Bat films but the choice was all wrong for any number of reasons. The way to go with Poison Ivy is Paris Hilton. Now you may be thinking “Hey Holy Taco editors, Paris Hilton is the human version of an unflushable port-a-potty stewing in the midday sun during a heat wave that is frequented by hobos who sustain themselves on the expired refuse from a dumpster behind a chili restaurant.” And while that may very well be true, you must also remember that rumors have been circulating for years that Paris has the herpes, and who better to play a chick named after a plant that gives you a terrible rash than a chick whose hooch will give you a terrible rash?