Everyone is pretty excited for the new Star Wars trilogy, just look in the mirror. Aren’t you excited? No need to answer, I already asserted that everyone was and that includes you. Until the movies actually get filmed, most of the excitement is now focused around casting. Initially people were pretty stoked to hear that some of the original cast was coming back, despite all being old and decrepit but, as JJ Abrams showed with Star Trek, he likes bringing back old, decrepit characters. However, the whole cast won’t be old and decrepit and, with that in mind, here’s my swing at casting the new Star Wars. Saddle up, kids.
Danny DeVito as Orlo Shaka’lak
From the darkest corners of the known universe on a planet bathed in eternal night comes the morally ambiguous Shaka Master Orlo. In the years after the fall of the Jedi, the Force lived on and empowered others, including Orlo, who become the strongest of a new generation of Jedi who treads the road between the Light and Dark Sides. As a squat, hairy man-ape, Orlo is unassuming and kind of gross. But wielding a Gunt Saber and an otherworldly kind of sexual queasiness, he is a formidable and unpredictable force.
John Goodman as Chunga Porkins
Legendary pilot out of Coruscant, Chunga Porkins is responsible for wiping out the entire race known as the Gungans from the planet Naboo and for doing the Kessel Run in under 11 space miles. It doesn’t need to make sense, that’s how fast it was.
Kim Cattrall as Sheeva Bonerattle
Priestess of a mysterious new religion, Sheeva Bonerattle is working to recreate the Sith order and keep it in her boney, boney, boney grasp.
Iron Sheik as Light Saber Sheik
A sentient war droid tasked with holding and keeping the vast knowledge of the Jedi order, the Sheik may only share what he knows with the most enlightened and powerful Jedi across the galaxy.
Lorenzo Lamas as Lamazo Lores
Cloaked in the armor of a Mandalorian and collecting only the most challenging of bounties, the hunter called Lamazo Lores has an unknown link to the long since vanished Boba Fett. But who he is and what their connection is remains cloaked in mystery. Only one thing is sure – Lores is more brutal, more cunning and has much better hair.
Al Sharpton as Ubuntu Calrisian
Son of the renowned space pirate and swindler Lando Calrisian, Ubuntu Calrisian has risen to heights his father never dreamed, running a chain of pleasure planets consisting of bars, casinos, brothels and resorts on the outer regions of the galaxy where laws only apply to those who can’t afford to stay out of trouble.
Rutger Hauer as Hobo with a Space Shotgun
Ron Perlman as K7-6K
Multi-purpose droid meant to serve as a companion and tool for anyone from farmers to politicians to smugglers, the K7 unit was exceptionally hard to come by due to their high demand and exceptional utility. The K7-6K unit features additional personality subroutines that ensure it is self reliant and cracks sexually inappropriate jokes all the time.
Gina Gershon as Darth Jigz
The most powerful of the new Sith Lords, Darth Jigz wields the blacklight saber and some wicked cleavage.