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Magic’s “Rude” is the Entitled Douchebag Anthem Robin Thicke Forgot to Write

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On the surface, Magic’s “Rude” is about guy who wants to marry a girl. At its heart though, lies pure selfishness. The guys asks his girlfriend’s father for permission to marry his daughter. Dad says hell no, but because th...

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Three Movie Premises With Even Worse Pseudoscience than “Lucy”

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No matter how good Lucy’s story is, and no matter how soothing Morgan Freeman’s voice may be, it all falls apart because the basic premise (we only use 10% of our brains!) is total bullshit. The writers, producers, and director have to...

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Sometimes, Shock Humor Isn’t Funny Simply Because It Sucks

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One group that never gets attention because the “take a joke” brigade and the “apologize, scum!” faction won’t stop squabbling: the “that joke sucked” crowd. Sometimes, jokes just plain aren’t funny ...

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The Tour de France Just Started, and It’s as Pointless as Ever

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I’m genuinely confused as to why we’re even bothering with the Tour de France anymore. A whole bunch of druggies get on their Huffys and ride around France until people tell them they can stop. And that’s pretty much it. You can&...

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Solving the LeBron James Free Agency Issue: Make Him Play Alone

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LeBron’s best option is to launch the LeBron City LeBrons, hire some intern to be the mascot, and get to work. No way the King couldn’t handle 48 minutes a night, 90 points, and 65 rebounds, plus it would mean all the money and rings t...

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The EZ Baby Saver: The Stupidest Weapon Against Leaving Kids In Hot Cars Ever

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How “colorful rubber” is supposed to equal “oh shit, that babbling ur-human I sired is getting toasty” is beyond me, and nobody can offer a decent answer. This is probably because they’re too busy fawning over this su...

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Interviews with Workers Like Shane from Walmart (If They Were Actually Real)

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A series of bulletin board warnings from the exasperated manager of “Shane from Walmart” have gone viral, even though his wacky insubordination is hopelessly, transparently fake. How do we know? Here’s what would happen to irreve...

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A Parapalegic Losing Part of His Penis is the Most Comically Sad Story Ever

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Meet the latest case of a guy so sad you almost have no choice but to be glad you’re not him. He’s anonymous, and for good reason: he’s suing a Quebec hospital for botched surgery on his penis that resulted in over an inch being ...

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Twelve-Year-Old French Boy Fakes Kidnapping, Leads Police on One-Month Investigation to Avoid Dentist

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I’m sure his chain-smoking, yellow-toothed, menage a trois-having parents are proud.

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Today’s Must-See: Musicless Music Videos

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Did you know that when you remove the music from music videos, they become totally absurd and surreal? I mean, obviously you knew that, but here’s proof.

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