Articles - Page 7

6 Awards We’d Rather See

Awards season is just wrapping up after the debacle of the Grammys and the Oscars and everything else no one really wants to see because it’s boring and self indulgent and all we do is bitch every year on Twitter and Facebook and, I dunno, Instagr...

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The 6 Worst Chocolates Ever

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by Ian Fortey

Usually I try to stray from personal pieces in my writing, unless it’s an article about Fleshlights and I assume you’d all be interested in knowing what my wang is up to. But this one, I feel, is an important educational piece, a public service, ...

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21 and Over Caption Contest

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by Ian Fortey

Hey kids, do you like the parties and the booze and the funny movies, or at least one of those three things? Sure you do and if you said no, may I direct you to Better Homes and Gardens where nancies like you can learn how to knit a knitting bag....

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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb. 22nd

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by Ian Fortey

Last week, Bruce Willis fisted the competition into submission just as we all knew he would. You could film Bruce Willis trying different brands of spray-on hair for two hours, call it Die Hard and a Side of Flap Jacks and it’d still be number on...

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9 of the Most Depressing Fetishes Ever

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by Ian Fortey

Fetishes make the world go ‘round and everyone is into something. You prefer blondes, you prefer big boobs, you like honey mustard on your taint, whatever. Most fetishes (not all. Never all. But most) are perfectly OK. It’s a harmless quirk t...

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11 Terrible Jokes

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by Ian Fortey

Why does Peter Pan fly? You’d fly too if someone hit you in the peter with a pan.

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The 9 Worst Moves in all of Wrestling

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by Ian Fortey

Nothing about modern Western civilization is more confusing than professional wrestling. It makes no sense in layered, complex ways. Like a dog using a lawnmower makes no sense, but pro wrestling is so all over the board and confusing in so many...

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The 7 Best Fake Presidents of All Time

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by Ian Fortey

Washington? Lincoln? JFK? Pretenders to the throne . The best Presidents have always been fictional because reality lacks panache. These are the best Presidents film has to offer. Behold!

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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb 15th

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by Ian Fortey

I have no idea what he deal is this week since a bunch of movies open on Valentine’s Day which is the 14th and why the hell would you open a movie on a Thursday? Are they expecting a lot of movie dates that night and, if so, who the hell is havin...

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