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Articles - Page 9

“Thank You USA”: Our New National Anthem


“Thank You USA” is an adorably sincere love song written by Armend Miftari, a terrible Kosovan musician. He wishes to thank America for aiding his country back in the Clinton years, and does so in the cheesiest, most unintentionally hi...

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Three Easy Ways to Make Conan O’Brien the New Ratings King


Conan does as well as anybody on TBS can expect to, and has been rewarded with a new four-year contract. But he’s still lagging behind everybody else. If the President of Team Coco wants to make it to 2018 and beyond, he’s going to hav...

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The Six Hottest Teachers Who Got Arrested for Having Sex With Their Students


Aw yeah. The crazy ones always give the best homework.

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Katy Perry is the New Champion of Atrocious Lyric Changes


Katy Perry covered the classic 1892 love song “Daisy Bell,” and actually changed the lyrics. This wasn’t due to artistic inspiration or anything — she simply decided not to sing about being poor, because that’s sad an...

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10 WTF Moments From The 2014 NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs


In a world where basketball and football playoffs rule the universe (America), hockey is a game for warriors…where pucks in the face and silly goal celebrations are considered profound moments in history.

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If You Want to Make It On Wall Street, Never Invest in WWE


WWE stock dropped 43% overnight, a bigger crash than what triggered the Great Depression. They promised millions of WWE Network subscribers and a billion-dollar TV deal, and neither happened. Amazing what happens when a company that lies for a liv...

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If J.J. Abrams Screws Up ‘Star Wars,’ There Will Be Hell to Pay


Our childhood memories are at stake here, dude. Don’t eff around.

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Want a Free Tattoo? Then Sit Tight and Let the Bedbugs Bite


An etymologist allowed a thousand hungry, pissed-off bedbugs to chew on his arm, for science! He also created a sweet new method of tattooing that we’re shocked hasn’t caught on yet. If you want to try it out, all you need is a jar of ...

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Google Glass Is Terrible, And You’re an Awful Person for Using It


No one has ever heard of one reason that we really need Google Glass — only things that we *can* do with it. But why in the name of Judas’ Balls would I need to see myself banging my own wife?

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Great Failures From the Past: Billy Joel’s High-Pitched Debut Album


Billy Joel doesn’t like his debut album, Cold Spring Harbor. Not because it sucks, but because his idiot producer somehow sped up the record while mastering it, turning Joel and his band into a bunch of high-pitched, squeaking munchkins. And...

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