So, a cyclone hits Burma/Myanmar and kills upwards of 100,000 people and Kim Kardashian is like, “you know what would be really cool? To do a lighthearted PSA about it where I deliver scripted jokes about it then segue into me reciting scripted facts about it with my sisters.” Then she hired a couple writers from According to Jim and had them bang a script out for her. Kim Kardashian may be mentally retarded. And I’m not saying that as a joke, I’m saying seriously, she might be “wear a jacket and helmet with your name on it, have trouble eating peanut butter” mentally retarded. I’m going to go ahead and give just a few rules for making a PSA about any kind of disaster/tragedy that kills thousands of people. Here goes:
Don’t start the PSA with the same music that you’d use for a Disney style montage of someone getting ready for their senior prom.
Don’t start out with a joke where you confuse the name of the country where the disaster happened. “An earthquake rocked Uruguay and 100,000 people were buried alive in their homes.” “Did you just call me gay, haha?!” See, doesn’t work.
While reciting facts about government sponsored murders, avoid doing it in front of a mirror while trying on a dress and seeing if it’s adequately showing off your breasts.
Where you’ve seen her:Sophie Howard, seen here at the Nuts Awards in England, is known for something…but I can’t seem to quite remember what it is. Is it her eyes? Hmmm, I don’t think so. Man, it’s on the tip of my tongue. Umm, here smile? Noooooo. Oh, now I remember. Her ginormous breasts.
Pointless quote: “I went to a good Catholic school, and was in the Salvation Army until I was 16. I didn’t touch drink, drugs or boys – and then, at 17, I became a stripper!”
Katherine Heigl is on a mission to piss off and alienate everyone who is able to formulate words and thoughts. Earlier this year she complained about Knocked Up being sexist, even though it basically made her career, and now this:
Katherine Heigl has never been one to keep her thoughts to herself, and the latest is that she’s talking about leaving Grey’s Anatomy for good. Apparently Katherine is sick of the long hours on set.
Oh, she’s sick of the long hours on set. Oh, right, all those long hours acting. Yesterday I was at the public Library and I went to use the bathroom and a janitor was mopping up human shit off the floor while trying not to bother the homeless guy standing next to him who was half naked showering in the sink. Maybe I should have asked that Janitor how he felt about Katherine’s long hours.
Does Katherine Heigl not realize she’s a f-ingACTOR? I’ve been on film sets, they hire people solely to kiss your ass and bring you whatever your little head can dream up, while you sit in a chair and pretend to read something that makes you look smart. Realize you are lucky to have a good job, and quiet yourself. Also, I got news for her, once she leaves Grey’s Anatomy, no one is going to give two shits about her. You know how I know that? Because every time I hear someone reference her they say “that one chick from Grey’s Anatomy.”
Here’s her future: She’s going to leave the show, the movie offers are going to dry up, and she’s going to have to beg/fellate someone to give her a shitty TV show on some network where she plays a sexy cop who’s teamed up with a bear trained to fight crime. It’ll look something like this:
On second thought, I’d watch that show. Go for it Katherine.
So, once again, somebody talked a really hot chick into being topless under the guise of “it’s art.” This time it was Eva Mendes and the smooth talking editor was from Italian Vogue. Except this time, they went so arty, that to be honest, I’m not really that excited by these pictures. It looks kind of like the photos that my dad took of some ex-girlfriend he had in 1955 that I found in a shoe box labeled “Wrenches” underneath a bunch of crap in our shed. I guess the hotter and more famous the chick, the more artsy you have to tell them the photos will be, which means we’ll see Miley Cyrus naked only if she’s covered in the blood of dead nazis and the photos are being taken by Jesus Christ. Anyway, click the little pics below to get rid of Eli Manning’s face.
Kelly Osbourne is either doing an awesome impersonation of a wasted mummy…or she’s just totally wasted. And from what the Sun UK says, it looks like it’s the latter:
“…Kelly then needed a helping hand from her PA and a wall to find her way to a taxi. A club source said: “She was knocking back the Treasure Chest cocktails all night. No wonder Kerry was looking a little spaced out.” Treasure Chests are a potent combination of brandy and peach liqueur topped with a bottle of champagne.”
You know what they say: Like father like daughter who looks like her father.
Finally, some science I can get behind. According to Reuters.com:
CHICAGO (Reuters) - A type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually offer some protection against diabetes, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.
Kahn said he started the study to find out why fat located in different parts of the body seems to have different risks of metabolic disease such as diabetes.
Mice that got subcutaneous fat transplanted into their bellies started to slim down after several weeks.
“If we can capture those (substances), we might have an opportunity to convert them into drugs or use them as guides to help develop drugs,” he said.
Wow. I have seen the future and it is full of commercials for pharmaceuticals that will give the world slim waistlines and great big phat asses. It’s like we’ll all be living in one big hip-hop video…or Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. I can not wait. I wonder what they’re going to call these new drugs? Assiphlax? Derrivere? Viassgra? Whatever it’s going to be called, I think I finally have something to look forward to (besides Judge Judy reruns). Thank you, science.
Where you’ve seen her: Puerto Rico’s Roselyn Sanchez has been in Rush Hour 2, Chasing Papi (which I really hope was about David Ortiz), and now she’s in a show called Without A Trace…which may or may not still be on the air.
Pointless quote: “I came here when I was almost 22. I’m perfectly bilingual, but I’m never going to sound like Sandra Bullock.”
I’ve seen Shawshank Redemption probably 100 times. It’s a fantastic movie. But at right about my 80th viewing, at the very end when Andy and Red hug on the beach at Zihuatanejo, I for some reason really wanted a killer whale to suddenly beach itself and clamp its jaws around Andy, biting him in half, then retreat into the ocean with the top half of Andy. Then have Red hold the bottom half of Andy in his arms and look to the sky and vow to seek revenge on the Killer Whale. I tell you this because I want to make the point that no matter how amazing something is, sometimes you get bored with it and wish something would spice it up. Hollywood Rag reports:
Tom Brady wants girlfriend Gisele to dress up like Wonder Woman. “I want her to wear the Wonder Woman outfit,” said Brady.
You know, I bitch often on this site about dudes who pretty much bang as they please with whoever they want, but to be honest, I never want to get to the point where I’m so bored with vagina, that I need my super model girlfriend to dress up as something other than my super model girlfriend.
Plus, I’m pretty sure Brady is bullshitting. I’ve seen how he stares at Wes Welker on third and 10 even though Randy Moss is alone in the end zone waving. It’s clear what he wants Gisele to dress as.
In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s a list of mom’s we wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. Or a three-inch penis.
12. Angela Bower – Who’s The Boss Number of Kids: 1 (Jonathan) Why I Wouldn’t: Aside from the fact that she looks like a plastic skeleton in a pediatrician’s office, she’s so annoyingly neurotic that you’d be standing there holding a condom while she’d say: “Should we do this? What if Jonathan walks in? Jonathan’s been acting strange lately. I think he and Mona are up to something? Do you think they’re up to something? I do. I definitely do. We should spy on them?”
11. Florida Evans - Good Times Number of Kids: 3 (Jimmy, Thelma and Michael) Why I Wouldn’t: I’m not against a woman with a little meat on her bones, but there’s a lot of meat there. And it’s not just on her bones, it’s pretty much everywhere. Plus, I feel like even if I got it up for her, she’d sassily lecture me because I blamed Thelma for not taking the trash out when it was actually my turn. Then she’d coax me into apologizing to Thelma and by the time I was done with that, there’s no way I’d still have an erection. [Also, she looks like David Ortiz.]
10. Alice Hyatt - Alice Number of Kids: 1 (Tommy) Why I Wouldn’t: I’m pretty sure Jason Varitek uses her face to catch Jonathan Papelbon. She’s weathered and looks like she could possibly be from New Jersey, which means she’s riddled with STDs and garlic. No thank you. Continue reading…
After hearing about Uma Thurman’s recent stalker troubles, I asked myself a question: If I was a stalker, would I stalk Uma Thurman? The answer was a pretty resounding “no.” (Since I was playing the role of a stalker, I also was hearing voices.) Then I asked myself another question: Is Uma Thurman sexy? Sure, she’s totally cool and seems down to earth. But do you really want to stalk some girl who looks and acts like the tomboy on your company softball team? If I’m going to blow a jail sentence on a girl, she’d have to have something awesome like an enormous ass or an enormous chest or a tiny mouth…which I think means I should be stalking one of the Chicago White Sox blow-up dolls.
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