Somaya Reece

Age: 28

Where you’ve seen her: Somaya Reece, whose name means “beautiful child” has been in tons of ad campaigns, a few movies and a magazine called “Top Pair.” Which I’m sure isn’t a magazine about playing cards.

Pointless quote that makes me wish I had lower expectations of my dreams: “I really pride myself on spending one to four hours a day on my MySpace page. Nothing will stop me or get in my way of pursuing my dream.”

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Megan Fox Had Enough Brian Austin Green

You ever hear stories about alcoholics who one day wake up in a pile of their own shit and vomit and something just clicks in their head and they realize “what the hell am I doing?” Well, replace “shit and vomit” with “Brian Austin Green” and I think that’s basically what happened with Megan Fox.  Celebedge.com reports:

Megan Fox has sent letters to her business associates announcing she’s called off her engagement to Brian Austin Green. Hopefully she let him know too.

The 22-year-old decided “she’s too young to marry him,” according to a source referenced by Contact Music.

To this day I have no idea how Brian Austin Green landed Megan Fox.  I got the same feeling of confusion and disgust when I first looked at them together that I got when I was four and walked in on my parents having doggy style sex.  In both cases I cried for several minutes and needed a fruit roll up and a capri sun  to calm me down.

I think the big thing here is that Megan must not have understood how hot she was.  Hollywood is all about how you look.  Hence, if you take the hollywood actress scale of hotness and give megan fox a 9 or so, you can see, she should at least be giving George Clooney HJs.  Take a look:

Thanks to reader Dr. Strangepork for alerting me to this article.

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Dara Torres

Age: 41

Where you’ve seen her: Dara Torres, who has appeared in Maxim, has won four Olympic gold medals (nine total medals) for swimming faster than other women from other countries. She just qualified for the 2008 Olympics at the tender age of 41.

MILF status: Dara won the gold medal of pushing infants out of her genitals in the 2006 vagina Olympics when she gave birth to Tessa Grace.

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Selita Ebanks

Age: 25

Where you’ve seen her: Selita Ebanks is a Victoria’s Secret angle and she’s been in ads for Ambercrombie and Fitch and Tommy Hilfiger. But clearly, her most important role came on a guest appearance in How I Met Your Mother! (That’s a TV show, right?)

Hilarious sentence on her wikipedia page: “Selita promotes across the country for Victoria Secret, but was unfortunately booed at Gillette Stadium while at a New England Patriots vs. Philadelphia Eagles game in Foxboro for a Victoria’s Secret promotion.”

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Hey Everybody! Asses!

Long time fans of Holy Taco will know that we are big into tributes. In the past we’ve done a tribute to boobs and a tribute to thighs, so now we bring you a tribute to asses, everyone’s favorite female body part (except the ass, boob, thigh, and foot fetish guys). And if you feel like it, feel free to check out our History of Boobs In 60 Seconds.

See tons more after the jump! Continue reading…

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Caroline Trentini

Age: 20

Where have you seen her: Caroline Trentini is one of those supermodelly type models, so she’s been in Victoria’s Secret and a bunch of those arty ads for Christian Dior, Oscar de la Renta and Dolce and Gabbana that appear in magazines like Elle, Vogue and Highlights.

Pointless quote: “I never thought I could be a model. I’m simple. I don’t like to go out too much. I’m more family and friends.”

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Nicole Kidman Loves Her A Skin Flute

OK, so maybe she just likes flautists:

Nicole Kidman has created a music compilation for when she gives birth.

The tracks she has chosen include many by her husband, country singer Keith Urban, and Irish flautist Sir James Galway.

A source said: “Nicole has been putting together CDs of music to listen to during labour. She has always loved James Galway, particularly his classical albums.

So, the first thing that baby is going to hear (aside from the sound of it’s mom’s genitals ripping) is some crappy flute music and Keith Urban. Flute music? Really? Her selection of music may have a serious affect on this child for the rest of it’s life. These sounds will shape the way this little infant relates to music. So I went into the future to see how it all turned out. Looks like I was right:

Other crap to look at:
This guy played GTA so long, Guinness put him in their book (Bush League)
Courtney Love in a shopping cart (drunken stepfather)
How to turn a hot chick into a geek (doubleviking)
Derek Jeter will do anything for money (Best Week Ever)
13 Awesome Last Requests (Cracked)
Granny gets a surprise! (cameltap)
It’s dumbass vs. dumbass (hornyoyster)
What do you do? (tastybooze)

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Angel “Lola” Luv

Age: 21

Where you’ve seen her: Since her measurements come in at 34C-22-40 Angel “Lola” Luv (aka Angel Malaku) has not been on the cover of Vogue or Cosmo. But, she has been on the cover of King, BlackMen, XXL and Smooth magazines. If Sir Mix A Lot was still alive, he’d be very proud. (He’s dead, right?)

Pointless quote: “From now until a couple years, I’m aiming to be in a few major movie roles. After that basically I want to take this entertainment business and run with it.”

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Laetitia Casta

Age: 30

Where you’ve seen her: Laetitia Casta is a French supermodel who has been in a few SI Swimsuit issues, Rolling Stone magazine and modeled for a bunch of products you don’t care about.

MILF status: Back in 2006 her water broke and she gave birth to a son named Orlando. So if you have a broken water fetish, you’re probably pretty turned on right now.

Pointless quote: “When I began as a model, everybody tried to remold me: I was too fat, too little, they tried to re-shape my teeth - I am very proud that I have stayed as I was.”

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Paris Hilton Wants To Help The Children

Remember when Paris Hilton came out of jail and sobbed to Larry King, saying, “I want to create a center for women coming out of jail, and I want to work to educate people about drinking and driving, and i want to help sick kids.” Well, I think her publicist was like “Um, you should probably do at least one of those things.” Then Paris sighed and was like “Fiiiine. But after I help these kids, I should be able to start saying the N word again, deal?” Hollywood rag reports:

Hilton has made an “extremely generous” donation to the Los Angeles
Children’s Hospital.

Paris said in a statement: “The children I have met through my involvement
with Children’s Hospital have truly touched my heart. I am proud to make a
donation and lend my name to the fundraising effort to help children who are
facing terribly serious illnesses.”

I know you’re probably thinking, “at least she’s donating money.” Sure, I guess. But do you think she would have donated the money if they had told her “listen, you can donate, but no one will ever know.” No. I’m not even going to let you answer that. If I approached her and said “If you hunt and kill 100 homeless men and make a thousand coats to give to people who hunt baby seals, I can guarantee people will love you and you’ll be famous for ever,” she would have already grabbed a knife and a sewing machine before I finished that sentence.

I want to see Paris entertain the sick children. That takes a commitment. I know she’s a talented singer, maybe she can sing for them. I think it might look like this:

Other crap to look at:
Elisha Cuthbert in very little (gorillamask)
A gentleman sends abrash text (thefoggymonocle)

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