Sophie Monk

Age: 28

Where you’ve seen her: Sophie Monk is known more for who she dates than what she’s done. Let’s play a little game to see which is more recognizable–the dudes she has sex with…or her career. Just buzz in if you’ve heard of one of the following. (You’ll have to build some sort of buzzer that’s loud enough for me to hear if this game is going to work.)

1. Bardot (Answer: Career. No buzzing? That’s because this was her “band” in Australia.)
2. Jude Law (Answer: Guy she’s dated. Technically, the only reason you’ve heard of him is because he slept with his babysitter. It’s a draw.)
3. Primus Telecom (Answer: Career. Sadly, this isn’t Les Claypoole’s phone company, but she did a commercial for this Virginia-based tele-communications provider. You’ve only heard of this if you worked there or lost your shirt when it’s stock dropped 99% in 2001.)
4. Benji Madden (Answer: Guy she’s dated. You’ve probably heard of him. He’s the scrappy dog that appeared in a series of movies in the 1970s and 80s who is now dating Paris Hilton.)
5. Click (Answer: Career. Despite debuting at #1 at the Box Office, you probably have zero recollection of this somehow successful Adam Sandler film.)
6. Ryan Seacrest (Answer: Guy she’s dated. I thought he was gay, but apparently she’s “been seen with him.” Cough…beard…cough.)
So there you have it, it’s clear that her career would be much farther along if she put more effort into dating and less effort into telecom commercials.

Pointless quote that would be great for her career if it was about real life and not that stupid Click movie: “I end up in bed with Adam Sandler. It’s so surreal it’s hysterical”

(2)

Megan Fox Makes Out With Strippers

I was watching the movie Predator the other day and I started thinking, “I wonder how they came up with the Predator.” Like, I kinda think it was a bunch of people in a room and they had a picture of him up on a screen and were like “okay, I think we’ve done it. I think we’ve made the most bad ass movie character of all time. He looks super awesome, he’s got a gnarly weapon that hangs out on his shoulder and blows shit up, he’s got dreads. I think our work here is done.” Then everybody was packing up their stuff and getting ready to leave and one guy was like “Wait.” and everyone paused for a moment and he said “What if….he was invisible.” Then it was super silent for a moment and then one guy starts slow clapping and everybody joins in. I bring that up because when I see Megan Fox, she seems like there’s no way she could be hotter, and then all of a sudden she says some shit like this:

The 22-year-old actress, reveals in October’s GQ that she once had a fling with a female stripper named Nikita.

The romance began when she was 18 and first living in L.A.

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided - oh man, sorry, mommy! - that I was in love with this girl that worked at the Body Shop,” Fox said. “I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.

I don’t know how I feel about this. It’s almost like it’s so awesome, it’s kind of too awesome. Like when I was fourteen and realized that I could rent porn from the video store if I used my brother’s account, then ended up losing one of the pornos and the store called my parents and asked them when my brother was going to return “Buttslammers 9.” That ended poorly for me.

There’s no way Megan Fox actually says shit like that. Too perfect. I watched that shitty Eddie Murphy movie where there’s little alien people inside his head that run a computer that tells him what to say, and I think the plot of that godforsaken piece of crap is more plausible then her actually having made out with a stripper. I forsee a group of old white people shrunken down and inserted into her head with a computer, deciding what she says.

(6)

Mayrin Villanueva

Age: 33

Where you’ve seen her: Mayrin Villanueva, according to her Wikipedia page, has been in “magazines.” Good for her!

MILF status: After a bit of pushing and squeezing, two babies came flying out of Mayrin’s buh-gina in 2003. Her daughter Romina and her son Sebastian.

(3)

Kim Smith

Age: 25

Where you’ve seen her: Kim Smith has been in a bunch of music videos, Maxim magazine, and some ads for clothes you would never ever buy.

Pointless quote: “I love meeting new people; I think everyone has a story to tell. We should all listen sometimes.”

(1)

Miranda Kerr

Age: 22

Where You’ve Seen Her: Miranda Kerr became a Victoria’s Secret Angel after winning a nationwide model model search by Australia’s Dolly Magazine.

Tantalizing tidbit: Miranda’s writing a self-esteem self help book called Treasure Yourself. It’s goal is to show other insanely attractive girls that they are, in fact, insanely attractive and can get anything they want out of life without having to accrue any knowledge of anything at all. (I assume.)

Pointless quote: “I would have to say the best and worst part of my job is the constant travel, and while I do get to see so much of this beautiful world, it really can get very tiring.”

(3)

Jessica Alba REALLY Wants You To Vote

Voting is our right. Sure. We should all be allowed to vote. But if I don’t vote for whatever reason, I don’t want the chick who played the female lead in “The Eye” telling me I’m an asshole. I’m only an asshole if I paid 3.99 to rent that piece of shit. People.com reports:

Jessica Alba, who appears in a in new bondage-inspired campaign for the voter group Declare Yourself, isn’t afraid to employ a little shock value for a cause she believes in.

“I think it is important for young people to be aware of the need we have in this country to get them more active politically,” says Alba. “People respond to things that are shocking.”

This is the ad they’re referring to:

Who thinks this is going to get young people politically involved?  Young people are f*&king stupid.  When I was nineteen I missed a final in one of my classes because my friend had crapped in a box and set it in front of our neighbor’s house and I wanted to wait and see what his reaction would be when he opened it.  But unfortunately for the people that made this ad, they’re not stupid in the kind of way that makes them highly susceptible to really f$#king stupid ads that generalize voting.  That kind of stupid is reserved for Jessica Alba.  I can’t wait until they start making more and more shocking voting ads, and we end up with something like this:

(1)

Justine Jaro

Age: 25

Where you’ve seen her: Justine Jaro is a model who’s been in…to be honest, I have no idea. I just found her photos in one of the the Internets tubes.

Pointless quote: “i’m not asking everyone to be animal activist but try to be compassionate. believe in karma and be free =) XXXOOO”

(9)

Diana Falzone

Age: 25

Where you’ve seen her: Diana Falzone is the cohost of the Devore and Diana show on Maxim Radio on Sirius. She’s also been on VH1’s Best Night Ever, Fox’s Red Eye and a bunch of romance novel covers (honestly.)

Pointless quote: “I am all for being polite but once someone crosses your comfort zone, the rules of etiquette go out the window.”

(2)

Jerry O’Connell Apologizes To Rebecca Romijn

When I first got out of college I was so broke I applied for a job writing gay asian porn stories for the web. I’m not joking. The guy said “20 bucks a story, and you have to use the words “Asian, Gay, Men, and Huge” in the title and the story as many times as you can. So I wrote a sample called “Huge gay asian men.” Anyway, I didn’t get the job and he sent me an e-mail back saying “you obviously don’t know what turns on men.” Which, if my dad is reading this will make him fairly happy. Anyway, from then on I’ve refrained from using the word huge, because I used it 14 times in a 250 word story about homosexual sex and it sort of took on a new meaning. So I think I would react the same way Rebecca Romijn reacted when Jerry O’Connell used it, but for different reasons. People.com reports:

“I regret calling my wife ‘huge’ on Conan O’Brien,” O’Connell tells PEOPLE. “I meant to say that there are specific areas of my wife that are larger than normal and growing every day.”

I think she’s being a bit sensitive.  She’s pregnant with twins, which means she probably IS huge.  That’d be like the San Diego Chargers middle linebackers being mad that I called them “complete worthless pieces of shit who can’t read coverage or stop any kind of run.”  I’m sorry, I’m bitter about yesterday.  Anyway, It’s not like O’connell called her huge and she looked like this:

(0)

Ninel Conde

Age: 37

Where you’ve seen her: Ninel Conde has been in lots of Mexican movies, most notably called “7 Mujeres, 1 Homosexual y Carlos.” (I like Carlos’s odds.)

MILF status: She became a MILF a few years ago when a little tiny baby named Sofia came flying out of her vagina hole.

Pointless quote: “I’m also a model.”

(1)