See what they did right there, they made you think there’s a better phone then the iPhone, but then at the last second, they revealed that there’s not! Apple, you’ve done it again!
If you already own the old version of the iPhone, basically that commercial reads like this:
“Hey shit bag. Pay attention to what I’m saying because I’m letting you know that that phone you spent half a paycheck on to look cool, is now not only being offered for half the price you paid for it, but is better in every way. Now, not only will you have a shittier version of our phone, but every time you show someone your iPhone, they’ll ask you if it’s the new version and you’ll have to tell them no. In closing, go f*&k yourself.
I don’t usually do a lot of things that require gloves (constant blogging has left my hands as supple as a baby’s ass), but if I ever did need to cover my hands, I would use a pair of Shocker Love Gloves. Why are these gloves named after the “two in the pink, one in the stink” move of the same name? According to the website, some popular uses for these gloves are:
Baseball/Softball
Pit Crews
Keep your hands clean
Industrial
Motorcycle/Enduro
I’m sorry, but I still don’t understand. None of these uses offer any explanation as to why this glove company has decided to market their brand after a sex act that involves jamming your pinky up someone’s ass. Why is their logo a hand doing the shocker? Are you supposed to wear these when you’re giving your girlfriend or wife a shocker? Are they designed specifically for shocking? Is “shocking” the present perfect verb of “shocker”? I have a lot of questions about these gloves, but sadly no answers.
Fire up a brontasaurus with ease using the $3,300 Grillworks grill. Using something called a V-channel to catch all those delicious bronto-juices, this is the king of the grills. It’s two feet deep, almost four feet wide, and allows you to raise and lower the fire using an old-fashioned cast-aluminum turning wheel to bring your meat closer or farther from the wood fire underneath. (Turning hand sold separately.)
OK, I am totally about to blow your mind, but Kim Crawford’s line of high-quality premium New Zealand wines will impress anyone from a wine novice to a connoisseur and…their screw cap. I know, I know. You thought screw cap wine was basically just old grape juice that was only chugged by hobos warming themselves over a flaming barrel. Well, after realizing that screw caps actually preserve the wine better and don’t get “corked,” the world’s winemakers realized that maybe it was time to change their practices. Pick these wines up and put down the corkscrew.
2007 Marlborough Dry Riesling Say this to sound smart: Bursts of citrus, honey and fresh peach compliment the crisp, flinty finish. Say this to sound stupid: Rex Grossman? Definitely going into the Hall of Fame. Serve with: Spicy Indian dishes, seafood and pork. Price: $17
2007 Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc Say this to sound smart: Ripe fruit, citrus and tropical flavors mingle with soothing herbaceous notes. Say this to sound stupid: I just sharted. Serve with: Almost anything. Price: $17 Continue reading…
Remember those days when you’re baby didn’t know who its daddy was? Well, if you went on the Maury Povich show, gave a little DNA, and waited for Maury to tell you the results on the air, you definitely know which guy’s sperm fertilized your egg (and honestly, it’s really really really hard to tell sometimes.)
Now that you know, why not dress up your little whore-spawn in a cute onesie that says “I Met My Daddy On Maury.” Because your child is never too young to know that his/her parents are trashy people who will throw their integrity away for a fleeting chance to be on television. Available in future felony blue or future porn fluffer pink!
If everyone had one of these flip cameras, we wouldn’t see so many sex tapes with shitty quality. Uncrate.com has a nice little write up on them:
The Flip holds 60 minutes of VGA-quality (640 x 480) video on 2GB of built-in memory and produces surprisingly good video and audio quality.
A flip-out USB arm makes transferring video to your computer easy, and included software makes it simple to edit video and upload to YouTube and AOL Video.
See, the next time you’re at the zoo and you see a rhinoceros piss a fire hose-like stream that knocks over a tour group of elderly people, not only can you capture it on video, but you can upload it to the internet within mere seconds. Then if there’s time, you can see if they’re okay, but zoos fill up fast, so I recommend getting your ass to the Panda cage quickly otherwise you’ll miss out on watching those love-able creatures sleep.
You’ve heard of Scottish Whisky, Irish Whiskey, Tennessee Whiskey and Kentucky Bourbon (which is also a whiskey.) But what about Welsh Whisky? The vowel-hating nation next to England is known mostly for Tom Jones and having a language that requires three tongues to properly speak. Actually, I’m just kidding. The country of Wales isn’t actually known at all.
But Penderyn single malt welsh whisky may just put them on the map. With notes of raisins and light fruit, this is a much lighter delicate than your average heavily peated LaPhroaig or Ardbeg. Which makes it well-liked by critics and women alike. Pull out a bottle of this the next time someone of the opposite sex or a well-known whisky critic comes over.
Say this to sound smart: Penderyn finishes its ageing process in Madeira casks which gives it a subtlety and compexity not seen in other whiskies. Say this to sound stupid: I’m pretty sure my mom had sex with Tom Jones. Proof: 92 (46% abv) Price: $45
Bacon has been made into mints, candy bars, and a roof of a meat house, so it’s no surprise to see the world’s most manly food has now been made into lollipops. Using real Vermont bacon, these lollys also use real VT maple syrup to create a maple bacon treat for the carnivorous sugar addict in your life. My only question is: how long before “Bacon Cancer” is the number one killer in America? (Answer: about a week.)
Everybody wants to be a deejay. But the problem is, it actually takes some talent to be one. Thanks though to Xsession pro, you no longer need talent.
M-Audio’s MixLab, which includes an X-Session Pro USB mixing desk and Torq LE software, is what you need to get your (virtual) DJ-ing fingertips hot. Torq LE slurps up your music (including what’s stashed in an iTunes library) and lets you drag and drop tracks into two virtual onscreen decks. From there, you can take the tunes and run with them — at least as long as you’re sticking to the basic techniques it offers.
Wow, deejay-ing has come a long way. I remember the days when you had to shield your records from drunken sorority girls who projectile vomited in between requests for you to play Warren G’s “Regulator.” Don’t worry though, even though you won’t be using records or turntables like normal deejays, you can still have that inflated sense of self-importance derived from the fact that you have the power over what song is going to be played next. And really, at the end of the day, isn’t that what it’s all about?
Alright, it’s a Friday night. You’ve just done back and bi’s at the gym. You and some of the other super sweet bros from the sales team want to cruise for some special ladies. You need a car that will not only make you look cool, but that will also have room for the three wheeler you tell people you have, but don’t. The car for you is the Tahoe. One problem, you care about the enviroment. The answer then, is the new Chevy Tahoe Hybrid. Uncrate.com gives us the specs:
Offering up to 50% better city fuel economy over the non-hybrid Tahoe, the eco-friendly version has an estimated MPG of 21 city/22 highway for the 2WD model, and 20 city/20 highway for the 4WD model. Both pack in a Vortec 6.0L V8 engine with Active Fuel Management technology, which automatically shifts from 8 to 4 cylinders when less power is needed.
This can all be yours for…. $50,490. Bro! Come on! Bro, let’s negotiate.
You think just because someone’s elected, they get to be president? No sir, before anybody moves into the White House, they have to pass an entrance exam.
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