Do you know the difference between blended or single barrel whiskey? Tennessee or Irish whiskey? Straight or gay whiskey (OK, gay whiskey is called cognac.) If you’re not sure what your bourbon label is saying, then check out this handy dandy bourbon label reader I got from Whiskey Professor Bernie Lubbers. Yes, his title actually is “Whiskey Professor” so it’s time to listen, learn, and most importantly, drink.
Basically, work sucks. So here’s a step-by-step guide for calling in “sick.” Use it when you’re too lazy to get up, hung-over, or would rather watch re-runs of Mr. Belvedere.
1) PICK THE DAY
The ideal situation is when you know which day you want to take off. Think of it as a nice mini-vacation. You don’t go to Rome without an itinerary, do you? Decide which day you want (Tuesday-Thursday works best), make sure you don’t have any crazy important meetings, and schedule a night out with your friends ASAP.
2) CHOOSE YOUR AILMENT
Do you think Johnny Depp just walked onto the Pirates of the Caribbean set without hanging out with some one-eyes? No. An actor doesn’t go into a role without researching his character. Same goes for picking an illness. You’ll want to research the symptoms, know the recovery time (you might be able to buy two or three days off from this), recognize the medications, and start faking. Here’s a list of common ailments that will buy you some time off of work without getting you fired:
Pink Eye
Vomiting/Stomach Flu
Ear infection
Strep Throat
Sprained Ankle*
Flu/Fever
*Requires accessory
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It seems like a no brainer: You walk into the electronics store at the mall, point at the biggest, flattest, cheapest set you see and plunk down your credit card. That’s fine…if you’re a total idiot. Having the wrong TV can be the difference between thousands of hours of orgasmic content consumption and a never ending cycle of crappy picture quality and extended warranties only suckers and your rotary-phone-having mom should be dumb enough to buy.
Pick a price range
Don’t pick a number that’s going to have you eating Ramen and giving HJs for gas money. But when you consider how much time you’re going to spend with this thing, you should be able to justify dipping into the booze fund. And once your number is set, stick to it. It’s far too easy for a sexy 65-incher to seduce you into taking out a loan to buy it. Trust me, I know. Oh, and do you need an HJ? The tank is on E and I really have to get to work.
Pick a panel type
Every idiot and his retarded brother has an opinion about which kind of panel, be it plasma, LCD or rear-projection, is the best. The fact of the matter is, they’re all wrong. The “best” depends on what you’re going to be using it for. Here’s a breakdown of the strengths and weaknesses:
LCD
The most popular type of set at the moment provides awesome color, lots of brightness and will last longer than a plasma before the picture starts to degrade. They’re excellent for watching movies and playing games, but some die-hard sports fans complain that their slower response times suffer during fast-paced action. They also take up less space and often put out less heat than the other guys.
Plasma:
Many true A/V nerds will tell you that plasma is capable of providing the best picture quality, especially when it comes to providing deep blacks, something the other guys kind of suck at. The downside is that plasmas have a tendency to get burn-in, so if you’re playing a video game with a life meter, it might be stuck there even after you’ve turned the game off. Also, they gradually lose brightness so they won’t last as long.
In case you’re stupid, it’s St. Patrick’s Day this Monday. So who better to tell you how to properly enjoy Ireland’s finest export than Fergal Murray, Brewmaster of Guinness. If you’ve never had one, a pint of Guinness is a work of art. It’s not a beer to be “shotgunned” or “mainlined” or “freebased.” It is to be explored with all your senses. Oh, and since it has alcohol, you can also explore senses of “self confidence,” “self importance” and, finally, “self urination.”
While your enjoying a true and proper Guinness, go to Proposition317.com and sign a petition to make St. Patrick’s Day a national holiday. What, like you’d rather go to work? Slainte!
Knowing how to make a proper martini should be mandatory for any man, woman and infant. So, we talked to Ethan Kelley of New York’s Brandy Library to get the low down on the world’s most classic cocktail.
Get The Right Glasses
Ethan: “As the old saying about martinis goes: One is too little and three is too many. So be sure to pick up some properly sized glass. A martini glass should never be more than 6 ounces but I find 4.5 ounces to be ideal.”
Empty The Crisper
Ethan: “Some people think refrigerators are for food. Not so. Keep a stash of cocktail glasses (as well as beer glasses and champagne flutes) in the fridge to make sure your glasses are always martini-ready. We all must prioritize.”
To Gin Or Not To Gin
Ethan: “Vodka or gin? This is a very personal choice, and can take some time to decide which brand works best for you. Taste them all…over and over again…and then one more time. I am certain you will find something that really makes you happy.”
Buy some rubbers and get some ointment for that rash. We’re gonna get you some sex—fast.
1. Always be ready
If you’re going to get laid in less than a minute, you need to look like a guy who can get laid in less than a minute. So make not being a slob your new default setting. Tuck in your shirt, wear clothes that match, don’t let your hair be messy and—this is important—wear nice shoes. It’s all about first impressions and some girls aren’t aroused by your kitschy Thundercats t-shirt. Bitches.
2. Get the lay of the land
Wherever you are—bar, club, wedding, bail bond office—you need to observe the scene. Is there a girl who got separated from her friends? Did another guy just crash and burn? Swoop in! Better yet, read body language to find a girl who is blatantly interested in sex. Is she biting or licking her lips? Playing with her hair or necklace while she’s looking at you? Cupping her breasts and foaming at the mouth? Then you’ve got yourself a target!
If you feel like the opposite sex always beats you to the figurative punch in an argument, use this cheat sheet to help you fight like a chick (with the small possibility of actually winning).
5. Talk Non-Stop
The reason girls win so many arguments is because they’re generally doing all the talking. You’re usually sitting there silently trying to remember what baseball game is on in an hour, or if you washed your balls in the shower this morning. Next time you fight, try stringing 10 sentences together of whatever nonsense comes into your head. This will distract her. For example:
YOU: I would like to tell you how this makes me feel.
GIRLFRIEND: How what makes you feel? You’re the one that completely forgot Valentine’s Day.
YOU: Sherry, you’re not listening to me. This really hurts me. Every time you try to talk to me about something, I feel like you’re attacking me. It’s making me hurt inside. I’m trying to express it to you, but I don’t know if you’re listening. It’s hard for me to feel these things sometimes. And then I feel like you’re not listening, and attacking. Just attacking and doing a lot of not listening. Are you listening to me? I feel like you don’t hear me. Please just listen.
4. Work up some salty discharge (In your eyes, not your pants.)
You know the drill: Just when you start winning an argument, your girlfriend starts the waterworks. This usually makes you feel bad, and then you just let her win. This time, pull out your own bag of saline tricks. If you’re not sure if you’re capable of expressing any emotion, try this method: Start concentrating on something very sad a couple minutes before you think she might be getting somewhere (IE: The Bears re-signing Rex Grossman; Your penis falling off), and think about having gonorrhea all over your body…and diarrhea all over your gonorrhea. If that doesn’t do the trick, just turn on The View.
Want to be cool like Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman and the rest of Hollywood’s A-list? Here’s your blueprint.
1. Take a free personality test
Called the Oxford Capacity Analysis and administered by two Scientology volunteers, this will help you find the weak areas in your life. (Some example questions: “Is your voice monotonous, rather than varied in pitch?” “Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it?”) Here’s a list of all the questions, along with what the church considers the “right” answers. Cheat away right here!
2. Hit the bank and the books (in that order)
You need to attend classes, and that means paying some fees. Sorry—”fixed donations.” Entry-level courses will run you 50–100 bucks, but to make the upper reaches of Scientology you need to take higher-level courses, and that ain’t cheap. (One estimate puts the cost of reaching the church’s highest level at $380,000.) Can’t afford classes? Then you can’t be a member. But the church will take you on as an employee to recruit people who have more money.
3. Don’t be gay or a journalist (Sorry, Anderson Cooper)
Well, you can technically “be” gay, but you have to be an “ethics in” homosexual, which means you can’t actually “have” any homosexual sex. So you can see why they only let ultra-macho dudes like Tom Cruise and John Travolta become members. Journalists, on the other hand, aren’t allowed anywhere near Old Mother Hubbard’s cupboard.
How To Make a Super Bowl Commercial - Watch more free videos
If you’ve ever wondered what are the ingredients for a Super Bowl commercial, wonder no further. Pay close attention to Balky Bartakomous. He’s a national treasure.
Just can’t wait to start a life of debilitating alcohol addiction? Let us show you the way, grasshopper.
1. Pick A State
Certain state IDs are easier to fake than others, so your adventure begins with figuring which ones are best, going online and downloading a high-resolution template. We’d love to tell you more, but it would be irresponsible for us to say that those states are, in alphabetical order, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, New Hampshire, Michigan and South Dakota. So you’re on your own.
2. Say Cheese!
You’re better off using a scan of your passport photo, but if you have to take a new picture go out and get a good digital camera. Then take your headshot against a solid backdrop that matches the color of your new home state. Avoid too much texture: beach towel = bad, Mom’s silk dress = good. And please don’t overcompensate with fake facial hair. Though an eye patch might make you look more distinguished…
In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s a list of mom’s we wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. Or a three-inch penis.
12. Angela Bower – Who’s The ...
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