How-to
December 17th, 2007 | 01:33
1. Be Patient: Give them space. Nobody’s going to do you in the first hour of the party, and if they do, burn your respective penis or vagina after because who the hell knows where that person has been. It’s not how you start the game, it’s how you finish. Let others tire themselves out early, then be the Jonathan Papelbon of your Christmas Party.
2. Follow the Booze: “Alcohol is your best friend,” says veteran Christmas Party bartender Craig Wilkening. “Wait for the signs. They’ll drink, then they’ll start dancing, then right after they’ve started singing along loudly but before they’re slumped in their chair passed out, that’s your opportunity to strike,” adds Wilkening.
3. Lower Your Standards: You’re not looking for somebody to bring home to mom or dad, you’re just looking for somebody who doesn’t look like mom or dad. “The biggest mistake I see is guys wasting their time on the hottest chick there. She knows she can bang anybody she wants, and has usually made up her mind before the party,” says Wilkening.
4. Respect the Awkward Factor: If you have to sit next to this person every day at work, that’s not shitting where you eat, that’s shitting on the food you eat. Make sure they’re someone you don’t have to face every day before you gently graze their boob in an attempt to gauge their reaction. If you end up sleeping with a close-by co-worker, attempt to get that person fired through chicanery.
December 13th, 2007 | 12:00
The Chicago Bears new starter tells you how to put hair on your face.
We knew Kyle Orton was good at drinking. And we knew Kyle Orton was good at holding a clipboard. But Orton’s true calling in life will be on full display for the entire nation this week when he goes against the Minnesota Vikings on Monday Night Football. I’m talking, of course, about that dead raccoon-like tuft of hair on his face known in most circles as a “neck beard.”
This fearless reporter caught up with Mr. Orton and got some insights into the glamorous world of beard growing. Here’s what the back-up to Rex Grossman’s back-up had to say.
Tip One: “Don’t shave.”
Those are Orton’s exact words. Maybe this isn’t going to be as hard as we thought.
Tip Two: Keep your (scraggly) chin up
“Don’t listen to the doubters,” Orton says. “And there will be many.” During his early stages of scruff, his nappy neck hair drew numerous insults from teammates in the locker room. Our tip: every time a friend uses the word “pubes” to describe your facial hair, replace it with “awesome” and convince yourself everybody thinks you look great.
Continue reading…
drinking,
Kyle Orton
December 12th, 2007 | 05:33
1. Have Boobs: I know not everyone has them, but if you do, then you don’t need to read the rest of this how to. Boobs are the answer to most problems.
2. Make Eye Contact But Don’t Be Creepy: You want the bartender to acknowledge you’re there and in line, but you don’t want to hold the gaze so long he tenses his butthole in fearful anticipation of what you might do to him when he walks to his car later. Eye contact, then look away.
3. Hold Cash In Your Hand: Don’t hold it out like you’re beckoning a stripper, just hold it noticeably in your hand so he knows you want to purchase.
4. Don’t Bitch: A bartender is not your child, you don’t have the right to verbally abuse him. Wait patiently and you will be served after everyone with boobs.
December 5th, 2007 | 04:13
Your hair is falling out. It sucks but it’s not the end of the world, it’s just really really close to the end of the world. Here’s some tips on how to deal:
1. Don’t fight, accept. Your hair, much like Arrested Development, is not coming back no matter how great it was.
2. Look for inspiring bald guys. There’s lots of bald guys that women find attractive. Lots! There’s that one guy… on that one show… I think. Whatever, the point is there are some. Find one that inspires you!
3. Look at the positives. When you had hair, everyone knew you were a pussy because you already looked like one. If you’re bald and you shave your head, you’ll look tough and people will have to confront you to find out you’re a pussy, which happens way less.
4. Embrace your new team. You’re now part of a select group of men. Just like how the Kansas City Royals are part of a select group of Major League Baseball players. Help out your fellow bald men and together, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish!
5. Don’t make fun of yourself. Does a waiter tell you the food you ordered tastes like shit right before he serves you? Maybe only at Red Lobster. Otherwise no way! So don’t you go putting yourself down either! Confidence is key. Believe you’re a stud and women will either believe you, or think you must have a really big penis since there’s no way you could be confident being so bald. Either way, you win!
December 3rd, 2007 | 03:58
You don’t want to be a buzz kill, but it’s 4 in the morning and it sounds like you’re inside Jenna Jameson’s vagina. You and the neighbor need to chat. Here’s some tips on how to let them know:
1.Give a Compliment: He or she may be more inclined to respect your request if you give a compliment along with it. “I really like that new car you just bought. Can you stop having loud sex in the middle of the night?”
2.Write a Note: You may find that you fear confronting your neighbor. Scientists classify persons with such a fear as “gigantic pussies.” A hand written note can make it much less awkward. Simply slide under their door and run away as silently as possible.
3.Bang on the Wall: Knocking on the wall during your neighbor’s intercourse says “I am so bothered by your loud coitus that I cease to care that future interactions with you will be awkward.
4.Taste of Their Own Medicine: You’ve tried everything else but he/she won’t stop. Do a little research and exact revenge. Maybe they’re a student and have a big test the next morning or a surgeon who has to administer a heart transplant. Wait till the wee hour, hire a local prostitute and a drifter, put a tarp down on your bed, and let the fireworks begin! We’ll see how easy that open heart surgery is tomorrow!
November 29th, 2007 | 03:53
The world is filled with many interesting shapes and colors, and once in a while it’s just really hard to pay attention to what you’re girlfriend is saying. Here’s some helpful tips to ensure you don’t get yelled at:
1. Blink: Women look you in the eyes when they talk to you. I know, it’s crazy. So, if your eyeballs have glazed over during her recap of the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy, she’ll notice.
2. Nod and Purse Your Lips: You can still enjoy the hilarity of witnessing a dog defecating in the distance behind your lady as well as appear attentive to what she’s saying, simply by nodding your head and pursing your lips. This makes her think you are digesting her comments and forming an articulate response.
3. Listen for Key Words: Words like “hate” and “amazing” allow you to decipher how she’s feeling without knowing what she’s talking about. Then you can reinforce her feelings by responding with “Yes, I hate that as well.”
4. Be a Detective: She’s finished talking and wants to hear your thoughts. You have to be vague, since you have no idea what she just said. But too vague = lonely nights. Give an opinion and follow it up with a question whose answer may give you a clue as to what she’s been discussing. “That’s interesting. What made you think of that?”
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