Lock of the Weekend
January 11th, 2008 | 04:55
Last week the Seahawks were good to me and they covered even though Matt Hasselbeck played like he shit his pants on every first down and was just trying to get back to the sidelines as quick as possible to go clean up. Regardless, I’ve won 2 out of my last 3, which Meatloaf says isn’t bad. (That’s right, I made a Meatloaf reference, kiss my ass.)
On to this weekend’s un-lock:
JAGUARS (+11) over Patriots
The Patriots are dominant, I know. But the Jaguars are like a urinal: if you shit on them, you’re making a big mistake. It’s supposed to be in the low 40s and potentially rainy in Foxboro this weekend and the Pats have old ass linebackers. If you don’t think cold weather effects old people, you’ve never seen my dad try to tie his shoes in the morning. You think Mike Vrbael is going to be flying around making tackles? Apparently you haven’t seen this picture of him.
January 4th, 2008 | 05:30
“Please don’t pick us Holy Taco, you suck.”
I lost again last week. Again. I’m 1-4. Why does God hate me? Is it because I crapped in a box and brought it to a secret Santa party? I feel so lost right now, and not like the people on that show “Lost.” They’re way more attractive than me. Except for the fat guy. Although he’s got all his hair…I hate everyone.
On to this week’s un-lock:
SEAHAWKS (-3.5) over Redskins
The game is at Seattle and they’re tougher at home than Chris Beniot. I’m going to hell for that joke and it wasn’t even good. Anyway, the Redskins offense stinks. Todd Collins has been playing well, but that’s just because he can’t believe he’s playing, let alone winning. Once he realizes he’s the starting QB of a playoff team, he’ll shit the bed worse than I did in Boy Scouts when I ate a weird mushroom on a dare. So, anyway, I’m taking the ‘Hawks, which means y ou should probably take the ‘Skins. Because I’m a loser.
MY PROMISE TO YOU: Because I’m such a loser, if I lose this week, I will NEVER write this column again. That’s right, Lock of the Weekend will be gone. Thank you, that is all.
RECORD: 1-4
MONEY WON/LOST: -370
December 28th, 2007 | 02:31
Guess who won their bet last week? That’s right, this mo-fo right here! I got one in the win column baby! I feel like I felt right after I lost my virginity, and even better, there’s no one sitting next to me sobbing, saying, “What did I do? What the fuck did I just do?”
On to this week’s lock:
BILLS (+7.5) over Eagles
First of all, if you’re out at a bar and someone is intensely watching this game, that person has a gambling problem. On the boring scale, this game rates right between “C-SPAN 2″ and “Student Film Festival.”
The Eagles put up 38 on the Saints and now everybody thinks they’re some juggernaut. It’s like when Cuba Gooding Jr. did Jerry Maguire and everyone thought he was the next Will Smith. Then he followed that up with Radio, where he played a retarded person who inspires us all, and Boat Trip, where it seemed like he played a retarded person who pretends to be gay, and suddenly his life was paparazzi-less. This will be Philadelphia’s Radio.
I know Buffalo has a rookie QB, a shitty Defense, a shitty offense, but they’re 7-8 and if they win this game, they’ll reach .500. If you don’t think that means something in Buffalo, you’ve never been to that city. They have nothing. The entire town looks like a Wal-Mart right after they close on the day after Thanksgiving: It’s quiet, shit is strewn on the ground, a little fat kid is wandering around looking for his mommy. It’s a scary place. As for Philly, they don’t have hope there, so one more defeat doesn’t mean shit. Plus, Mcnabb ain’t coming back next year, and this game is not one of those “thank you to Philly fans for being so awesome.” In fact, Donovan might just take the first snap and kneel down while he gives everyone the finger.
RECORD: 1-3
MONEY WON/LOST: -320
December 21st, 2007 | 01:36
Alright, this column is getting embarrassing. I’m 0-3 and last week I put down a “John Holmes’ Penis” sized bet on the piece of shit Ravens last week, so there’s gonna be a few people who won’t be getting Christmas presents this year. Mostly cousins. But one of them is in jail, so I don’t have to buy him shit anyway. Although my mom says I have to write him a “nice card.” Maybe he can use the card’s pointy edges to fend off gang rapes.
On to this week’s Un Lock:
JETS (+9) over Titans
Kellen Clemens is out and Chad Pennington is in. I realize this is not cause for celebration. It’s more like wiping bird shit off your face except doing it with the towel you use to clean up with after you masturbate. But 9 points is a lot of points and the Titans offense is led by Vince Young, who Tavaris Jackson refers to as “the guy who has trouble throwing.”
I could go into stats and break down the game, but I’m 0-3 and I hate everyone. And now after re-reading this column, I realized I’m counting on the Jets to win money. Here’s my deal with you the reader, if I lose this game this week, I’ll allow one of you all to submit your own titles for this column that will appropriately say how much of a loser I am. Thank you and Go Jets.
Record: 0-3
Money won/lost (-390)
football,
gambling,
lock,
weekend
December 7th, 2007 | 12:58
“Why God, why am I on the Lions?”
Okay, let me first address my loss last week in which New Orleans failed to cover 3 points against a headless bucs team.
F YOU REGGIE BUSH! There’s 3 minutes left and you fumble with a three point lead?! The only thing you have to do is hold on to the ball! Is one thing too much to remember?! Do you go into the bathroom and look around, thinking to yourself “what was I in here for?” then shit your pants? Now, because of you, I’ll be unable to attend therapy this week due to lack of funds, so I expect your ass to give me a call and be prepared to discuss my father’s inability to show me love which led to my gambling problem.
Now on to this weekends lock.
COWBOYS (+7) over Lions
Jon Kitna loves Jesus. But Tony Romo went from being a back up quarterback I used to call “The Romosexual” to a guy with a 40 million dollar contract who bangs Jessica Simpson and is now referred to as “Romocop.” So something tells me Jesus loves Tony Romo more.
The Lions can’t run the football, Roy williams is out, and Minnesota put up 42 points on their defense last week with Tavaris Jackson at quarterback, who throws a football like he’s tossing a Halibut at the Seattle Fish Market.
I know last week I promised to rip the mole off Drew Brees’ face if they didn’t cover. I’m working on it. Things take time. This week, if the Cowboys can’t cover a one touchdown spread against the excrement that is the Lions, I’m going to go to Tony Romo’s house and poke a hole in all of his condoms.
For the season
RECORD: 0-1 MONEY WON/LOST (-100)
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