Paz Vega

Age: 32

Where you’ve seen her: Paz Vega is a Spanish actress who also appeared in a movie called Spanglish with Adam Sandler. And while that movie was totally panned…

…This is what it actually says on Spanglish’s wikipedia page: “While critical opinion remains somewhat mixed, many felt that the film was a deeply moving portrayal of communication across cultural boundaries, and an important step forward for the cultural standing of the Hispanic community in the United States.” Yeah, and “Fung Fu Panda” was an important step in healing the wounds felt in the Fung Fu/American Panda communities.

MILF status: Paz had sex with her husband Orson Salazar sometime in late 2006, and she pushed out a mini Orson on May 2, 2007.

Pointless quote: “I am only an actress when they say, ‘action’ and I stop being an actress when they say, ‘cut’. I am a normal person outside of acting.”

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Aracely Arambula

Age: 33

Where you’ve seen her: If you’ve seen Aracely Arambula before, then you probably spend a lot of time watching Mexican soap operas. And considering what’s on TV here in America, that’s not a bad way to go through life.

MILF Status: Some guy named Luis Miguel did the mattress mamba with her back in 2007 and she gave birth to a bouncing baby boy.

Pointless quote: “I am full of joy and happiness because being a mother is the most beautiful thing that can happen to a woman.”

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Vanessa Marcil

Age: 39

Where you’ve seen her: Since you probably aren’t a die-hard General Hospital fan, the only place you could’ve seen Vanessa Marcil was on the she Las Vegas. If you are a die-hard General Hospital fan, you probably don’t have a job, which is pretty cool.

Sad facts: Vanessa was married to Corey Feldman in the early 90s and had a son with Brian Austin Green. Yes, the same Brian Austin Green who’s engaged to Megan Fox. I hate Brian Austin Green.

Pointless quote: Because of my crazy work schedule, I have become something of a master at changing my clothes while driving. The men driving next to me love it.”

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Amanda Peet

Age: 36

Where you’ve seen her: Amanda Peet has been in Saving Silverman, The Whole Nine Yards, Syriana and now she’s going to be in the new X-Files movie.

MILF status: Back in 2006 Amanda squeezed really hard and a little daughter named Francis Pen came out.

Pointless quote: “When I read The Whole Nine Yards I was like, ‘Okay, this is a G-spot role”

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Jennifer Garner

Age: 36

Where you’ve seen her: Jennifer Garner has appeared in such sophisticated cinema as Dude, Where’s My Car, Pearl Harbor, 13 Going On 30, Daredevil, and Catch and Release.

MILF Status: Ben Affleck’s sperm got her all baby’d up. Ewww.

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Jennifer Lopez

Age: 38

Where you’ve seen her: Jennifer Lopez used to be all up in your face with her singing, dancing and acting. But now she just hangs out with Skeletor and has babies.

MILF status: Back in February J Lo squeezed and pushed until two fraternal twins came flying out of her genitals. They have names, but they’re too long and complicated for me to type out here.

Pointless quote: “It’s hard for them (partners) to live in my shadow, knowing that they will never make the money I do.”

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Angelina Jolie

Age: 33

Where you’ve seen her: Jesus, Angelina Jolie is just about everywhere. From her new crappy movie about assassins who can make bullets curve to breast feeding every orphan on the Serengeti, if you’ve been alive in the last five years, you’ve seen Angelina Jolie.

MILF status: Despite already having adopted 2/3rds of the world’s children, Angelina just gave birth to two more. Twins named Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. The photos of these two new babies are expected to fetch up to $20 million. Which makes total sense, because all babies look really really different.

Pointless quote: “I love to put on lotion. Sometimes I’ll watch TV and go into a lotion trance for an hour. I try to find brands that don’t taste bad in case anyone wants to taste me.”

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Dara Torres

Age: 41

Where you’ve seen her: Dara Torres, who has appeared in Maxim, has won four Olympic gold medals (nine total medals) for swimming faster than other women from other countries. She just qualified for the 2008 Olympics at the tender age of 41.

MILF status: Dara won the gold medal of pushing infants out of her genitals in the 2006 vagina Olympics when she gave birth to Tessa Grace.

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Laetitia Casta

Age: 30

Where you’ve seen her: Laetitia Casta is a French supermodel who has been in a few SI Swimsuit issues, Rolling Stone magazine and modeled for a bunch of products you don’t care about.

MILF status: Back in 2006 her water broke and she gave birth to a son named Orlando. So if you have a broken water fetish, you’re probably pretty turned on right now.

Pointless quote: “When I began as a model, everybody tried to remold me: I was too fat, too little, they tried to re-shape my teeth - I am very proud that I have stayed as I was.”

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Liv Tyler

Age: 30

Where you’ve seen her: If you missed Liv Tyler in such blockbusters as “Plunkett and Macleane,” “Cookie’s Fortune” or “One Night At McCool’s,” you may have caught her in a few low budget indie films like “The Lord of The Rings I-III,” “The Strangers” and “The Incredible Hulk.”

MILF status? She gave birth to something called Milo William Langdon in 2004. I’m sure it was a beautiful miracle.

Pointless quote that makes me depressed about Aerosmith: “I have these slumber parties with my father [Steve Tyler], and when we can’t sleep we stay up all night trading beauty tips. He knows all about the good creams and masks.”

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