Man To Be Buried In Pabst Blue Ribbon Coffin

Dying blows, so I’m always excited when someone does something fun with their corpse like take it sky diving or feed it to the homeless. That’s why I said a prayer for Bill Bremanti….well, I will when he finally dies. According to blog.makzine.com:

67-year-old Illinois native, Bill Bramanti built his future coffin in the shape of a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer can because he just really loves the beer.

Until he passes away, he’s using the coffin as a beer cooler, but admits that he has actually gotten inside the coffin to test the size.

He even threw a party where he used the coffin to store beers for his friends.

Bravo, Bill. It’s nice to see that you are going to the grave in a life-sized representation of what undoubtedly sent you to the grave. Can’t you go to the hereafter in a beer coffin that has a little quality? Whenever I drink PBR I wake up the next day feeling like Jesus on Easter. I will personally chip in a few extra dollars so you can upgrade to something fancy like Meister Brau or garbage can fluid. Bill, listen to me. You don’t have to spend your last days drinking something that tastes like Brillo Pads and motor oil. This is was what are interventions are for.

via liquorsnob.com

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Britney Spears Likes Phone Sex

Here’s my problem with phone sex: I’m never exactly sure when a dirty question a girl asks is rhetorical or something she actually wants me to answer, so the few times I’ve tried it, I’ve ended up killing the mood because she’ll say  something like “How do you make me so wet” and I won’t answer because I think it’s rhetorical, but she’ll keep asking until finally I say “Um, I don’t know, probably a combination of things?”  MOOD KILLED.  But, apparently Kevin Federline is a lot better at it than me.    Starmagazine.com reports:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have been having weekly steamy phone sex sessions.

Recently, when Britney was having a sleepless night, she decided to call Kevin at nearly 2 a.m. While they initially chatted about their boys — Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months — the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out — with hours of erotic talk!

Wait, so, let me understand this.  They were talking about their children and the conversation shifted towards phone sex?  Wow, that’s impressive that they can shift like that.  Also very creepy.  How does that even work?  Does it go like this?

KEVIN: So, Jayden’s doing good.  He’s had a little rash on his bum bum but I put some cream on that.

BRITNEY: Oh yeah, you put some cream on his bum bum?

KEVIN: Yeah that’s right girl, I put some cream alllllll over his bum bum.  His bum bum was straight COVERED in cream, girl.

BRITNEY: Maybe you can put some of your cream all OVER my bum bum?

And then you can imagine where it goes from there.  He puts the cream on her bum bum.

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Katherine Heigl, No More Talking For You

Katherine Heigl is on a mission to piss off and alienate everyone who is able to formulate words and thoughts.  Earlier this year she complained about Knocked Up being sexist, even though it basically made her career, and now this:

Popsugar.com reports:

Katherine Heigl has never been one to keep her thoughts to herself, and the latest is that she’s talking about leaving Grey’s Anatomy for good. Apparently Katherine is sick of the long hours on set.

Oh, she’s sick of the long hours on set.  Oh, right, all those long hours acting.  Yesterday I was at the public Library and I went to use the bathroom and a janitor was mopping up human shit off the floor while trying not to bother the homeless guy standing next to him who was half naked showering in the sink.  Maybe I should have asked that Janitor how he felt about Katherine’s long hours.

Does Katherine Heigl not realize  she’s a f-ing ACTOR?  I’ve been on film sets, they hire people solely to kiss your ass and bring you whatever your little head can dream up, while you sit in a chair and pretend to read something that makes you look smart.  Realize you are lucky to have a good job, and quiet yourself.  Also, I got news for her, once she leaves Grey’s Anatomy, no one is going to give two shits about her.  You know how I know that?  Because every time I hear someone reference her they say “that one chick from Grey’s Anatomy.”

Here’s her future:  She’s going to leave the show, the movie offers are going to dry up, and she’s going to have to beg/fellate someone to give her a shitty TV show on some network where she plays a sexy cop who’s teamed up with a bear trained to fight crime.  It’ll look something like this:

On second thought, I’d watch that show.  Go for it Katherine.

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Kelly Osbourne Got Totally Wasted

Kelly Osbourne is either doing an awesome impersonation of a wasted mummy…or she’s just totally wasted. And from what the Sun UK says, it looks like it’s the latter:

“…Kelly then needed a helping hand from her PA and a wall to find her way to a taxi. A club source said: “She was knocking back the Treasure Chest cocktails all night. No wonder Kerry was looking a little spaced out.” Treasure Chests are a potent combination of brandy and peach liqueur topped with a bottle of champagne.”

You know what they say: Like father like daughter who looks like her father.

via idontlikeyouinthatway.com

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Scientists Love A Nice, Gigantic Ass

Finally, some science I can get behind. According to Reuters.com:

CHICAGO (Reuters) - A type of fat that accumulates around the hips and bottom may actually offer some protection against diabetes, U.S. researchers said on Tuesday.

Kahn said he started the study to find out why fat located in different parts of the body seems to have different risks of metabolic disease such as diabetes.

Mice that got subcutaneous fat transplanted into their bellies started to slim down after several weeks.

“If we can capture those (substances), we might have an opportunity to convert them into drugs or use them as guides to help develop drugs,” he said.

Wow. I have seen the future and it is full of commercials for pharmaceuticals that will give the world slim waistlines and great big phat asses. It’s like we’ll all be living in one big hip-hop video…or Kim Kardashian’s sex tape. I can not wait. I wonder what they’re going to call these new drugs? Assiphlax? Derrivere? Viassgra? Whatever it’s going to be called, I think I finally have something to look forward to (besides Judge Judy reruns). Thank you, science.

via jezebel.com

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Tom Brady Calls Role Play

I’ve seen Shawshank Redemption probably 100 times.  It’s a fantastic movie.  But at right about my 80th viewing, at the very end when Andy and Red hug on the beach at Zihuatanejo, I for some reason really wanted a killer whale to suddenly beach itself and clamp its jaws around Andy, biting him in half, then retreat into the ocean with the top half of Andy.  Then have Red hold the bottom half of Andy in his arms and look to the sky and vow to seek revenge on the Killer Whale.  I tell you this because I want to make the point that no matter how amazing something is, sometimes you get bored with it and wish something would spice it up.  Hollywood Rag reports:

Tom Brady wants girlfriend Gisele to dress up like Wonder Woman.  “I want her to wear the Wonder Woman outfit,” said Brady.

You know, I bitch often on this site about dudes who pretty much bang as they please with whoever they want, but to be honest, I never want to get to the point where I’m so bored with vagina, that I need my super model girlfriend to dress up as something other than my super model girlfriend.

Plus, I’m pretty sure Brady is bullshitting.  I’ve seen how he stares at Wes Welker on third and 10 even though Randy Moss is alone in the end zone waving.  It’s clear what he wants Gisele to dress as.

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Tom Cruise Takes The Stairs

This is a photo from a Gala a couple nights ago. I feel like if no one knew who Tom Cruise was, I could show this photo to the special effects team that did Lord of The Rings and tell them I did it and they’d hire me based solely upon this shot. “He must have been hundreds of yards away from the camera, and she just inches! But the steps, they look like they align. Brilliant!”

I always knew Tom Cruise was short, but I didn’t know he was “millions of dollars and man hours spent on set design and special effects work” short. To put in perspective, I went ahead and put him into a few photos to give perspective. Here he is with Dakota Fanning:

Check out how Tom Cruise stacks up against Greg Oden after the jump

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Fatass Monkeys Look A Lot Like Fatass Humans

These monkeys in a Japanese zoo have been so overfed by treat-bearing tourists, that these monkeys have become as fat as the treat-bearing tourists who made them this way. According to dailymail.co.uk:

About 50 Macaca mulatta monkeys at Ohama park in Sakai, Osaka Prefecture have been so overfed by tourists they are now massively overweight.

A local report in April said that about 30 per cent of the animals are so huge they struggle to get around their 420-square-meter enclosure.

A healthy Macaca mulatta monkey weighs about 20lbs, but one of these chunkies is over 60 pounds.

Good job, tourists. This is just how I like my monkeys. Waaaaay too obese to heave their feces at me.

See if you can tell the fatass monkeys from the fatass fatasses after the jump.
Continue reading…

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Amy Winehouse-Like Creature Loose

The above photo is of Amy Winehouse on vacation.  I think.  It also might be a microscopic photo of the virus that causes herpes.  But, people.com says it’s Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse was drastically dressed down last weekend while enjoying a U.K. holiday with friends – and the pics caused a minor stir with the British papers.

Dressed only in a black bra and tiny denim shorts, Winehouse – sans her signature beehive – also revealed a bald patch and her efforts with an at-home hair dye kit on her bangs.

I like that face she’s making in the photo on the left.  Like, if I were to guess what prompts her to make that face, I would say it was that a half shark-half man creature walked up to her and asked her if he she had a copy of the first season of Criminal Minds on dvd.

Also, why is every picture of Winehouse starting to look like the lost photo of Bigfoot?  Is she that elusive?  Can we not get a clear shot of her before she scurries back into the forest?  Pretty soon, this will be every photo of her:

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Lindsay Lohan Steals Coats

See, it’s stories like these that make me not want to go outside in my 11,000 dollar coat.  People.com reports:

Masha Markova, a student at Columbia University, put down her $11,000 blond mink coat with other partygoers’ jackets at the Jan. 26 bash – and thought it was gone for good after she couldn’t find it at the end of the night.

But Markova tells the Post she was flipping through a February magazine when she saw Lindsay Lohan sporting the distinctive coat. “It was my coat. It was no doubt,” she said.

First of all, this chick is in college and she has an 11,000 dollar coat?  When I was in college I had a pair of sixty dollar shoes and when my roommate peed in them by “accident” one night, ruining them, I went into a deep depression and didn’t come out of my room for three weeks except once to watch the finale of Seinfeld and once to weigh in on whether the shit that was on our door step was human or animal.  So excuse me if I don’t feel one bit f-ing sorry for this whiny rich chick.

Secondly, it’s easy to be hard on Lohan for this, but you try figuring out which coat is yours when it’s dark and you’ve snorted a milk jug full of cocaine.  Yeah, not so easy is it?  But, this isn’t the first time Lindsay Lohan has stolen shit.  I found this picture on the interweb.

Ashlee Simpson is NOT going to be happy about that.

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