Tom Cruise Takes The Stairs

This is a photo from a Gala a couple nights ago. I feel like if no one knew who Tom Cruise was, I could show this photo to the special effects team that did Lord of The Rings and tell them I did it and they’d hire me based solely upon this shot. “He must have been hundreds of yards away from the camera, and she just inches! But the steps, they look like they align. Brilliant!”

I always knew Tom Cruise was short, but I didn’t know he was “millions of dollars and man hours spent on set design and special effects work” short. To put in perspective, I went ahead and put him into a few photos to give perspective. Here he is with Dakota Fanning:

Check out how Tom Cruise stacks up against Greg Oden after the jump

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Fatass Monkeys Look A Lot Like Fatass Humans

These monkeys in a Japanese zoo have been so overfed by treat-bearing tourists, that these monkeys have become as fat as the treat-bearing tourists who made them this way. According to dailymail.co.uk:

About 50 Macaca mulatta monkeys at Ohama park in Sakai, Osaka Prefecture have been so overfed by tourists they are now massively overweight.

A local report in April said that about 30 per cent of the animals are so huge they struggle to get around their 420-square-meter enclosure.

A healthy Macaca mulatta monkey weighs about 20lbs, but one of these chunkies is over 60 pounds.

Good job, tourists. This is just how I like my monkeys. Waaaaay too obese to heave their feces at me.

See if you can tell the fatass monkeys from the fatass fatasses after the jump.
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Amy Winehouse-Like Creature Loose

The above photo is of Amy Winehouse on vacation.  I think.  It also might be a microscopic photo of the virus that causes herpes.  But, people.com says it’s Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse was drastically dressed down last weekend while enjoying a U.K. holiday with friends – and the pics caused a minor stir with the British papers.

Dressed only in a black bra and tiny denim shorts, Winehouse – sans her signature beehive – also revealed a bald patch and her efforts with an at-home hair dye kit on her bangs.

I like that face she’s making in the photo on the left.  Like, if I were to guess what prompts her to make that face, I would say it was that a half shark-half man creature walked up to her and asked her if he she had a copy of the first season of Criminal Minds on dvd.

Also, why is every picture of Winehouse starting to look like the lost photo of Bigfoot?  Is she that elusive?  Can we not get a clear shot of her before she scurries back into the forest?  Pretty soon, this will be every photo of her:

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Lindsay Lohan Steals Coats

See, it’s stories like these that make me not want to go outside in my 11,000 dollar coat.  People.com reports:

Masha Markova, a student at Columbia University, put down her $11,000 blond mink coat with other partygoers’ jackets at the Jan. 26 bash – and thought it was gone for good after she couldn’t find it at the end of the night.

But Markova tells the Post she was flipping through a February magazine when she saw Lindsay Lohan sporting the distinctive coat. “It was my coat. It was no doubt,” she said.

First of all, this chick is in college and she has an 11,000 dollar coat?  When I was in college I had a pair of sixty dollar shoes and when my roommate peed in them by “accident” one night, ruining them, I went into a deep depression and didn’t come out of my room for three weeks except once to watch the finale of Seinfeld and once to weigh in on whether the shit that was on our door step was human or animal.  So excuse me if I don’t feel one bit f-ing sorry for this whiny rich chick.

Secondly, it’s easy to be hard on Lohan for this, but you try figuring out which coat is yours when it’s dark and you’ve snorted a milk jug full of cocaine.  Yeah, not so easy is it?  But, this isn’t the first time Lindsay Lohan has stolen shit.  I found this picture on the interweb.

Ashlee Simpson is NOT going to be happy about that.

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The White Sox Can Blow While They Suck

Mired in a five game losing streak, the Chicago White Sox attempted to bring a “slump buster” into their locker room last Sunday with a few baseball bats and a couple of blow up dolls. According to the suntimes.com:

On Sunday, the bats were circled around the two naked female dolls, one of whom had a bat inserted in its backside to prop it up. Each wore a sign over her breasts, one saying “Let’s Go White Sox” and the other reading “You’ve Got to Push,” the National Post in Toronto reported.

One group not amused by the prank was the Association for Women in Sports Media, whose members work toward ensuring a non-threatening work environment for all women in sports media.

I don’t think anyone should be offended at this tactic—because it works. Whenever I get into a blogging slump I always jam my keyboard up a blow-up doll’s ass and hang an inspirational sign around its neck that says something like “Do It The Write Way” or “This Pun’s For You” or “I May Have Just Sharted”. And before I know it, I’m knocking my posts out of the park. (And before you ask, yes, I am currently typing this from inside a blow-up doll’s ass.)

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Matthew Broderick: I Like Gay Men

Do I think Matthew Broderick is gay? No. But we’ve all heard the rumors that his marriage to Sarah Jessica Parker is a sham because he likes to pitch (and catch) for the other team and she…well, she looks like her. So, if you and I have heard these rumors, I’m pretty sure SJP has too. Which makes me wonder why she would say this in New York Magazine:

“Matthew doesn’t have enough friends,” she tells me, sounding very mother-hennish and adding that Matthew has mostly gay friends in New York.

If I were Sarah Jessica Parker (and I pray to God that someday I will be), and I had a slightly effeminete husband who people called a mega flamer, I might mention his love of the Chicago Bears or his ability pound countless beers at any given sporting event or his insatiable desire to cram as many hot dogs in his mouth at one time…um, maybe I’d skip that last one.

via idontlikeyouinthatway.com

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Scarlett Johansson To Marry Ryan Reynolds

My mom always said to me “Before you decide to get married , make sure your heart is filled with the utmost love and respect for the person you’re marrying.  Unless that person has really big perky titties but still manages a thin figure.  In which case, don’t worry about the shit I said before.”  Ryan Reynolds, my mom would be proud.  People.com reports:

After dating for more than a year, Scarlett Johansson is set to marry her boyfriend Ryan Reynolds, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.

As a man, you always kind of think you have a shot with any girl if the right situation came about.  Except for Scarlett Johansson.  I’ve seriously spent nights awake trying to think of a scenario and I couldn’t come up with shit.  I had this one scenario where we both were on a boat and some terrorists took it over, but that fell apart pretty quick due to some of the logistics of the boat and me being able to perform while also worrying about my safety.  I’ve said too much.

Aaaanyway, kudos to Mr. Ryan Reynolds.  Landing Scarlett Johansson is an amazing feat of cocksmanship.  I mean, if you think about it, it sort of makes him a Super Hero of sorts.  I think he’d look something like this:

Of course, he’d have to have a nemesis.  I’m thinking maybe like some dude who’s friends with Scarlett that she confides in and says stuff like “I’m so lucky to have a friend like you,” while they both cry.  Then he’s like “let’s go rollerblading  and just be really good to us today.  We deserve it.”   Then she calls Ryan and cancels on him even though Ryan had courtside tickets to the Lakers game.  I think this nemesis would prove formidable to Captain Poontang and look  something like this:

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Mischa Barton’s Cottage Cheese Thighs

What is it with celebrities and their thighs these days? Mischa Barton isn’t a hefty girl, but these photos of her dimpled ass and thighs makes me wonder what’s going on with her backside. From the front, she looks like a regular, sexy starlet. From behind, she looks like Ron Jeremy’s grandmother. Let’s all chip in and get Mischa a Stairmaster for Cinco de Mayo.

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Notice Anything Odd About This Woman’s Name?

According to Washington’s heraldnet.com:

LYNNWOOD — Marci Milfs went to Urban Outfitters to find clothes for her teenage son.

On one end of the spectrum was “Porn for Women,” a photo book showing men doing housework.

She was surprised to find sexually charged books that she believes have no place in a clothing store for teens and young adults.

“When I saw it, I was shocked,” Milfs said.

Milfs was so appalled that she is preparing to file a complaint with the city of Lynnwood, and has already aired her frustrations to State Rep. Norma Smith, R-Clinton, and organizations including Morality in Media, Concerned Women of America and the American Family Association.

Smith encouraged Milfs to work with Urban Outfitters to resolve the issue.

I would like to commend Norma Smith on her stance. I, too, agree that all Milfs should work very hard to resolve any issues they have with Urban Outfitters…or any outfits they may have.

[Editor’s note: HolyTaco conducted a number of follow-up interviews with Tanya Ballsmoker and Linda Shaftguzzler. Both of whom also agreed with Marci Milfs.]

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Roger Clemens Sorry About All That Sex He Had

Roger Clemens has had a tough few months. After being accused of taking steroids, it’s now coming out that he’s made the sexytime with many, many, many ladies who weren’t his wife over the years. So, instead of denying, he issued this statement today:

I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry. I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws. I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.

I have apologized to my family for my mistakes. And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a lawyer write up all of your public apologies? I’ve heard Roger Clemens speak before and he is a great big hillbilly who isn’t nearly this articulate. This is what his apology would look like if it was actually coming out of his mouth:

Dear People,

I did the sex with women. Some of those women weren’t my lady wife. We done it in hotel rooms and at truck stops and other places for years and years. I used the doggy and the missionary styles of awesome sexmoves. And while I did enjoy my sex very much, I understand that you should not have known about it. If I could change any of this, I would change the fact that you heard about this.

And, well, shit. I wish you didn’t know about me doing my sex with these random strangers and young karaoke singers. I also really, really, really wish my wife didn’t hear about this. It is hard for me to do my sex moves on her now. She’s mad. Like, real mad. She won’t even touch my pocket rocket (geddit?). Which makes me sad. And sorry.

Real sorry about that awesome sex stuff I did with all those ladies for all those years.

Roger

PS: If you see my wife reading a newspaper or watching a television, please make her stop. She seems to get madder at me whenever she does that.

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