Our 700 Billion Dollar Bailout Conspiracy Theory

The economy is in the shitter and now Henry Paulson is saying we need 700 billion dollars to bail us out. We here at the Taco think the only people who ask for 700 billion dollars are evil geniuses. Therefore, here’s what we think is going to happen, step by step.

STEP 1: Paulson Skips Town With The Money And Heads To A Remote Beach Country

Paulson heads to Dulles airport in Washington D.C. where he buys a plane ticket to somewhere in Mexico, under his new name “Henry Paulsone.” As he goes through customs he’s stopped by an officer who notices the 700 billion dollar check he’s carrying. The officer stares him down and says “Wait a second, I know you.” Paulson(e) freezes, terrified he’s been caught. A tense moment of silence, then the officer remarks, “Yeah, you’re that one dude who plays the angry doctor on Scrubs. Nice. Have a good vacation and don’t spend that 700 billion all in one place!”

STEP 2: “Paulsone” Enjoys His New Life

Paulson quickly blends into his new surroundings in Mexico. He realizes that his real passion is not being a high level government official, but instead, a dolphin trainer. He becomes fast friends with “Juanito” the dolphin and they do several shows a day that enthrall the local audiences.

STEP 3: George Bush Announces He’s Going To Do Whatever It Takes To Find Paulson And The Money

With America enraged over their stolen money, President Bush enlists the help of the only man he knows can find Paulson; Dog the Bounty Hunter. Although the C.I.A., F.B.I. and several 5 star generals attempt to tell the president that he should use any one of a number of government agencies at his disposal that are specifically designed for finding individuals, the President disregards their advice on the grounds that “no one is as f’in’ sweet as Dog.”
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Who Is Rosh Hashanah?

And why is he being such a jerk and screwing up Kristi’s meeting?

Thanks to Karlsson for sending in.

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Amazon Says: Asian Guys Like Civ 4 And White Girls

Other crap to look at:
Traci Bingham in a see through shirt (drunkenstepfather)
Janet Jensen is attractive (gorillamask)
Catrinel Menghia is also attractive (doubleviking)
The greatest football catch of all time (nothingtoxic)
The no leg dancer (EJB)
Doggie Gloria Estefan (bestweekever)
Sarah Silverman wants old Jewish people to vote Obama (comedy.com)
Flaming shot fail (tastybooze)
Jessica Alba in a bikini-ish sort of thing (theblemish)
CoCo’s ass needs to head to the body shop (flisted)
Triana Iglesias in FHM (hornyoyster)
It’s a sand goatsie (afrojacks)
The crappy careers of the last 10 Heisman QB winners (uncoached)
Kim Kardashian’s kamel toe (donchavez)
Amy Winehouse sinks deeper into black hole (popeater)
Food sculptures too awesome to eat (asylum)

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Ben & Jerry’s Human Boob Milk Ice Cream

PETA recently sent a letter to Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, urging them to begin using human breast milk in their ice cream in order to:

“…give cows and their babies a break…after years of living in filthy conditions and being forced to produce 10 times more milk than they would naturally…”

Ben and Jerry applauded the innovation behind the idea, but declined the suggestion, which I think was a bad move. After all, everyone likes boobs, and everyone likes ice cream (except gay male Eskimos, but that’s probably not a big B&J target audience, anyway). Plus, it’s all in the marketing. If you put boobs on the packaging, your sales will go through the roof, guaranteed. And…let’s be honest, America will eat just about anything. If we’re willing to cram our faces full of fast food fecal matter, do you really think we’ll turn up their noses at tit milk?

You know you’d buy this if you saw it in your grocer’s freezer aisle.

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Johnny Depp Will Do Yet Another Pirates Movie

I remember sitting in the theater, watching the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and about half-way through, when some weird fish creature or something started talking about a compass of truth, some dude behind me goes “Someone tell me what the f&*k is going on in this movie.” The only time I’ve experienced a more confusing plot was when I was in the emergency room for a dog bite and this homeless dude next to me described, in detail, his plot to kill Tim Meadows. Even that I could follow (until he got to the part where he was going to kill a thousand whales and harness their oil. That was sort of unneccesary I thought.) Anyway, now they’re making a fourth movie and Johnny Depp is reprising his role. Usmagazine.com reports:

Johnny Depp has signed on for a fourth Pirates of the Caribbean installment, Variety reports. (The first three flicks in the Pirates franchise have earned a combined $2.6 billion at the box office.)

I feel like I need to have a talk with America, much like the talk my mom had with me when I told her I was being picked on in elementary school. Here goes. America, if you keep paying attention to the Pirates movies, then they’ll never stop. And for the rest of your life, every time you go anywhere where there’s pirates movies, they’ll know that you’re the kind of person that let’s pirates movies take their lunch and pee on it. Hmmm, I guess my mom’s talk didn’t really translate that well.

I think the plot of this fourth movie isn’t even going to be a plot. It’s just going to be two hours of a studio executive counting money.

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The Real Story Of How A Bill Becomes A Law

The process of a bill becoming law is very complicated. In an effort to simplify it so that everyone can understand, we went ahead and made a flow chart for you.

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Polar Bears Have Finally Gone Crazy

CNN reported recently that Polar Bears have become cannibalistic due to a lack of food in their rapidly depleting environment:

“Scientists have noticed increasing reports of starving Arctic polar bears attacking and feeding on one another in recent years… in northern Alaska, a male bear broke into a female’s den and killed her.”

That’s a crazy-ass Polar Bear. Breaking and entering? Murder? Cannibalism? There’s only one clear solution: The other, more sane Polar Bears need to catch this particularly crazy Polar Bear and contain him in a maximum security facility, because in a couple of years there’s going to be a huge Polar Bear murdering mystery case, and one clever Polar Bear criminal psychologist is going to have to call on the macabre expertise of the Crazy Cannibal Polar Bear to help solve the crime and save Polar Bear lives (unless they’re driven to extinction first).

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Man Gets DUI. Gives Cop The Gas Chamber.

Drinking and driving is a really crappy thing to do. So is farting on the cop who arrested you. According to WSAZ.com:

SOUTH CHARLESTON, W.Va. (WSAZ) — As if getting a DUI wasn’t enough, a man arrested for driving under the influence got in a lot more trouble at the police station.

Police stopped Jose Cruz on Route 60 in South Charleston Monday night for driving with his headlights off.

Then, he failed sobriety tests and was arrested.

When police were trying to get fingerprints, police say Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer remarked in the criminal complaint that the odor was very strong.

Cruz is now charged with battery on a police officer, as well as DUI and obstruction.

Farting on someone is considered battery? If the majority of the public knew that, I’m pretty sure every older brother in the free world would be in jail right now. And I’m really glad the officer noted that the “odor was very strong.” Of course it was. Whenever you break wind after 15 beers, it’s not going to smell like peaches and unicorns. It’s going to smell like death and ham.

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Clay Aiken Is Gay. Presses Not Stopped.

When I was in high school, after my brothers had been away to college, I accidentally left a porno movie in my parents VCR.  They found it and confronted me about it.  I denied vigorously that it was mine.  Then finally after a few hours I decided to man up and I walked up to my dad and I was like “Dad.  I have something to tell you.  That porno you found was mine.”  And my dad looked at me and goes, “No shit moron, you’re the only one who lives in this house besides me and your mother.”  He was not surprised.  I am less surprised at the following news than he was about that porn being mine.  Msn.com reports:

Clay Aiken is finally confirming what many people already knew: He’s gay.

The cover of the latest People magazine shows Aiken holding his infant son, Parker Foster Aiken, with the headline: “Yes, I’m Gay.”

Here’s what I think happened: Clay’s publicist was like “listen, your career is at fourth and long.  You’re down by six and you need a hail mary.  It’s time to drop back and throw the gay bomb.”  At which point Clay responded “No you fool!  It’s too early!  My scientists haven’t finished the gay bomb yet, but it will be ready soon.  Oh yes, soon everyone in the world will be sucking - wait, you were making a football analogy weren’t you?  Ha, you were.  Disregard what I said about the scientists and gay bomb and stuff.”

I love how the cover is Aiken, and it just says “Yes, I’m gay.”  As if that’s shocking.  Here’s next week’s cover:

Other crap to look at:
An old man reviews a video game (bushleague)
Tricia Helfer’s sideboob (drunkenstepfather)
Girl gets head pounded into concrete (nothingtoxic)
Shannon Sky hates clothes (gorillamask)
Should she spit or swallow? (EJB)
Desperate Housewives need desperate airbrushing (bestweekever)
Regina Feoktistova looks good in Elle (cameltap)
Doutzen Kroes in a bikini (doubleviking)
Misleading NES Box Art Covers (toplessrobot)
Axia Andreadaki is hotter than her name (hornyoyster)
Hugh Hefner talks about his sex life (theblemish)
Dad gives great driving lessons (tastybooze)
Kim Kardashian and her ass do some dancing (FListed)
A bad tattoo idea (afrojacks)
Karime Adedibe is attractive and half naked (uncoached)
Alex Romero hearts porn star Mary Carey (donchavez)

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Old Man Thinks Whores Are A Tax Write-Off

Aside from urinating all over yourself and looking like a raisin, getting old looks like it can be a lot of fun. Old men think the world owes them everything because they’ve been on this earth for more than 60 years, so they do whatever they want. Even if it means writing off sex toys. According to the nypost:

William Halby, a 77-year-old Brooklyn lawyer, owes tens of thousands of dollars in back taxes for wrongly deducting more than $300,000 in prostitutes, porn, sex toys and erotic massages, a state tax judge ruled yesterday. The ruling came despite the meticulous efforts of Halby - a tax lawyer - to prove the deductions were reasonable medical expenses in his effort to fight depression and erectile dysfunction brought on by age.

“I was depressed,” Halby, who’s divorced, semi-retired and living alone in a Bay Ridge apartment, told The Post yesterday. “I live a solitary life. I have no social life. I needed that release.”

Halby said he found his “sex surrogates” - preferably brunettes - through ads in The Village Voice and sometimes visited them several times a week. “Over the years, I’ve been with dozens of girls for full-body massage with . . . happy ending,” he said.

All told, Halby spent about $322,000 to satisfy his desires, according to court papers.

In 2002 alone, Halby deducted $111,364 for “therapeutic sex” and massages “to relieve osteoarthritis and enhance erectile function through frequent orgasm.”

He claimed another $2,173 on porn “to enhance sexual performance in lieu of taking Viagra.”

In 2003, his $101,930 in deductions included $162 for “sexual performance aids” such as lubes, condoms and nipple clamps, the court papers said.

Let me be the first to say that this government needs to get it’s hands off an old man’s lube. As the Declaration of Independence states, our inalienable rights are for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But how do you expect a totally flaccid 77-year-old lawyer to pursue happiness if he can’t get a handjob while wearing a couple of nipple clamps? It’s time we overthrew the existing anti-nipple clamp handjob government and install a new pro-lube and whores regime. Or since that seems like a lot of work…we could just make nipple clamps free of charge.

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