Roofies Just Got Way Easier

A company called “Eye Candy” has created a lollipop that can control your thoughts. The lollipops use something called “sensory substitution”, which is science-talk for “mind control”. They come in an assortment of flavors that are designed to induce certain physical and emotional reactions by making you hallucinate images that will trigger certain emotions. Here’s the flavor list from their website:

RELAX. Tranquil fish swimming in your mind will help you to unwind.

SOCIALISE. The shooting stars will encourage sociability.

ASSERT. A big thumbs is guaranteed to reassure and motivate you.

MEDITATE. The the slowly shrinking circle helps you to meditate.

OVERCOME. Images of spiders will enable you to overcome your fears.

FOCUS. Direction giving arrows help to improve focus and attention.

This sounds a lot like taking acid except you don’t have to listen to some kid bitch about how his dad “just doesn’t get it man, spending all his time with his stupid investment banker friends. I’m his son man. I’m his f*&king son.”

Here’s what I don’t get; how will I be less afraid when I’m hallucinating spiders crawling all over everything? How will I be able to focus better with phantom arrows pointing in random directions? The only time I ever hallucinated stars was when I was a kid and my brother knocked me out with a plastic lightsaber, and the stars did not inspire sociability, they inspired urine in my jean shorts. I see how this technology could be useful, though, in certain situations:

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Sharon Stone Wants To Botox Her Kid

When I was five I used to go over to my friends house and his mom would make him read supreme court decisions aloud, before he could go out and play. Six months ago I was talking to my dad on the phone and he goes “Oh, you remember that Fielding kid that your brother hit in the face with a potato?  Your mother says she saw him outside of Taco Bell asking people if they wanted him to suck them off.”  I’m pretty sure Sharon Stone’s kid is going to end up very similar.  Perezhilton.com reports:

It seems that Sharon Stone has been overreacting to her 8-year-old son Roan’s medical conditions - imagined or otherwise. Sharon Stone sought treatment for a spinal condition that never existed and, even crazier, Sharon Stone suggested Botox injections for foot odor.

Why does she have to further torture her son?  is it not enough that when he turns fourteen, kids are going to run up to him with their ipods and show him freeze frames of his mother’s vagina?

The only time I would ever send my child to the doctor for unnecessary injections is if the doctor was testing an experimental drug that might give my child some kind of weird deformation that at first would make kids laugh at him, but then end up being super bad ass.  Like, I’ll let Sharon Stone off the hook if in a couple months her kid looks like this:

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Have You Ever Been To A Porno Movie Premiere?

I’ve only known one person who was in a porno. It was this girl I worked with at a restaurant called Crocodile Cafe. I found out she was in the porn because one of the cooks had apparently been given the porno by his friend and this girl was on the cover. So, the other waiters and I decided it’d be really funny to watch it. We crowded into my apartment and popped it in the VCR. At first we were laughing because it had this ridiculous story line about architecture, but then this dude took off his pants and banged the living hell out of her in an alley for 45 minutes, then dropped a load that seemed physically impossible to have fit in his nutsack, all over her face. At the end she was so like, drained and tired from the banging, that when dude said his line of “I guess that building’s not getting built today,” she was just like “ughhhhh.” Then he asked her again louder cause “ugghhh” apparently wasn’t the line, and she goes “yeah, not…building.” None of us were laughing and smiling. The next day when we came to work and she was there. It was awkward, but it would have been waaaay more awkward if we were watching that with her. Hollywoodtuna.com reports that just happened:

It’s not that often we see a porn movie have a premiere that’s covered by the media, but for some reason [the movie] ‘Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge‘ had one.

An actual premiere. That means her family and friends were there. Watching her have sex. The closest I’ve ever come to that is one time my Aunt walked in on me masturbating. There was a mechanical pencil near me and I actually contemplated grabbing it and killing her, then myself. Like, not joking. That was a real thought for like a half second. That’s how awkward that was.

Anyway, the movie stars porn star Jesse Jane, who I actually spent a day with at Six Flags Magic Mountain, filming an interview with her on a Roller Coaster. Wow, I wish my thirteen year old self could read that previous sentence. That would have given me something to look forward to while I was suffering through weird baby fat man boobs.

Maybe it’s not awkward for porn stars to have family watch them screwing. Maybe they’re family is used to shit like this:

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