I have to go to the opera in a couple weeks and I must tell you, I PRAY that it will be half as entertaining as this. We as Americans think we love video games, but you don’t truly love a video game until you make an opera out of it. I can only hope that some day Contra will be turned into a musical, featuring a closing song called “Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, select start.”
So, I know most of you, including myself, can’t sit through a clip from “The Ellen Degeneres Show,” so in order for me to post it on this site, I’ve taken the liberty of inserting a distraction in the clip that should allow you to get through it while retaining enough information to make the stuff I’m going to write about it make sense. You can thank me later for braving through this sans elephant shit eating.
So Ellen is off the market. I’m not sure if this really disappointing for Lesbians or if Lesbians are grossed out by Ellen too. I’m not very familiar with Lesbian culture. In fact, most of what I know about it came from this porno my brother thought he had sufficiently hid from me when I was in 7th grade. If I go by that, all I can really say about Lesbians is that they will do ANYTHING to seal the deal in a job interview. Anything. So, if you’re lesbian and you’re reading this, please let me know your thoughts on Ellen.
Anyway, I can never really understand why people get so worked up about letting gay people get married. There’s nothing anyone has ever really wanted to do, that they couldn’t still do if gay people were married. People say that it cheapens the sanctity of marriage, but those people have never been to Christmas at my Aunt and Uncle’s apartment when she gets drunk and tells him she “can’t wait till their kids are old enough to fend for their f*&king selves so I can get out of this shithole.” I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure they cheapen the sanctity of marriage.
Adolf Hitler Is A Meme - Watch more free videos
Poor little guy. If he wasn’t the world’s worst person, you might feel a little bad for him. (It also doesn’t help that he’s small and very sweaty. He could also use a bath, too.)
via Gorillamask.net
Nice High Five - Watch more free videos
If you watch this video closely, you can see The Red Sox’s Mr. Ramirez make a great catch, leap up the outfield wall, high-five a fan, turn around and double a runner off first. Amazing.
Normally, I’m not a big fan of posting movie trailers. Mostly because I think only comic book dorks and comic book nerds are the people who get excited for them. But this trailer for Vicky Cristina Barcelona will get all those heterosexual nerds and dorks excited because Scarlett Johannson and Penelope Cruz make-out at the 1:12 mark. Having watched the whole thing, I suggest you go straight there so you don’t have to see the psycho from No Country For Old Men making out with everyone else.
While he’s no Mike Ditka, Jeff Gordon or Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Romo put on quite a vocal performance at the Cubs game last weekend. He should give his girlfriend and noted Cowboy-killer Jessica Simpson a tip or two on how to belt out a beautiful song. (I think the key is to hold the microphone far away from your face.)
Bill O’Reilly Goes Crazy - Watch more free videos
We all know Bill O’Reilly as the fuzzy, cuddly little bear that loves interacting with those around him. Normally he treats everyone with the utmost respect and dignity. Hell, sometimes I just want to crawl up onto his lap and tell him of my hopes and dreams. But that makes this video of Big Bad Bill screaming at his producer so out of character. Maybe he just hadn’t had his morning coffee yet. Or maybe he needed a nap. Or, on second thought, maybe he is a raving lunatic who melts down at the smallest provocation. Either way, I’m going to watch this video 400 times today. Maybe you should, too.
This is a religious tradition in Bulgaria where they “bathe” you in “holy water.” It looks more like they “Dunk the shit out of you” in “dirty ass mud water,” while you “scream for you f-ing life.” This is why I’m thankful that when I was 7 my dad told me there is no God and when you die your body decomposes into dirt or an animal eats your carcass.
Mother’s Day - Watch more free videos
It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday and we all know what that’s going to be like. There will be a lot of guilt, crying, complaining, threats of divorce, threats of bodily harm, actual bodily harm, and some wonderful family time. There will also be a lot of disappointment about your choice of career and/or girlfriend.
From the same people that brought you The Christmas Tree, this video does a good job of showing the world how most of New Jersey spends its Mother’s Day (chin stubble included.)
Wheel Of Fortune Moron - Watch more free videos
In the pantheon of game shows, Wheel of Fortune doesn’t require the highest amount of brain power. It’s no Mastermind or Jeopardy. Hell, it’s not as difficult as Press Your Luck. I’m not sure if they even have qualifications to get on the aside from “Can you stand upright for 25 minutes?” and “Do you know what a ‘person’ is?”
And that’s how you get contestants like this.
via i-am-bored.com
Being cool is normally subjective. But there are some things that unequivocally make you uncool. We’re not saying we’re cool, we’re just saying if you own any of these items, you’re not.
10. iPhone
WHY YOU THINK ...
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