Politicians never remember taking pictures with people who turn out to be criminals. In fact, nobody in Washington ever remembers anything. I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw one of them pull down their pants in the middle of a debate and take a shit, and then the moderator say “Excuse me! What are you doing?” and the politician says “Oh. God. I’m so sorry. I forgot that I was supposed to go to the bathroom and do this.”
Anyway, maybe she doesn’t remember taking that picture, but she sure as hell better remember this one:
I mean seriously, who forgets taking a picture with Sarah Jessica Parker. Also, I can understand why Saddam would be upset, I’ve been to these junkets. They just grab you and toss you in a picture. Very intrusive.
Why does every other country have way better commercials than we do? Weirdo clowns don’t make me want to eat cheeseburgers. But hot chicks dressed up as mental patients sure do.
With baseball still a few months away and no football this weekend, you may be feeling a bit of sports withdrawal right now. So here’s your fix. I have no idea how someone made this video, but it’s Nintendo’s classic RBI Baseball played out EXACTLY as the bottom half of the 10th inning of the 1986 World Series (Buckner’s game) over Vin Scully’s call. It’s eight minutes long, but once you realize what you’re watching you can’t turn it off. I still don’t know how he made Marty Barrett the Miller Lite Player of the Game. This is amazing.
So, for 3500 dollars, I can have a crazy Russian dude attack me with a stick while a German Shepherd barks non-stop. Or, I could pay nothing and get the same thing at my Uncle’s house. How much does stuff suck in eastern Europe that people “are nostalgic for the old Soviet Union.” Apparently nobody in Lithuania has seen Rocky IV.
So, as you may have noticed in the last few days, when we’ve written a story about a hot chick, we linked her to a site called chickipedia.com, which is a new site dedicated to being the foremost authority for information on hot chicks. At first I was wondering how this was different than their wikipedia pages, so I perused for a bit myself, and I stumbled upon Ali Larter’s page and found this written in it:
“Ali’s film career launched in the 1999 film Varsity Blues where, in a famous scene, she attempted to seduce James Vanderbeek. Unbelievably he did not accept her offer of intercourse which completely obliterated any previous credibility earned by the film and its script.”
I couldn’t agree more. Anyway, check it out. It’s a bit addictive and it’s got a crap load of hot chicks you’ve never even heard of, like Jenny McShane, who seems like if you met her at a bar, you could probably take her home.
When you talk to a crowd of African American people, you quote songs by the Baha Men.
Say things like “bling bling” when referring to a necklace a small African American child is wearing.
Here’s one way to know you’re a gigantic idiot:
Do both of the above on MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY.
Seriously, people, how can you vote for this schmuck after seeing this? He thinks that relating to African American people means quoting shitty songs from ten years ago that were produced for the sole purpose of getting hockey crowds pumped up. African Americans don’t listen to Baha Men! Baha Men don’t listen to Baha Men! Does he honestly think the following thought is going to go through the head of someone in attendance:
“I just don’t know who to vote for. I like Obama’s take on health care, and McCain’s take on campaign finance reform, but – wait a second, did Mitt Romney just say bling bling? He understands us! Finally, someone who understands us!
This is really creepy. Eddie Murphy is like Nostradamus — if Nostradamus made shitty movies and was really into transsexuals. Who knows what other predictions his past movies hold. I’ll have to watch them all to find out. Except The Adventures of Pluto Nash. Maybe I’ll find an intern to watch that one.
Alright, so the real question is, what was the conversation that took place between the driver and those dudes that caused him to flip out and run over one of them? Here’s what I think was said:
DRIVER: Hey, sorry to bother you, do you know where the movie theater is? We’re late to a showing of The Bucket List.
DUDE ON STREET: Yeah, it’s two blocks down. Great movie by the way. The part where Jack Nicholson dies, but realizes that his time spent with Morgan Freeman taught him about what’s important in life was awesome.
DRIVER: What the-?! I just said we were going to see it right now and you give away the ending?!
DUDE ON STREET: Oh my God. I’m so sorry. Don’t worry, there’s another part that’s a TOTAL surprise that I didn’t ruin.
(Friends come walking up)
FRIEND: Oh my God, I just saw The Bucket List. When Morgan Freeman dies but realizes that his time spent with Jack Nicholson taught him about what’s important in life was so awesome.
Seriously, when are people going to stop interviewing Colin Farrell on live t.v. and getting surprised when he drops an F-Bomb? This makes me really like Colin Farrell because he either says “fuck” so much that he can’t even go through a one minute interview without saying fuck even though a producer undoubtedly told him beforehand “please don’t say fuck,” OR he knows he’s not supposed to say it and realizes how stupid these interviews are and just thinks to himself, “I’m gonna say fuck, then I’m going to bang that reporter.”
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
