When soldiers are stationed overseas, they are forced to watch the AFN (American Forces Network), which is full of crappy homemade PSAs. One of their long running “series” of PSAs involves an itty bitty mouse named Squeakers and a devious computer-hacking surveillance cat who teach us about the importance of secrecy. (There’s also a dog and a rabbit here and there, but who’s counting?) It must be great to be stuck defending your country in some godforsaken 110-degree hole and have to spend your free time watching Squeakers try and outsmart a cat. (I guess you could read a book, but that’s kind of boring.) If we really want to support the troops, maybe we could give them some decent programming.
Dispose of Sensitive Materials – Watch more free videos 5. Dispose Of Sensitive Materials Properly
If you really want to make sure a snooping cat doesn’t find your Top Secret Files, you’ll have to tear then up four or five times.
Everyone’s Responsibility – Watch more free videos 4. It’s Everyone’s Responsibility
Where the hell did that cat get a long range microphone and those sweet headphones? Maybe the military should be asking those questions instead of making these crappy PSAs.
Cat Hacker Central – Watch more free videos 3. Don’t Give Out Sensitive Information Over The Internet
Cat Hacker Central has been responsible for more identity theft than Nigeria spammers and dumpster divers combined.
If you read this site with any sort of frequency, you know we love opening credits sequences to 80s sitcoms. And since the best characters on television this year are the ones running for office, we decided to see what they might look like in the opening credits of their own television show.
I used to love robots. The thought of having a bunch of C-3PO’s wandering around got me pretty excited. In fact, whenever I would see a robot or someone said the word robot I would yell out “BOTS!” Now, after seeing this 5-year-old “robot girl” with her weird eyes and her super creepy features, I don’t think I like robots anymore. In fact, I think we should pass a law that will cease any and all robot creation in the world. This isn’t a cute little Number 5 or an R2D2 who will save the day and defeat the bad guys. This thing is pure evil. Just imagine owning this robot (BOTS!) and waking up in the middle of the night with this thing standing next to your bed. Someone needs to stab this thing in the face before it takes over the world.
I have no idea what these Bacon Man videos are all about, but since they’re bacon-themed, I don’t really care. This isn’t one of those things you need to question too vigorously. Once you just accept that Bacon Man is using the swing to cool off so he won’t burn the tongue of the guy who’s going to eat him, or he’s using the sun to make himself extra crispy (“just how he likes it”) then you won’t get caught up questioning why Bacon Man is doing these Bacon Man things. (I have no idea what I’m talking about. Just watch the videos.)
Other crap to look at that, sadly, has nothing to do with bacon:
Slutty sisters of the day (drunkenstepfather)
Holly Weber is attractive (gorillamask)
Angelina Jolie in some sexy ad (cameltap)
Huge brawl breaks out in Big Brother Bulgaria (Nothingtoxic)
Bush lets you know he will kill you (comedy.com)
Children’s chair gone wrong (tastybooze)
Janet Jackson is cured (theblemish)
This coach saves a soccer goal (EJB)
Car model Lisa Angeline (uncoached)
This guy has been arrested 1,332 times in the same town in Kentucky. Of course, with arrests come mug shots, and what’s the point of having 1,332 mug shots of the same dude unless you’re going to create a montage out of it? For those of you who are still looking for a hero, I’d like you to meet Henry Earl:
The Wire is a pretty awesome, gritty, cop drama. But that doesn’t mean it can’t also be absolutely hilarious in front of a live studio audience! After seeing this scene with a laugh track injected into it, I’d really love to see a scene from Saved By The Bell with the laugh track taken OUT of it. Actually, I think if I saw Slater say to Jesse Spano “come here, mama” and then kiss her, and I didn’t hear “oooooohhhhhhhhh!!!!” from the studio audience, my head might explode due to my brain not being able to process that scene without hearing that and just deciding to self-destruct.
Since I’m not a Magnum P.I. aficionado (and honestly, who is?) I can’t say for certain that this clip was from the end of the show’s run. But it’s pretty obvious that this scene was written when the writer’s clearly did not give two shits about how they were going to get Magnum and Higgins out of a tight jam. Every show goes downhill at the end, but this has to be the best/worst example of ditching a plot just so you can make it to Happy Hour.
I imagine the writer meeting went something like this:
Head Writer: OK, so, the old lady pulls a gun on Magnum. Then what?
Writer #1: Uhhh, what if Magnum didn’t drop his gun. And then pulls it on her.
Head Writer: Sure. Then what? (checks his watch.)
Writer #2: What if the lady tells the bird…whatshisname…Merlin to attack Magnum. (taps foot impatiently)
Writer #1: (audibly sighs.) Sure. Then what if…uhh…Higgins does some weird bird call to get the bird off Magnum.
Head Writer: OK, then what if TC is flying by in his helicopter and the bird gets caught in the blades or something. Then he could say some funny kicker like “Uh oh!” “Did I do that?” or some shit.
Writer #3 Who Just Got Hired: Wait, what? The bird just flies into the helicopter that’s way up in the sky? What?
The next time your dad/boss/reverend/grandma/daughter/warden catches you with a porno, just show them this video and explain to them that you’re just watching a movie about a harmonica player and a bassist riding horses and playing pinball. It’s just good, wholesome fun.
Doing this job, you sift through a lot of shitty videos. Usually they fall into the category of “just bad,” but every once in a while, they fall into the category of “awkwardly amazing.” And then, there’s the one time where you realize that you have found the worst video on the Internet. This is that time. I was looking through cartoon theme songs just because I have no life, and I came across this. The levels of shitty in this video are, by all accounts, unprecedented. Let’s explain:
This is a “parody” of the credits to a cartoon called “Captain Planet” where (I think) five “planeteers” combine themselves to form Captain Planet. In the closing credits of the cartoon each of the Planeteers yells out what they are (Earth! Fire! Wind! etc) and then they sing a song about how Captain Planet is a hero.
What the maker of this video did was turn Captain Planet’s theme music into the world’s most embarrassing song about Michael Jackson molesting children. Without trying to understand why he did this, here is the full transcript:
Captain Planet Parody Lyrics:
Gooooo Humpkin! (?)
All the positions combined I am a child molester.
Michael Jackson he’s a hero. Gonna take kiddies’ sperm count down to zero.
He’s a deepest, darkest nightmare. Touching little kiddies butt’s bare.
Michael Jackson, he’s a hero. Gonna take kiddies’ sperm count down to zero.
Gonna help him put his pillow underage kids so we can have a blow-ho.
“Please don’t touch me, Michael!” We’re the Never-ranchers. You can be one too! Getting molested and suing is the thing to do. S
ame age people is not the way, hear what Michael Jackson has to say.
I would really like to see this kid (man?) sitting in his mom’s basement and talking to himself as he was writing up these lyrics. It had to go something like this:
Captain Planet Parody Writer: OK, let’s see…let’s see here….what rhymes with “nightmare”…hmmm…what…rhymes…with… niiiiightmare….? Think, man, think. It needs to be hilarious….but not too over the top. Anal flare? No, too much, too much. Gay bear? No, but write that down, that could work for another one of my parodies. McDonaldland? No, that’s not a rhyme. Wait, I’ve got it! Butt’s bare! “Touching little kiddies butt’s bare.” That is parody genius right there. Yes! This shit is gold. Now it’s ready for the Internet!”
Kirk Cameron, the guy you used to know as Mike Seaver but now know as Bible Thumping Guy With 80s Perm, really put his career that he no longer has on the line and took a stand against directors everywhere:
The former star of the TV sitcom “Growing Pains” refused to kiss the actress who played his wife in his new movie “Fireproof,” he told the “Today” show on Monday.
“I have a commitment not to kiss any other woman, he told the morning show. So his real wife, actress Chelsea Noble, was the body double for the onscreen kiss.
“So when I’m kissing my wife, we’re actually husband and wife honoring marriage behind the scenes, Cameron told “Today.”
The former child star became an evangelical Christian at 17 and is involved in The Way of the Master ministries.
Way to go, Kirk. You have totally sacrificed the artistic integrity your new (and only) movie just so you can live in the eternal city of heaven and enjoy everlasting peace and divine knowledge. Well, that sounds a little selfish to me. Do you think all those other directors who make straight-to-DVD Jesus-based movies will want to work with a diva like you now? Consider yourself blacklisted by the two, or possibly three, directors who would be hard up enough to cast you in one of their movies where a guy loses faith in God and then something bad happens to him which makes him realize that God does exist and once he accepts God his life is fulfilling and all his dreams comes true…and for some reason this only happens to white people in the suburbs.
The real question, though, is would you make out with this guy?
Other Crap To Look At:
Jessica Alba takes her post-pregnant body to the beach (drunkenstepfather)
Rubint Reka in a tiny bikini (cameltap)
This is a terrible UFC fight (EJB)
Intense brawl after college football game (nothingtoxic)
Jennifer Aniston is in a bikini (theblemish)
Trista Geyer is way hotter than Ana Gasteyer (gorillamask)
Laky Zsuzsi is attractive (doubleviking)